I’ve decided on a deadline.

[Etherealdignity333]

I am going out by the end of October at the latest, but will likely be by the end of September. I currently have sodium nitrite. I think I would prefer F. I have found a reputable vendor, but in case it doesn't arrive by my deadline, I'll have SN. I would prefer N, but that's a fucked option currently. I've only been hanging on this long holding my hopes out for it, but I can't hold out forever.

As some of you may know, I've been out of work since mid-June. I had a trip planned before I got fired. 10 days in New England (I used to live in New Hampshire). Before I decided to CTB, I had this goal of going to the highest point in all 50 states. I've done 4 so far, and plan to check off six on this trip. If I was a more responsible and less suicidal person, I would probably cancel the trip and recoup some money, but since I'll be dead soon I'm using it as a last hoorah, catching the tail end of this climbing season. Not a bad last call.

10/50 ain't bad I guess. I wish life hadn't sucked so much all at once and pushed me to this point. I really love highpointing. You know what doesn't care if you're suicidal or broken or suffering? The mountains.

I'm rambling.

Anyone else feel better once they have decided a timeline, of sorts? Like you know the end is in sight, so you just try to make the most of it?

If I CTB in September, I can avoid paying rent for October and use that money to hit more high points down south.

 

[andy69]

Before October 13th, my fiftieth birthday.

 

[Etherealdignity333]

Before October 13th, my fiftieth birthday.

I'll see you on the other side, my friend.

 

[Laststop]

I'm not working either. I'd like to keep going until Halloween myself. I don't know if my savings could hold out that long? Halloween night. That would be something. BTW @Etherealdignity333 NH is quite a place, isn't it?

 

[Etherealdignity333]

I'm not working either. I'd like to keep going until Halloween myself. I don't know if my savings could hold out that long? Halloween night. That would be something. BTW @Etherealdignity333 NH is quite a place, isn't it?

A few years ago now, I had my first and only psychotic break on Halloween after I found out some horrific things. I joked for a while after that about "I howled at the fucking moon" on Halloween.

It'd be the perfect night if you can make it. I don't think my savings will, but who knows? I could always stop paying anything non-essential. I mean, they can repossess my car... over my dead body.

New Hampshire is absolutely beautiful. The White Mountains will always have my heart. You around there?

 

[Laststop]

A few years ago now, I had my first and only psychotic break on Halloween after I found out some horrific things. I joked for a while after that about "I howled at the fucking moon" on Halloween.

It'd be the perfect night if you can make it. I don't think my savings will, but who knows? I could always stop paying anything non-essential. I mean, they can repossess my car... over my dead body.

New Hampshire is absolutely beautiful. The White Mountains will always have my heart. You around there?

PM

 

[Sunset Limited]

I have a dream I can never accomplish. Lie down in the Grand Canyon one night and watch the stars.

 

[shelledone]

I'm at the need a deadline to set the deadline stage, if that makes sense. I don't know my method yet. I am new to this forum and read about SN. Is all the necessary stuff easy to get in the US? So, I need to do research.

I"m feeling more afraid to go on and on floating through more years of life, than dying.

 

[Dystopia]

Mine is mid September, week before my birthday. At first I was sort of sad and worried but now I feel more relieved thinking about it logically.

It's great you're doing something you enjoy before you go; I'm just sat counting down the days at this point

 

[DreamCatcher]

I am going out by the end of October at the latest, but will likely be by the end of September. I currently have sodium nitrite. I think I would prefer F. I have found a reputable vendor, but in case it doesn't arrive by my deadline, I'll have SN. I would prefer N, but that's a fucked option currently. I've only been hanging on this long holding my hopes out for it, but I can't hold out forever.

As some of you may know, I've been out of work since mid-June. I had a trip planned before I got fired. 10 days in New England (I used to live in New Hampshire). Before I decided to CTB, I had this goal of going to the highest point in all 50 states. I've done 4 so far, and plan to check off six on this trip. If I was a more responsible and less suicidal person, I would probably cancel the trip and recoup some money, but since I'll be dead soon I'm using it as a last hoorah, catching the tail end of this climbing season. Not a bad last call.

10/50 ain't bad I guess. I wish life hadn't sucked so much all at once and pushed me to this point. I really love highpointing. You know what doesn't care if you're suicidal or broken or suffering? The mountains.

I'm rambling.

Anyone else feel better once they have decided a timeline, of sorts? Like you know the end is in sight, so you just try to make the most of it?

If I CTB in September, I can avoid paying rent for October and use that money to hit more high points down south.

Yeah, it's a fine idea.

I'm doing my own personal final trip departing in a month or two. It'll be for one to three months visiting as many of my favorite places I've been to before as I can, saved up enough to have one last hurrah before I CTB when the money runs out.

I don't do mountains, more of hiking through snowy forests and camping on the edge of a river or stream. Pretty much anywhere beautiful without people.

It's true nature doesn't care if you're suffering, it treats you the same either way. Usually unforgiving and harsh, but nature is a constant that way.

Best of luck on your journey, and I hope you find your peace at journeys end.

 

[calendulo]

I am going out by the end of October at the latest, but will likely be by the end of September. I currently have sodium nitrite. I think I would prefer F. I have found a reputable vendor, but in case it doesn't arrive by my deadline, I'll have SN. I would prefer N, but that's a fucked option currently. I've only been hanging on this long holding my hopes out for it, but I can't hold out forever.

If your first and better choice is N, you can wait a few weeks until A getting back.
You have SN therefore you have nothing.
Two days ago a guy received it, from USA too.
Have patience.

