Venting i've lost all hope in transitioning and would rather die than stay in my body

[bloberta]

so, i'm trans (mtf) but i havent really transitioned yet. boymoding. anyway, i've never liked my appearance. but before i started i hrt just over 2 years ago, there was a part of me that was hopeful that i could one day be happy with myself. i knew i would never pass but i hoped that i would be ok enough to transition. well now i have been on hrt for 2 years and that hope is gone. idk why i even had it in the first place. every day i look at myself and cry and it is just getting worse. maybe surgery can fix my face but i do not have the money or the time for that so it is not even worth considering. i feel like there is no way out and i cant be in this body anymore. there are other things in my life that make me want to die but this is the one that is unfixable. it hurts. i can't live like this.

i miss that hope so much. i just wanted to be a girl, even if i didnt look like one fully. i feel like i have lost too much of myself to go on.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Are you seeing a therapist? Have you expressed to them your true feelings so that maybe, hopefully, they can help you get to a place where you'll be OK with you, your true essence, which will bring you to a place of satisfaction within yourself. Maybe things won't work out exactly as you hope for yourself, but maybe you can get to a place of self acceptance and worth, nonetheless.

 

[bloberta]

Are you seeing a therapist? Have you expressed to them your true feelings so that maybe, hopefully, they can help you get to a place where you'll be OK with you, your true essence, which will bring you to a place of satisfaction within yourself. Maybe things won't work out exactly as you hope for yourself, but maybe you can get to a place of self acceptance and worth, nonetheless.

i have never seen a therapist. i probably should though. therapy sounds so scary and i have no idea what i would even say to one

 

[Yahwa]

Hey girl, I'm sorry you feel that way and that you haven't seen the changes you wanted with HRT. Indeed, therapy is scary, especially when you've never been, but it could really help you come to terms with a lot of things. Therapists (the good ones, at least) know how to appease you and ease you into talking to them. They'll ask you questions if you're unsure of what to say and will try to find a hook in what you'll say to help you as much as they can. If you need someone to talk to, a sister who can understand you 100%, I'm here and you can reach out anytime

 

[Glowgal45]

so, i'm trans (mtf) but i havent really transitioned yet. boymoding. anyway, i've never liked my appearance. but before i started i hrt just over 2 years ago, there was a part of me that was hopeful that i could one day be happy with myself. i knew i would never pass but i hoped that i would be ok enough to transition. well now i have been on hrt for 2 years and that hope is gone. idk why i even had it in the first place. every day i look at myself and cry and it is just getting worse. maybe surgery can fix my face but i do not have the money or the time for that so it is not even worth considering. i feel like there is no way out and i cant be in this body anymore. there are other things in my life that make me want to die but this is the one that is unfixable. it hurts. i can't live like this.

i miss that hope so much. i just wanted to be a girl, even if i didnt look like one fully. i feel like i have lost too much of myself to go on.

Hey I just hope that you're okay and that you can make it through the hard times. Please live because life has so much to offer you are important and special to me even if I don't know you personally I know that we are similar in some ways that's what brings us close and can keep us together , is someone who can relate and guide you to the right path. Please follow me back I want us to be friends.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

i have never seen a therapist. i probably should though. therapy sounds so scary and i have no idea what i would even say to one

If need be, let them start the conversation. All conversations start with merely a single word. Maybe you owe it to yourself to see if anything like that could help you. It may not. Who knows? But, I do know that you somehow need to reach a place of acceptance for yourself, regardless of how you may "see" the veneer on the outside. You're not the only one who feels as you do. Others' too, just like you, were never able to be happy with themselves and have CTB. On the flip-side, some have managed to find that place. I guess it comes down to how much "try" you have left in you and if exploring this as an option is worth it to you. Only you can know that. If it doesn't work out, you can always revisit CTB at a later date.

 

[bloberta]

If need be, let them start the conversation. All conversations start with merely a single word. Maybe you owe it to yourself to see if anything like that could help you. It may not. Who knows? But, I do know that you somehow need to reach a place of acceptance for yourself, regardless of how you may "see" the veneer on the outside. You're not the only one who feels as you do. Others' too, just like you, were never able to be happy with themselves and have CTB. On the flip-side, some have managed to find that place. I guess it comes down to how much "try" you have left in you and if exploring this as an option is worth it to you. Only you can know that. If it doesn't work out, you can always revisit CTB at a later date.

sometimes i feel like i dont want to accept myself and just give up instead but honestly there is still part of me that wants to try and to live and accept myself. but a lot of the time it just feels like it's over. therapy is a really good idea though and it's one i always brush off. idk if i have it in me but you're right.

