Story I’ve Always Been A Fraud And It’s Finally Caught Up To Me

[alexit]

I've changed careers multiple times. I'd do something as long as I could before it got hard. Science. Journalism. Coding. The truth is I'm not good at anything. And now I really got in over my head. I managed to con myself into a high paying developer role, thinking I would pick up whatever I didn't know. I'm at the point where the work has gotten serious. I think I'm going to be fired when they realize I'm a fraud. And I could try getting another job, but honestly I don't have any skills. I've been a career con artist, like the movie Catch Me If You Can, except I haven't done anything illegal, just professions not requiring a license. And even if I thought I did have skills, I don't want to work. I'm tired of life. It's just a heap of pain that will continue until I die. I've been suicidal for years, two decades now, and have attempted multiple times. I'm hoping this week I find something that does the job, unlike me.

 

[rt1989526]

I'm the exact same. I don't really fit in anywhere I've worked either cause of personality disorder. I completely fake my way thru it all, and I'm afraid I've hit the end of the road in that regard.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

hoping this week I find something that does the job, unlike me.

Have you ever thought about doing copywriting? You seem to be something of a wordsmith

 

[alexit]

Have you ever thought about doing copywriting? You seem to be something of a wordsmith

Thanks. Writing is what I've done the most. I have been a copywriter. Pays too little. I got myself in a mountain of debt that I need a high salary. I've been irresponsible, I admit it.

 

[RedDEE]

You're suffering from "imposter syndrome".

Impostor syndrome - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

"Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments or talents and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud"

You're not a fraud bro. Listen, I am a mega-geek. IT, coding, network infrastructure, I've done it all. It all comes down to one thing - googling shit. That's all you have to do man, you know this! I've felt like a fraud, too, because I've had jobs where all I do is google shit to make things work. It makes me feel like I don't have the skills, I'm just googling and applying what over people have figured out. It feels like other people are doing all the work, and I'm just copying them.

But googling shit is a masterful skill. IF you know how to google a problem, and follow directions - you have mastered IT. You have mastered coding, you have mastered Network Administration. All of it.

You're not a "con artist". You're a skillful individual. You only feel like a con because you don't have faith in your own abilities. You can do this, man. Your work is getting serious? Then get serious. Don't give up your work, you're the right man for the job. You have the skills.

 

[BPD Barbie]

You're suffering from "imposter syndrome".

Impostor syndrome - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

"Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments or talents and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud"

You're not a fraud bro. Listen, I am a mega-geek. IT, coding, network infrastructure, I've done it all. It all comes down to one thing - googling shit. That's all you have to do man, you know this! I've felt like a fraud, too, because I've had jobs where all I do is google shit to make things work. It makes me feel like I don't have the skills, I'm just googling and applying what over people have figured out. It feels like other people are doing all the work, and I'm just copying them.

But googling shit is a masterful skill. IF you know how to google a problem, and follow directions - you have mastered IT. You have mastered coding, you have mastered Network Administration. All of it.

You're not a "con artist". You're a skillful individual. You only feel like a con because you don't have faith in your own abilities. You can do this, man. Your work is getting serious? Then get serious. Don't give up your work, you're the right man for the job. You have the skills.

You should be a motivational speaker.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I've changed careers multiple times. I'd do something as long as I could before it got hard. Science. Journalism. Coding. The truth is I'm not good at anything. And now I really got in over my head. I managed to con myself into a high paying developer role, thinking I would pick up whatever I didn't know. I'm at the point where the work has gotten serious. I think I'm going to be fired when they realize I'm a fraud. And I could try getting another job, but honestly I don't have any skills. I've been a career con artist, like the movie Catch Me If You Can, except I haven't done anything illegal, just professions not requiring a license. And even if I thought I did have skills, I don't want to work. I'm tired of life. It's just a heap of pain that will continue until I die. I've been suicidal for years, two decades now, and have attempted multiple times. I'm hoping this week I find something that does the job, unlike me.

