Discussion I've been extending my suicide date for years

[Fwompje]

When I first set a date for myself I was 15, I was going to kill myself when I turned 16 if didn't feel better. I actually felt better at that point (probably because it was summer) and extended my date to 18. I felt like the years would magically fix everything. Felt like shit in the meantime but by the time I had turned 18 I'd almost forgotten I wanted to kill myself before so I extended it yet again. The date furthest in the future has been when I turn 30 lol, I'm 23 now and my current plan is dependent on whether or not I get accepted to art school in march.

My moods go in extreme cycles and whenever I'm doing well I get scared of when I'll do bad again because I'm scared of what I'll do. These cycles used to move regularly every few months but as of recent my cycles have been rapid, I'm talking like every few days and sometimes even hours. I'll feel on top of the world in the morning and in the afternoon I'm planning a new date and method...

Anybody else experience this? It makes me feel like absolute shit because it severely effects my life and I find it so hard to explain my actions to people. It's as if I'm two different people in one... Whenever I feel good it feels as though I've made everything up and I couldn't imagine wanting to end my life yet when I feel bad I can't imagine ever wanting to stay alive.

 

[justkenisfine]

I'm the exact same way. A lot of my mental health is affected by how "productive" I feel and I can go days sometimes weeks going to all my classes (college student btw), getting my classwork and personal (art)work done, talking to friends, running errands all of it without a single moment where I feel I've wasted something. And then crash. And crash hard. Crash so hard that I feel paralyzed to do anything. My doctor thinks it's bipolar and I'm talking to a therapist now about it. It might be something to look into. If you can't get therapy or have insurance to talk to a family doctor about meds and all that, there still toooonnnnns of bipolar resources online for changing behavior and tons of places to buy prescription meds. Idk if you think bipolar fits you, my therapist and doctor have been trying to diagnose me with something for years now and nothing's stuck but idk. Might be something that can help. Even without diagnosis.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

You're not alone. I've been suicidal for over a decade now.

30 is a good reevaluation point.

But does it help at all to know that it's a cyclical pattern for you? That the suicidal ideation will at least temporarily recede and you'll be able go enjoy life during that time.

 

[Fwompje]

I'm the exact same way. A lot of my mental health is affected by how "productive" I feel and I can go days sometimes weeks going to all my classes (college student btw), getting my classwork and personal (art)work done, talking to friends, running errands all of it without a single moment where I feel I've wasted something. And then crash. And crash hard. Crash so hard that I feel paralyzed to do anything. My doctor thinks it's bipolar and I'm talking to a therapist now about it. It might be something to look into. If you can't get therapy or have insurance to talk to a family doctor about meds and all that, there still toooonnnnns of bipolar resources online for changing behavior and tons of places to buy prescription meds. Idk if you think bipolar fits you, my therapist and doctor have been trying to diagnose me with something for years now and nothing's stuck but idk. Might be something that can help. Even without diagnosis.

What you're describing sounds so familiar though I think your experience is more severe than what I've been going through. Sucks that you have to go through that.

I've been thinking and reading up on bipolar since a coworker mentioned it but I don't feel like my symptoms are severe enough, I don't experience mania for exmaple and I still usually go to work when I'm really down. I actually have my first doctors appointment tomorrow which I'm really anxious about but I am hoping to get some help :)
In my country it's pretty much impossible to get meds without a prescription but I do really think some type of mood stabilizer will be what might help. I've already tried so much...

I am trying to stay away from alcohol though, I read on Reddit that drinking makes symptoms worse but it's very hard for me to get through the night without drinking myself to sleep.. Thanks for responding, it's really nice to hear that I'm not the only one who goes through extreme moods like this.

You're not alone. I've been suicidal for over a decade now.

30 is a good reevaluation point.

But does it help at all to know that it's a cyclical pattern for you? That the suicidal ideation will at least temporarily recede and you'll be able go enjoy life during that time.

I have so long to go until 30 though and I'm really at a turning point this year so I'm curious to see if I'd be able to keep going for that long. But I do agree, it seemed like an appropriate age at the time as well.

It doesn't really help to know because when I'm feeling bad I cannot imagine ever feeling good, my mind is completely altered and I feel like a very different person,, I'm more focused and scared of the fact that I'll be doing bad again soon,, I am trying to get help right now though so I'm hoping to see some improvement soon :) Just holding on and hoping right now

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I have so long to go until 30 though and I'm really at a turning point this year so I'm curious to see if I'd be able to keep going for that long. But I do agree, it seemed like an appropriate age at the time as well.

