Venting I've lost all hope, again.

[onceremoved126]

I once posted here, and many things happened. I got my asd and bpd diagnoses (hooray, I guess) and I found myself in a position in which I almost stopped having suicidal thoughts. Until now.

The latter was because I got myself a friend that could understand me in a way that no one else has been able too. He's not only my best friend, but I truly believe we are soulmates (in some capacity).

Now, if I found someone who gets me, why am I having suicidal thoughts and intentions again?

Well, because I think I fell in love with him.

To give you a little bit of context. He and I are long distance friends (online friends, if you must). We've never met in real life, but I've known him for a while (5 or so years, but we've only been friends for a year). I also know he's not a catfish or something bc we've spoken on discord calls. There's many things that I've hidden from him, given the fact that I started my online journey as a way to separate myself from my irl self, and changed some things about my living situation. Of course I didn't lie about big, awful things, but I lied nonetheless. I wanted to tell him the truth, but at this point I'm way to deep on it, and I feel like if I tell him, our friendship will be over.

Now, that's just a part of why I'm feeling like my only option is killing myself. I'll continue right away.

Since I have BPD, my friendship with him is not a normal one. I express my feelings for him in an exaggerated and borderline romantic way. I always tell him that I love him at least once a day. I always tell him that I want to live the rest of my life with him. I always tell him when he's in my deams, when he crosses my thoughts. I genuinely love him, and sometimes I wish I didn't. He tells me that he loves me too, that he's not bothered by my intensity, and that he's glad I'm in his life.

Now that's cute and all, but let me continue with the complicated part.

He is a trans man, and I am a non binary lesbian.

I'm not attracted to men, or man-adjacent. I've thought about it for a long time, and I don't want to be romantically or sexually involved with any man, regardless of what's downstairs.

This is why I am extremely confused of my feelings towards him. I know he's a man, and that's what's got me confused. I love him, but I'm not sure if I'm IN LOVE with him, or that's how my mind responds to being treated with basic human decency (thanks, bpd).

I don't know if it's a case of ye old "compulsory heterosexuality" or if I'm genuinely into him.

I also mentioned he's trans, and this has something to do with all of this. If he ever finds out that I'm struggling to realize what I feel for him, he might think that I don't see him as a man. When the fact that he is a man is what it's getting me all confused.

And of course, he wouldn't be into me.

Anyways, this is just too much for my head. I love my friend, but I feel like I'm not good for him, and I should just, you know, CTB. I know he's told me that he appreciates me, that he doesn't want me to die, and that he loves me. I'm just sure he would change his mind if he saw what I wrote here.

Right now I'm stuck in a horrible position, in which I only have one irl friend (that I used to be in love with, and confessing my feelings to her ruined the friendship beyond repair), I live with basically the two people that physically and psychologically abused me (my parents), I have no job, and I'm stuck studying a uni career that I despise. He's the only real support that I have is him, and I feel like I'm loosing him too.

I'm a horrible person

 

[hi-okbye]

i understood all of this so much. bpd is such a struggle :(
now personally, i know the INTENSE feelings your going through, unless there's other reasons that you didn't add. i don't really think this is a reason to ctb. it might seem impossible right now, and it usually does in these situations, but there probably is a way out. weather that's just telling him.. basically everything you said here, or finding a way around it (which not gonna lie, might make the situation harder to deal with in the future). i understand how stressful it can be to even just think of telling him, but if he truly does love or even care for you like he says he does, he should understand. it's an understandable thing what your going through (at least for me, because i've been in similar situations). now if he does (in the "worst" case synario, using quotes because in bpd mind, special people leaving is basically torture) leave, it'll be a lot. i know, i've gone through it several times before. but those instantaneous feelings, all of it sadness anger regret etc, they will pass eventually. i'm not necessarily saying it's good to do it, but sometimes thinking of special peoples flaws can help separate your attachment from them. it can be hard when you see them as perfect though. if he leaves defiently don't ctb impulsively, it's going to mess it up, and also impulsive ctb, especially due to relationship loss isn't good for many reasons. trust me when i say (if he even leaves, from what i can tell he most likely wont), one day, you'll wake up and realize, hey that person wasn't as amazing and perfect as i felt they were. you'll become okay with it.
you got this, i believe in you, good luck

 

[Brown-Jacket Revy]

You can have a friendship with someone, love them genuinely and passionately, and not have the expectations of romance and sex.

If you're really feeling guilty about lying about your circumstances, maybe just lay the groundwork to introduce the truth. I did a similar thing once upon a time with someone I had been chatting with for a long time. I had lied about my name, and what I looked like, basically, and given them a picture of someone who wasn't me; cat-fished them basically.

I wasn't romantically interested in them, or wanting to meet them IRL, I just liked having someone to talk to. But yeah, one day I fessed up, and said, "This is my actual name, and this is my actual picture". And they were kind of confused, mostly because they now had to change the image of me they had in their head, but they weren't mad about it.

If your friend cares about you as much you care about them, perhaps they will afford you some grace in the matter, and understand why you lied. It wasn't to be malicious, or trick them, it was because you were ashamed of the reality, and wanted them to think differently about you.

 

[onceremoved126]

Just to update this a little. I realized that I was not in love with him. I'm not romantically or sexually interested in him.

The issue here was that I was yet again confusing my feelings of friendly love with romantic love because of my inexperience with romantic relationships, my mental illness, and a pinch of compulsory heterosexuality

I don't know if I mentioned here before, but I've really never been in more than 1 romantic relationship. When I was 14, I fell for one of my friends that I made the year prior. She and I had a sort of situationship for 2/3 months, and officially (secretly) dated for a month, until she got tired of me for being "too much" and broke up with me via twitter DM (mind you, we went to the same school, and were in the same grade).

Now, that left me with a fear of expressing love my own way, in fear that I was being too much.

I expressed my love for my friend in enormous amounts, and he didn't mind at all. I realized that THAT made me think that since I could express my feelings openly to him, and he's my FP, I SHOULD be in love with him. So I think it was a mix of comphet and being mentally ill.

I love him, but as nothing more than a best friend (and an FP).