I've been doing better, but I still want to die.

[annasplight]

I'm medicated, I have friends. I have a more supportive family now, but strangely, I want to die still. the things I've done in the past plague me, I don't know what to do. I'm also disabled and I just, don't know.

I still wish my ex and his friends would believe I'm not some evil bitch,I wish my friend hadn't told me to kill myself. I cannot possibly fathom why my life is worth living while people think I'm so terrible.
I wasn't ever manipulative, all I did was tell him what his friends said behind his back. The only 'manipulative' thing I did was be a people pleaser and not tell people when I was truly struggling, or when I didn't take care of my health for weeks so people could see I'm sick.
I feel bad for being suicidal in my last relationship so much. I asked him if it hurt or if he needed space and he always lied to me and said he was fine.
ik I shouldn't miss him, he let his white friend call me a racial slur and harrass me on social media, but I feel like that isn't him, man.

why am I such an awful fucking person. i want to die. you guys are the only people who will truly listen.

I wish that my attempt months ago had been successful. maybe then my ex would be happy. maybe then people would finally fucking believe me.
i hate my life.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

it's not strange, and you said it clearly. Your past is still weighing on you. If your ex let his friend call you a racial slur, well that's just messed up. Maybe you're giving him too much credit. He didn't seem to be very understanding of your mental health. I hope you are able to move on and away from that group in time. They seem to like and create drama.

 

[Tired_of_myself]

Sorry for this - people are ao cruel sometimes (moer of the times)

My ex told all of her friends some things like that and it was all lies. Actually, she broke my nose and my checkbones and all i did was cry and forgive - she convinced me not to go the police (my biggest mistake) and then spread all over her lies… for years i felt a deep guilty about the whole situation, and sometimes (been long years) i still feel judged. I tried to ctb three times since then… and what i learned from this situation is that the truth matters only to you, to make peace with yourself. Sometimes is still really hard… wish you well

 

[itswhatits]

I don't think it's strange at all. The simple one-size-fits-all solutions they tell to everybody -- medication, friends, family -- they're good, but they aren't magic spells that banish despair. You are your own complex individual, with complex problems, and those aren't always gonna have a simple solution.

You were wronged by people you cared about, and you don't have any means of getting closure for that besides cutting them off and moving on. That's a miserable, unfair situation to be in. I've been there before, it feels so anti-climactic, like there's got to be some way to fix it all beyond abandoning the relationship altogether, even when that really is the only way forward.