Hey girl, I'm sorry you feel that way and that you haven't seen the changes you wanted with HRT. Indeed, therapy is scary, especially when you've never been, but it could really help you come to terms with a lot of things. Therapists (the good ones, at least) know how to appease you and ease you into talking to them. They'll ask you questions if you're unsure of what to say and will try to find a hook in what you'll say to help you as much as they can. If you need someone to talk to, a sister who can understand you 100%, I'm here and you can reach out anytime

thank you :)

Hey I just hope that you're okay and that you can make it through the hard times. Please live because life has so much to offer you are important and special to me even if I don't know you personally I know that we are similar in some ways that's what brings us close and can keep us together , is someone who can relate and guide you to the right path. Please follow me back I want us to be friends.

i followed you back

 

[Glowgal45]

Hey I just hope that you're okay and that you can make it through the hard times. Please live because life has so much to offer you are important and special to me even if I don't know you personally I know that we are similar in some ways that's what brings us close and can keep us together , is someone who can relate and guide you to the right path. Please follow me back I want us to be friends.

sometimes i feel like i dont want to accept myself and just give up instead but honestly there is still part of me that wants to try and to live and accept myself. but a lot of the time it just feels like it's over. therapy is a really good idea though and it's one i always brush off. idk if i have it in me but you're right.

thank you :)

i followed you back

Hey do you have any socials? Or can you inbox me? Just made this account and it won't let me inbox anyone I don't know why.

 

[ptolemaea]

i know other people have already recommended therapy, but have you ever looked into gender therapy specifically? it's intended to help alleviate gender dysphoria, and it can open doors to allow you to receive other forms of gender affirming care. i have transgender friends who have attested gender therapy really helped them cope with their dysphoria

 

[bloberta]

Hey do you have any socials? Or can you inbox me? Just made this account and it won't let me inbox anyone I don't know why.

idk how to message you and i cant view your profile :( i have discord but idk if i wanna post it publicly on this thread

 

[İnilerim]

Hey do you have any socials? Or can you inbox me? Just made this account and it won't let me inbox anyone I don't know why.

I think there is a minimum post requirement for pms and such.

To the OP: I can relate somewhat. I'm 30, nb and terribly jealous of people who pass as "ambivalent". I hate that my AGAB is always painfully obvious to everyone and I get misgendered on a daily basis. I feel like it's too late for HRT for me. I wish I had started before puberty set in.

 

[Haruka]

Hi, I hope you're okay. Being transgender is hard in itself but having all of the extra things on top makes it feel worse. My trans friends tell me all the time how difficult it is and how it worsens their depression. I'm here if you need a friend to talk to, DM me anytime and I will always reply

 

[Zetsubou]

Hello, my friend. I also fall under the trans umbrella. Like others have said, give gender therapy a try. I'm also here to talk if you need to.

 

[bloberta]

i know other people have already recommended therapy, but have you ever looked into gender therapy specifically? it's intended to help alleviate gender dysphoria, and it can open doors to allow you to receive other forms of gender affirming care. i have transgender friends who have attested gender therapy really helped them cope with their dysphoria

i have pretty much avoided any form of therapy. idk why. i'm just scared. i did talk to a doctor when i tried to get a hrt prescription but she was not a good person and also wouldnt help me unless i came out to my whole family :/ i think that has just made me unable to trust any medical professional with trans stuff.

Hi, I hope you're okay. Being transgender is hard in itself but having all of the extra things on top makes it feel worse. My trans friends tell me all the time how difficult it is and how it worsens their depression. I'm here if you need a friend to talk to, DM me anytime and I will always reply

Hello, my friend. I also fall under the trans umbrella. Like others have said, give gender therapy a try. I'm also here to talk if you need to.

thank you i appreciate you

 

[Haruka]

i have pretty much avoided any form of therapy. idk why. i'm just scared. i did talk to a doctor when i tried to get a hrt prescription but she was not a good person and also wouldnt help me unless i came out to my whole family :/ i think that has just made me unable to trust any medical professional with trans stuff.


thank you i appreciate you

I also appreciate you, please don't feel afraid to DM me if you need a shoulder to cry on

 

[bloberta]

I think there is a minimum post requirement for pms and such.

To the OP: I can relate somewhat. I'm 30, nb and terribly jealous of people who pass as "ambivalent". I hate that my AGAB is always painfully obvious to everyone and I get misgendered on a daily basis. I feel like it's too late for HRT for me. I wish I had started before puberty set in.

i know im probably the last person who should be giving advice, considering this thread, but even if it feels too late i think you should just try hrt if it's what you want

 

[nonialabaster]

You can PM me, sugar. I''m here, for a couple of days.

 

[umjammertranner]

What every other trans person said ^^^^ therapy is the way to go (i say having ghosted my therapist a year ago and also feel like hrt has been useless to me )