wannago
Relief
- Dec 4, 2020
- 90
Haven't been online in a while, I had started doing some things to better myself and then all of a sudden the little (motivation?) that I had stopped, and I'm not really sure why.
On one hand it's great, because at the moment I'm basically leeching off of relatives, and I have little responsibility besides study. Problem is, I've now become something like a month or two behind on all modules at my uni/college, and I'm relying more and more on study groups & last minute research (I know, bad, but I can't feel any motivation for something I need to do 2/3 years in advance). I want to care, but I can't find the energy or willpower to do much. And at this point I'm spending dumb hours of the day in bed half-watching movies just to find more and do the same. It's kinda living the dream, but at the same time I have absolutely no purpose, I'm shrugging off almost all stress because it's so unnecessary right now; the only thing I feel that could have led to this pattern is the current lockdown. I get it - I have little right to complain under the circumstances, forget it.
It's super pathetic, but I've never been able to find interest in much. Not great at school because of problems which I guess were down to ADHD which was diagnosed last year of all times, and supposedly the fact that I've just found nothing that genuinely intrigues me (says doctors). Please say this is an actual common thing, because people have rinsed me from all corners of my life for having lack of appreciation for everything; although they've shown me 21 years' worth of different interests/hobbies, all I've really come out with is the ability to... I don't know, continuously breathe?
See, I've heard the age-old "it's because you're thinking you don't care!" cure on repeat, but it didn't help a decade ago, and it hasn't changed anything now.
Shortly after my "finally got the money" post, I was doing alright for a while actually. I was working out whenever I felt like it (often daily), studying for uni (sometimes too much so again, daily), and for once actually told a close relative about my decision to ctb. Not as a goodbye - we never got along all that well, but because I'd been weighing up options and I'd felt lost for a couple of weeks, I felt like I'd owed them this much. Their general gist was that it's not really fair on other people like themselves; it would make them feel bad etc. Fair enough, maybe they don't understand my outlook, what're you gonna do?
Currently at the point of boredom isolation and disinterest, I've watched my wishlisted movies to the point of hating even starting them for numerous reasons, I don't know how many times I've seen Superbad in the past month alone; I won't feel like talking about fitness until I have a life again; messages aren't really being opened, and I've won back all of the usual depressive traits but just don't feel sad (not as great as you'd think) - I take my meds as I have done for years, talk to people though I don't feel like it, don't keep up with cleaning, reading, homework, anything or pretty much anyone. In fact, I probably have more negative habits now than I ever did feeling down & depressed. Can't figure it out. Hopefully a rhythm will come back to me. Be nice if that were to happen sooner rather than later, because uni was the first point in my life where things began to look up (shame I couldn't really attend). Therapy isn't my thing, at least currently.
I won't keep going on forever because I don't want to keep reading over this for different kinds of offence (none intended).
My argument for writing about this issue? Maybe, someone else is feeling this right now and can give me something relatable to read -- if not, I'll continue basking in my carelessness, sailing through life like a volcano.
Anyways, it would be sweet to have a sustained length of time where I won't start crashing heavily for like at least a few months, or at least where I can find some values that make me feel like sticking it out for longer. I have no clue where people could find this effort. Maybe I'll look into a personal trainer or something, but it'll just be like all those times I go on Amazon and regret it the next day.
Mousetrap scenario, TOML.
On one hand it's great, because at the moment I'm basically leeching off of relatives, and I have little responsibility besides study. Problem is, I've now become something like a month or two behind on all modules at my uni/college, and I'm relying more and more on study groups & last minute research (I know, bad, but I can't feel any motivation for something I need to do 2/3 years in advance). I want to care, but I can't find the energy or willpower to do much. And at this point I'm spending dumb hours of the day in bed half-watching movies just to find more and do the same. It's kinda living the dream, but at the same time I have absolutely no purpose, I'm shrugging off almost all stress because it's so unnecessary right now; the only thing I feel that could have led to this pattern is the current lockdown. I get it - I have little right to complain under the circumstances, forget it.
It's super pathetic, but I've never been able to find interest in much. Not great at school because of problems which I guess were down to ADHD which was diagnosed last year of all times, and supposedly the fact that I've just found nothing that genuinely intrigues me (says doctors). Please say this is an actual common thing, because people have rinsed me from all corners of my life for having lack of appreciation for everything; although they've shown me 21 years' worth of different interests/hobbies, all I've really come out with is the ability to... I don't know, continuously breathe?
See, I've heard the age-old "it's because you're thinking you don't care!" cure on repeat, but it didn't help a decade ago, and it hasn't changed anything now.
Shortly after my "finally got the money" post, I was doing alright for a while actually. I was working out whenever I felt like it (often daily), studying for uni (sometimes too much so again, daily), and for once actually told a close relative about my decision to ctb. Not as a goodbye - we never got along all that well, but because I'd been weighing up options and I'd felt lost for a couple of weeks, I felt like I'd owed them this much. Their general gist was that it's not really fair on other people like themselves; it would make them feel bad etc. Fair enough, maybe they don't understand my outlook, what're you gonna do?
Currently at the point of boredom isolation and disinterest, I've watched my wishlisted movies to the point of hating even starting them for numerous reasons, I don't know how many times I've seen Superbad in the past month alone; I won't feel like talking about fitness until I have a life again; messages aren't really being opened, and I've won back all of the usual depressive traits but just don't feel sad (not as great as you'd think) - I take my meds as I have done for years, talk to people though I don't feel like it, don't keep up with cleaning, reading, homework, anything or pretty much anyone. In fact, I probably have more negative habits now than I ever did feeling down & depressed. Can't figure it out. Hopefully a rhythm will come back to me. Be nice if that were to happen sooner rather than later, because uni was the first point in my life where things began to look up (shame I couldn't really attend). Therapy isn't my thing, at least currently.
I won't keep going on forever because I don't want to keep reading over this for different kinds of offence (none intended).
My argument for writing about this issue? Maybe, someone else is feeling this right now and can give me something relatable to read -- if not, I'll continue basking in my carelessness, sailing through life like a volcano.
Anyways, it would be sweet to have a sustained length of time where I won't start crashing heavily for like at least a few months, or at least where I can find some values that make me feel like sticking it out for longer. I have no clue where people could find this effort. Maybe I'll look into a personal trainer or something, but it'll just be like all those times I go on Amazon and regret it the next day.
Mousetrap scenario, TOML.