It doesn't really help to know because when I'm feeling bad I cannot imagine ever feeling good, my mind is completely altered and I feel like a very different person,, I'm more focused and scared of the fact that I'll be doing bad again soon,, I am trying to get help right now though so I'm hoping to see some improvement soon :) Just holding on and hoping right now

I say that as someone who's 30. 10 years ago to make it to 30 seemed unthinkable to me. But that's time for you. Any point in the future eventually arrives.

What kind of help?

 

[Fwompje]

I say that as someone who's 30. 10 years ago to make it to 30 seemed unthinkable to me. But that's time for you. Any point in the future eventually arrives.

What kind of help?

The years have flown by already so perhaps you're right :)

I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow to talk about my mental health for the first time in years. Hoping to get a referal to a psychiatrist but I've had bad experiences in the past so I'm not sure if this will help.. just a shot in the dark

 

[LaVieEnRose]

The years have flown by already so perhaps you're right :)

I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow to talk about my mental health for the first time in years. Hoping to get a referal to a psychiatrist but I've had bad experiences in the past so I'm not sure if this will help.. just a shot in the dark

It sounds like it's worth trying though since a pretty substantial part of you likes living.

 

[a_pine_tree]

When I first set a date for myself I was 15, I was going to kill myself when I turned 16 if didn't feel better. I actually felt better at that point (probably because it was summer) and extended my date to 18. I felt like the years would magically fix everything. Felt like shit in the meantime but by the time I had turned 18 I'd almost forgotten I wanted to kill myself before so I extended it yet again. The date furthest in the future has been when I turn 30 lol, I'm 23 now and my current plan is dependent on whether or not I get accepted to art school in march.

My moods go in extreme cycles and whenever I'm doing well I get scared of when I'll do bad again because I'm scared of what I'll do. These cycles used to move regularly every few months but as of recent my cycles have been rapid, I'm talking like every few days and sometimes even hours. I'll feel on top of the world in the morning and in the afternoon I'm planning a new date and method...

Anybody else experience this? It makes me feel like absolute shit because it severely effects my life and I find it so hard to explain my actions to people. It's as if I'm two different people in one... Whenever I feel good it feels as though I've made everything up and I couldn't imagine wanting to end my life yet when I feel bad I can't imagine ever wanting to stay alive.

I have the exact same thing. I first wanted to ctb at 8, but figured I wanted to see what middle school had to offer. I then set a date in middle school, but I wanted to see how high school was. Set a date then got curious for college and extended it again.
But I think now I ran out of things to see so idk, and I guess that's why I joined this site.
But I hope you'll find something interesting to extend this date a bit more, so that you can see and get everything good you can and deserve before leaving for good.

 

[Fwompje]

I have the exact same thing. I first wanted to ctb at 8, but figured I wanted to see what middle school had to offer. I then set a date in middle school, but I wanted to see how high school was. Set a date then got curious for college and extended it again.
But I think now I ran out of things to see so idk, and I guess that's why I joined this site.
But I hope you'll find something interesting to extend this date a bit more, so that you can see and get everything good you can and deserve before leaving for good.

Yeah I've really reached a trning point now as well,, very little to keep going for if anything
There's some things I still want to do but after that there's a big chance it's over.
I understand why you're here as well, it's an empty world for some

It sounds like it's worth trying though since a pretty substantial part of you likes living.

True, but it's so hard with my mental health struggles,, still a part of me is fighting for it so we'll see

 

[DrivenSneeze1]

that's actually spot on. first it was 18, then 21, now 25. I think it's just nice to know "if i'm not satisfied with my life by that point then I can just CTB" and keep that in the back of your mind because it lets you enjoy life more, it stops you from getting caught up overthinking about the future, it just makes life a lot better. and if i keep pushing it back further and further, than all the better, it just means i'm enjoying life enough to see myself keep living. I think that sort of attitude is best to adopt.

on another note, it's pretty normal to have ups and down. from my understanding, everyone has a sort of base line happiness (how happy you are normally), and then life is just you going up and down that line throughout the weeks and years. and for some people that base line is very low, and for others (and it seems to be the case for you), the variations from the base line are rather extreme. i have a similar experience but to a much lesser degree.

 

[koko]

I can relate as I first tried to ctb at 13, then 14, then was good until my twenties then mood went down and was on meds. That helped until my mid 40s when I lost my job, diagnosed with PTSD and bipolar and clinical depression. I struggle every day to make it but know I will do it very soon.