I've had suicidal ideation since 13 mostly thanks to my dad. The few times I got grades of C or below 80% I was yelled at and hit on the back of the head. My dad was also quick to anger and verbally abusive. It was during senior year of highschool that my situation started going downhill. I'm not sure why maybe something is wrong with me, but I started getting lazy, wasting time, and not turning in work. I almost failed only a single class required to graduate. My first immediate thought was to CTB because I was terrified and ashamed. After somehow graduating highschool with a 3.8 GPA, I went into community college unprepared. I did not magically fix my problems over the summer.
I failed an accelerated course and seeing my other grades I completely gave up during October. I briefly entertained CTB on my birthday but instead chose to distract myself with escapism and not thinking about it. My only saving grace is that my retired dad is now more neglectful. My family still thinks eveything is still fine, I go to college then hide in the library for hours. Nobody questions me, nobody notices me, I waste so much time. I created false evidence and start lying to my family, it should not have worked. They were a few close calls, but they barely ask any hard questions and I got better at planning my lies. After delaying it, I finally had my mental breakdown in December after checking my school status (academic probation). Then I seriously considered CTB for a few days. I'm not sure how, but I somehow convinced myself to exist for a while longer.
Winter turned to spring, I existed in limbo being a parasite, getting lost in hopeless fantasy, wasting my life away. Spring turned to summer, I got burnout from my hobbies, humans aren't made to have so much free time yet feel so purposeless in life. Summer turned to fall, I tried to make online friends and join a community but felt rejected. In hindsight it was just light teasing but my walls were vulnerable.
My family had 2 funerals for my uncles. For some reason we don't interact much with my dad's side of the family (small family and they are all very old). I did not know them until 2 years ago. Attending my first funeral the emotions I felt were anger and envy. Angry that my dad did not die in a recent car crash, and envy because my uncle's kids were crying for him. After that we checked on our disabled Aunt and Uncle and discovered their caretaker was neglecting them and making like 60k yearly. My second funeral I felt mildly guilty and mostly apathy. I was staying up late at night looking at porn then my aunt with early Alzheimer was calling for help. I made excuses like "Someone else will help." In the morning we checked my uncle, besides some mild breathing issue everything seemed fine. 4 hours later he died of a sudden stroke. I was not his caretaker nor was I home at the time.
I tried and failed college again, it turns out staying in this environment is not productive. I'm afraid I might snap one day, I hate being a NEET, I'm supposed to graduate soon. I should of done this earlier but I'm planning to run away and leave home in early or late April. I'm going to miss my mom and my sister. No family, no friends, but I'm stubbornly going to try again. I can always change my mind later.
I failed an accelerated course and seeing my other grades I completely gave up during October. I briefly entertained CTB on my birthday but instead chose to distract myself with escapism and not thinking about it. My only saving grace is that my retired dad is now more neglectful. My family still thinks eveything is still fine, I go to college then hide in the library for hours. Nobody questions me, nobody notices me, I waste so much time. I created false evidence and start lying to my family, it should not have worked. They were a few close calls, but they barely ask any hard questions and I got better at planning my lies. After delaying it, I finally had my mental breakdown in December after checking my school status (academic probation). Then I seriously considered CTB for a few days. I'm not sure how, but I somehow convinced myself to exist for a while longer.
Winter turned to spring, I existed in limbo being a parasite, getting lost in hopeless fantasy, wasting my life away. Spring turned to summer, I got burnout from my hobbies, humans aren't made to have so much free time yet feel so purposeless in life. Summer turned to fall, I tried to make online friends and join a community but felt rejected. In hindsight it was just light teasing but my walls were vulnerable.
My family had 2 funerals for my uncles. For some reason we don't interact much with my dad's side of the family (small family and they are all very old). I did not know them until 2 years ago. Attending my first funeral the emotions I felt were anger and envy. Angry that my dad did not die in a recent car crash, and envy because my uncle's kids were crying for him. After that we checked on our disabled Aunt and Uncle and discovered their caretaker was neglecting them and making like 60k yearly. My second funeral I felt mildly guilty and mostly apathy. I was staying up late at night looking at porn then my aunt with early Alzheimer was calling for help. I made excuses like "Someone else will help." In the morning we checked my uncle, besides some mild breathing issue everything seemed fine. 4 hours later he died of a sudden stroke. I was not his caretaker nor was I home at the time.
I tried and failed college again, it turns out staying in this environment is not productive. I'm afraid I might snap one day, I hate being a NEET, I'm supposed to graduate soon. I should of done this earlier but I'm planning to run away and leave home in early or late April. I'm going to miss my mom and my sister. No family, no friends, but I'm stubbornly going to try again. I can always change my mind later.