 

[Etherealdignity333]

If your first and better choice is N, you can wait a few weeks until A getting back.
You have SN therefore you have nothing.
Two days ago a guy received it, from USA too.
Have patience.

A was supposed to be back weeks ago, and I'm running out of time. It's not a matter of patience, it's a matter of I don't feel like becoming homeless or a couch surfer at 32, so I have until my money runs out.

SN is not N, but it's certainly not nothing.

Yeah, it's a fine idea.

I'm doing my own personal final trip departing in a month or two. It'll be for one to three months visiting as many of my favorite places I've been to before as I can, saved up enough to have one last hurrah before I CTB when the money runs out.

I don't do mountains, more of hiking through snowy forests and camping on the edge of a river or stream. Pretty much anywhere beautiful without people.

It's true nature doesn't care if you're suffering, it treats you the same either way. Usually unforgiving and harsh, but nature is a constant that way.

Best of luck on your journey, and I hope you find your peace at journeys end.

That sounds amazing. I wish I had the money for months; this trip will have to do! It's a shame how money can dictate so much of our lives... and deaths... isn't it? Go go capitalism!

 

[wendydong1]

If your first and better choice is N, you can wait a few weeks until A getting back.
You have SN therefore you have nothing.
Two days ago a guy received it, from USA too.
Have patience.

Why would you say SN is nothing?

 

[Etherealdignity333]

I have a dream I can never accomplish. Lie down in the Grand Canyon one night and watch the stars.

That sounds absolutely lovely.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

I am going out by the end of October at the latest, but will likely be by the end of September. I currently have sodium nitrite. I think I would prefer F. I have found a reputable vendor, but in case it doesn't arrive by my deadline, I'll have SN. I would prefer N, but that's a fucked option currently. I've only been hanging on this long holding my hopes out for it, but I can't hold out forever.

As some of you may know, I've been out of work since mid-June. I had a trip planned before I got fired. 10 days in New England (I used to live in New Hampshire). Before I decided to CTB, I had this goal of going to the highest point in all 50 states. I've done 4 so far, and plan to check off six on this trip. If I was a more responsible and less suicidal person, I would probably cancel the trip and recoup some money, but since I'll be dead soon I'm using it as a last hoorah, catching the tail end of this climbing season. Not a bad last call.

10/50 ain't bad I guess. I wish life hadn't sucked so much all at once and pushed me to this point. I really love highpointing. You know what doesn't care if you're suicidal or broken or suffering? The mountains.

I'm rambling.

Anyone else feel better once they have decided a timeline, of sorts? Like you know the end is in sight, so you just try to make the most of it?

If I CTB in September, I can avoid paying rent for October and use that money to hit more high points down south.

i'll do it before my twentyfourth birthday

 

[calendulo]

A was supposed to be back weeks ago, and I'm running out of time. It's not a matter of patience, it's a matter of I don't feel like becoming homeless or a couch surfer at 32, so I have until my money runs out.

SN is not N, but it's certainly not nothing.

Well, I just hope you had the best luck.

Why would you say SN is nothing?

Because is nothing, compared to pentobarbitol..... is like driving a ferrari and later ride a bike.

 

[Etherealdignity333]

Well, I just hope you had the best luck.

Because is nothing, compared to pentobarbitol..... is like driving a ferrari and later ride a bike.

Thanks, I'm sure it'll be fine. A bike still gets you where you need to be, even if it's ten minutes later. Sometimes a Ferrari isn't an option.

 

[Baskol1]

I will kill myself if my health will further getting worse, or if my life becomes generally unbearable. For example if i end up homeless.

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

I have a date in mind in my planner. A couple of days before is the start of the Meto regime before taking SN.
It's quite a thing to look at in your planner when the last entry is ctb.......then totally blank.

 

[Fragile]

i really want to end it before my next birthday, so probably around January, i don't really have a specific date but there is some urgency since my illnesses is progressing and i want to have the ability to do it before i become too crippled to even attempt ctb.

my main issue is that i don't have a good method, i really wanted N but that's just another dream that won't come true. it is very unlikely that i can get it in my country and even if A comes back and ships it, it will probably get taken by customs anyway. i will still try to get it when i get some money, other methods are just too ineffective in my opinion.

 

[Etherealdignity333]

I will kill myself if my health will further getting worse, or if my life becomes generally unbearable. For example if i end up homeless.

Yup, this is part of my urgency at the moment. After losing my job I've just been whittling away at my savings. I ended up taking out a loan for legal fees and getting on a payment plan with a lawyer in case I didn't CTB. Now I've nailed it down, but the extra cash has given me this bit of extra time. I will not be evicted.

When the money runs out, so do I.

The earlier I do it, the less rent I have to pay and the more money I can spend on sucking the last little drop of living out of life.

Tick tock.

 

[joshe]

I like your writing style, have you posted your full story on the forum yet? Would be interested to read

On deadline, I used to have, then I keep breaking them so I figured a better way is to get hold of all my powders then figure it from there

 

[Etherealdignity333]

I like your writing style, have you posted your full story on the forum yet? Would be interested to read

On deadline, I used to have, then I keep breaking them so I figured a better way is to get hold of all my powders then figure it from there

Wow, thank you. That means a lot, since I love words and writing... ever since I was a child. In another life with less trauma, I would have loved to write a book. As it stands, I just can't live with what I've been through.

I posted this the other day that kind of touches on some stuff, though I was really angry when I wrote it and it's probably not the nicest or most articulate.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/anger.20279/