I had these exact sentiments today when starting my last semester of classes for my Business degree. I switched to being a business major because it was supposed to be easy (which most of it was at first) but these days I'm so lost on a lot of the actual real world logistics and shit I can't be bothered to focus on. This is the last semester I need to graduate and it just started but I already feel so lost.

 

[Emily_Numb]

If you really aren't up to the job, your employer will find out soon enough. If it's not imposter syndrome and you definitely don't have the technical knowledge to do the job, it might be better to resign than get found out as it will look better on your CV/Resume.

You say you can't get a job because you lack skills but then you say you don't want a job anyway. Which is it?

Sometimes it's good to take a break and just take a very simple job with no stress, just to give your mind some room to think through what you'd like to so but still bring in some income. Not ever job needs to be a 'profession'.

If you need income though, I would certainly get something lined up for when the proverbial shit hits the fan at your new place of work. Having money problems is only going to make you feel worse.

 

[insurancepolicy]

I have this feeling a lot. My personality feels fraudulent though in that I can be very charismatic but it's very surface level and I realized I can be very bipolar with my emotions with massive highs and lows. Many bad decimos made during the highs that I then realize during the lows. It's why I'm here.

 

[Jojo81]

I have this feeling a lot. My personality feels fraudulent though in that I can be very charismatic but it's very surface level and I realized I can be very bipolar with my emotions with massive highs and lows. Many bad decimos made during the highs that I then realize during the lows. It's why I'm here.

I have never realized that I have been making bad decisions as long as I was getting a decent salary... But it's all caught up now..

 

[alexit]

You're suffering from "imposter syndrome".

Impostor syndrome - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

"Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments or talents and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud"

You're not a fraud bro. Listen, I am a mega-geek. IT, coding, network infrastructure, I've done it all. It all comes down to one thing - googling shit. That's all you have to do man, you know this! I've felt like a fraud, too, because I've had jobs where all I do is google shit to make things work. It makes me feel like I don't have the skills, I'm just googling and applying what over people have figured out. It feels like other people are doing all the work, and I'm just copying them.

But googling shit is a masterful skill. IF you know how to google a problem, and follow directions - you have mastered IT. You have mastered coding, you have mastered Network Administration. All of it.

You're not a "con artist". You're a skillful individual. You only feel like a con because you don't have faith in your own abilities. You can do this, man. Your work is getting serious? Then get serious. Don't give up your work, you're the right man for the job. You have the skills.

Thank you to everyone who responded, and especially you RedDEE. I want you to know that I took what you said to heart. In fact, I wasn't on the site because I needed to think about it. I know about impostor syndrome. I've told people things very similar to what you told me, but I still always felt like I was indeed a fraud. But you made a very good argument that I could not outright dismiss. I think I might even post this on your profile so I'm sure you read it because your post meant a lot to me. After reading your post, I decided to give this week a try. To see if by the end of it I really failed as miserably as I expected. It's Friday, and I can say that I didn't fail miserably. In fact, I did just fine. Some of what made me feel like such a fraud, like never before, ended up being a miscommunication in the technical infrastructure that made understanding what I was trying to understand impossible. I still feel like I'm over my head and I'm terrified of next week, but I got through this week by taking a leap of faith and having the confidence in myself you suggested I should have. I do feel like there is a chance I can meet the moment if I push myself more. I've pushed myself a lot already and I'm tired and I'm lost. Changing careers each time was not easy, so maybe I should give myself more credit. I'm not out of the woods, but I did finish the week with more purpose and hope than with what I started. So thank you.

I had these exact sentiments today when starting my last semester of classes for my Business degree. I switched to being a business major because it was supposed to be easy (which most of it was at first) but these days I'm so lost on a lot of the actual real world logistics and shit I can't be bothered to focus on. This is the last semester I need to graduate and it just started but I already feel so lost.

I'm sorry that you're going through that. I'm no one to talk but it does seem like you've come a long way and if you focus on finishing maybe everything else will fall into place, sort itself out or not have much of an impact. No matter what I hope you get through this time. I'm rooting for you.

