Venting I've always wanted to end it

[iiiksranziphsotsss]

Hi, I'm new here. I joined because I need a foolproof way to leave with no chance of failing.

For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to die. I vividly remember as a child thinking that no matter what happens, I could always kill myself. Now, it's driving me crazy how hard and complicated it is to make it happen. Even at my happiest moments, I've always felt suicidal. For the longest time, this fact would probably surprise most people. But I can't keep up the act anymore. I'm slipping and I can feel everyone noticing that I'm miserable. They know me as someone strong and wise or whatever the fuck else, so they expect to "rise above it." They're waiting for me "help myself."

I'm so tired. I'm fucking exhausted. I have never wanted to live. Despite there being so much to enjoy... I used to have things made me hesitate or at least feel a little regretful for. I wanted to be a mother, new music, romance, marvel movies, and so much more. But now, I just...don't give a shit anymore. I'm so numb and yet in so much pain too.

Everyone in my life is working on themselves. They're striving so fucking hard and I'm glad for them. I used to want to stay to at least witness what happens in their lives, so I can celebrate them and cheer them on. But I've realized lately that I don't look forward to anything. If someone came to me now and said I could leave everything behind I would. In a heartbeat. I love my dogs so much, but I'd leave even them.

I'm so tired of feeling ungrateful and evil or just wrong. I'm tired of seeing myself as wrong or broken just because I have no desire to continue living. It wasn't my choice to be born so I hate feeling obligated to live. If I could detach myself from everything I would. But I'm also social and outgoing and I do have so much love. None of that changes how I feel about living. I just don't want to do it. Maybe I'm crazy or lazy, whatever, I accept that. But it's still my choice and anyone who wants to opt out of life fucking deserves to.

I'm sorry this turned into a rant.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really hate how we exist in this world where suicide isn't seen as a valid option. I see it as very much understandable not wanting to continue this existence we were unfortunate enough to be burdened with, in my case wanting to cease existing is all that feels rational and makes sense. I've also never wanted to be here and never could do.

 

[TransientEternal]

I can relate. I also remember wanting to die as a child. I have always been curious about death, I didn't and still don't understand why people are so against death. I used to feel guilty about the people I would leave behind, but now I don't feel a thing. Hell, I feel hate for people who hypocritically want people to stay because it's "selfish" to leave while they want people to stay and suffer for their sake.