ultraviolence
death date: 04/14/24
- Nov 5, 2023
- 29
I am so thankful for this site because I can vent freely without worrying the people I love... But it's as the title says, I have hit rock bottom. I don't want to explain exactly what has happened but I am torn. One overwhelming part of me wants to CTB but there's a sliver of me that wants to get better to prove I can and that I am not like my mother. It's not two conflicting desires, because the suicidal part overpowers any hope. I keep telling myself I will get my life together and I remember all the reasons I want to but when things get difficult, I forget them all and just self-destruct. And I do it because I don't deserve a good life. I don't deserve to be happy. I have moments where I become self-aware and today is one of them and it just disgusts me how much my mother is inside me. I keep fucking my life up. I just yearned for a good normal life normal people have but I don't think I'll ever get it. I think I am too much of a coward to actually try. My lifestyle is actually killing me, but how the fuck do I unlearn 19 years of this shit? I wish my dad raised me, I wonder how different life would be if he did. I fucking hate my mother so much. I am in pieces, I'm all apart. I am in so much pain I just want it to stop I keep re-experiencing my abuse and I can't take it anymore. I feel like it's too late for me-- that I have already fucked my life up too much. I don't want to turn 20. I want to be a teenager forever, I don't want to be reminded of my failure as an adult. I need to grow up... CSA has fucked me up so much.