I have this feeling a lot. My personality feels fraudulent though in that I can be very charismatic but it's very surface level and I realized I can be very bipolar with my emotions with massive highs and lows. Many bad decimos made during the highs that I then realize during the lows. It's why I'm here.

I think I can relate. It sucks. It fucking sucks. But your personality is obviously not fraudulent. You're honest and considerate, and that's not fake. I think because we're able to fool people sometimes we forget what's real about ourselves. I don't know what the answer is. Trying to keep ourselves grounded maybe? I dunno. But I wish you more highs than lows.

I'm the exact same. I don't really fit in anywhere I've worked either cause of personality disorder. I completely fake my way thru it all, and I'm afraid I've hit the end of the road in that regard.

Hopefully you and I can find more road.

 

[RedDEE]

Thank you to everyone who responded, and especially you RedDEE. I want you to know that I took what you said to heart. In fact, I wasn't on the site because I needed to think about it. I know about impostor syndrome. I've told people things very similar to what you told me, but I still always felt like I was indeed a fraud. But you made a very good argument that I could not outright dismiss. I think I might even post this on your profile so I'm sure you read it because your post meant a lot to me. After reading your post, I decided to give this week a try. To see if by the end of it I really failed as miserably as I expected. It's Friday, and I can say that I didn't fail miserably. In fact, I did just fine. Some of what made me feel like such a fraud, like never before, ended up being a miscommunication in the technical infrastructure that made understanding what I was trying to understand impossible. I still feel like I'm over my head and I'm terrified of next week, but I got through this week by taking a leap of faith and having the confidence in myself you suggested I should have. I do feel like there is a chance I can meet the moment if I push myself more. I've pushed myself a lot already and I'm tired and I'm lost. Changing careers each time was not easy, so maybe I should give myself more credit. I'm not out of the woods, but I did finish the week with more purpose and hope than with what I started. So thank you.

I'm sorry that you're going through that. I'm no one to talk but it does seem like you've come a long way and if you focus on finishing maybe everything else will fall into place, sort itself out or not have much of an impact. No matter what I hope you get through this time. I'm rooting for you.

I think I can relate. It sucks. It fucking sucks. But your personality is obviously not fraudulent. You're honest and considerate, and that's not fake. I think because we're able to fool people sometimes we forget what's real about ourselves. I don't know what the answer is. Trying to keep ourselves grounded maybe? I dunno. But I wish you more highs than lows.

You make me feel like a hero, man.

But you didn't have to reply to tell me that you made it through this week just fine. I already knew that you were going to!

 

[insurancepolicy]

I have never realized that I have been making bad decisions as long as I was getting a decent salary... But it's all caught up now..

I know that exact feeling except that part of my terrible decisions have been generally being awful with money so debt is a huge issue for me.

Thank you to everyone who responded, and especially you RedDEE. I want you to know that I took what you said to heart. In fact, I wasn't on the site because I needed to think about it. I know about impostor syndrome. I've told people things very similar to what you told me, but I still always felt like I was indeed a fraud. But you made a very good argument that I could not outright dismiss. I think I might even post this on your profile so I'm sure you read it because your post meant a lot to me. After reading your post, I decided to give this week a try. To see if by the end of it I really failed as miserably as I expected. It's Friday, and I can say that I didn't fail miserably. In fact, I did just fine. Some of what made me feel like such a fraud, like never before, ended up being a miscommunication in the technical infrastructure that made understanding what I was trying to understand impossible. I still feel like I'm over my head and I'm terrified of next week, but I got through this week by taking a leap of faith and having the confidence in myself you suggested I should have. I do feel like there is a chance I can meet the moment if I push myself more. I've pushed myself a lot already and I'm tired and I'm lost. Changing careers each time was not easy, so maybe I should give myself more credit. I'm not out of the woods, but I did finish the week with more purpose and hope than with what I started. So thank you.

I'm sorry that you're going through that. I'm no one to talk but it does seem like you've come a long way and if you focus on finishing maybe everything else will fall into place, sort itself out or not have much of an impact. No matter what I hope you get through this time. I'm rooting for you.

I think I can relate. It sucks. It fucking sucks. But your personality is obviously not fraudulent. You're honest and considerate, and that's not fake. I think because we're able to fool people sometimes we forget what's real about ourselves. I don't know what the answer is. Trying to keep ourselves grounded maybe? I dunno. But I wish you more highs than lows.

Hopefully you and I can find more road.

Thank you to everyone who responded, and especially you RedDEE. I want you to know that I took what you said to heart. In fact, I wasn't on the site because I needed to think about it. I know about impostor syndrome. I've told people things very similar to what you told me, but I still always felt like I was indeed a fraud. But you made a very good argument that I could not outright dismiss. I think I might even post this on your profile so I'm sure you read it because your post meant a lot to me. After reading your post, I decided to give this week a try. To see if by the end of it I really failed as miserably as I expected. It's Friday, and I can say that I didn't fail miserably. In fact, I did just fine. Some of what made me feel like such a fraud, like never before, ended up being a miscommunication in the technical infrastructure that made understanding what I was trying to understand impossible. I still feel like I'm over my head and I'm terrified of next week, but I got through this week by taking a leap of faith and having the confidence in myself you suggested I should have. I do feel like there is a chance I can meet the moment if I push myself more. I've pushed myself a lot already and I'm tired and I'm lost. Changing careers each time was not easy, so maybe I should give myself more credit. I'm not out of the woods, but I did finish the week with more purpose and hope than with what
I think I can relate. It sucks. It fucking sucks. But your personality is obviously not fraudulent. You're honest and considerate, and that's not fake. I think because we're able to fool people sometimes we forget what's real about ourselves. I don't know what the answer is. Trying to keep ourselves grounded maybe? I dunno. But I wish you more highs than lows.

Hopefully you and I can find more road.

Thank you to everyone who responded, and especially you RedDEE. I want you to know that I took what you said to heart. In fact, I wasn't on the site because I needed to think about it. I know about impostor syndrome. I've told people things very similar to what you told me, but I still always felt like I was indeed a fraud. But you made a very good argument that I could not outright dismiss. I think I might even post this on your profile so I'm sure you read it because your post meant a lot to me. After reading your post, I decided to give this week a try. To see if by the end of it I really failed as miserably as I expected. It's Friday, and I can say that I didn't fail miserably. In fact, I did just fine. Some of what made me feel like such a fraud, like never before, ended up being a miscommunication in the technical infrastructure that made understanding what I was trying to understand impossible. I still feel like I'm over my head and I'm terrified of next week, but I got through this week by taking a leap of faith and having the confidence in myself you suggested I should have. I do feel like there is a chance I can meet the moment if I push myself more. I've pushed myself a lot already and I'm tired and I'm lost. Changing careers each time was not easy, so maybe I should give myself more credit. I'm not out of the woods, but I did finish the week with more purpose and hope than with what I started. So thank you.

I'm sorry that you're going through that. I'm no one to talk but it does seem like you've come a long way and if you focus on finishing maybe everything else will fall into place, sort itself out or not have much of an impact. No matter what I hope you get through this time. I'm rooting for you.

I think I can relate. It sucks. It fucking sucks. But your personality is obviously not fraudulent. You're honest and considerate, and that's not fake. I think because we're able to fool people sometimes we forget what's real about ourselves. I don't know what the answer is. Trying to keep ourselves grounded maybe? I dunno. But I wish you more highs than lows.

Hopefully you and I can find more road.

I appreciate that. You as well! I think I realized at 32 years old that I'm very much a "yes man" and very much care about what others think of me which can be catastrophic to your own self-esteem. Haven't achieved at all what I thought I would as a bushy tailed youngster and generally dissatisfied with what I bring to the table.

Maybe there's still time.

Thus, the name "insurancepolicy."

I'm jaded and disillusioned enough now to comfortably have ctb in my back pocket in case get worse. Preferably N. Been looking more seriously into how to get it along with meto.

It's huge progress because just a month ago I considered jumping from height or a truck which sounds horrendous now.