I don't even know why I'm writing this here, I just don't really have anyone who I can be this honest with and I need to get it off my chest.
I've been on this site a year before, then "got better" and here I am again. I just can't even think anymore. I just sleep all the time and play games and watch tv all day to avoid having any thought. If I go out I just talk to people about the most boring stuff and go to school and come home again. I am pretending to everyone, even to myself. I just keep thinking, "I t's just one more day, then you will finally end this" But tue truth is I don't even have the courage to kill myself. I've been trying to buy all the stuff I need and gather informations for months, and I just keep delaying things because I can't deal with the thought that I will actually have to plan and go through killing myself. But it truly feels like the only option for me. I have this stupid hope that things will get better like it will magically fall from the sky, when I know that depending on me it will only get worse. I don't even know anymore if I'm lazy or if I hate myself so much that I can't finish anything that I start, so I just stopped starting. I just gave up on every hobby I had, every thing that made me feel good, even my hygiene. I just stopped trying because even if things start to get good in the end I am always my worst enemy. I self sabotage every relationship, every project, even daily activities. And yes I know this is probably due to depression, but at this point I feel like the problem is simply myself, my personality (or non existent one) , and my exhausting negativity. And god I can't stand myself, I hate myself so much that I just isolate from everyone and everything, and I can't stand hearing my voice in my head anymore. It's like I spend so much time alone with my thoughts I just want to throw my head on a wall and make it stop.
And I can't even talk with my family because I have to pretend that I'm fine and functional because I'm tired of worrying them when I know that nothing will change. It's like I'm a fucking robot. I'm living automatically, just eating and breathing. I can't deal with anything, even with the only thing I know will stop this hell. And it just makes me feel sooo fucking angry because I have everything. I have a loving family. I am studying what I like, I'm surrounded by art and nice people and any fucking good opportunity and possibility to make a decent life for myself. I have friends, they care for me. I'm in therapy, but I just go there and pretend that I'm fine as well because I truly have given up already a long time ago. It's like I'm already dead just waiting for death to come. I have never felt like a real person. It's like I don't have a personality, I just feel like a child. I'm stuck in childhood. I'll forever be a little girl that is too afraid to go out there in the real world and just hides behind her daddy's legs. Im not a real person. I don't really give myself to anything because I've never felt like myself. I can have all the good things around me and I just can't touch any of it. It all passes me by. Im tired. I don't even dream anymore, because I know I'm too afraid to conduct those dreams. I can't even live in the comfort of my little world because it was destroyed with the reality that I can't do anything outside of it. I always feel like an alien. Only when a love interest comes (which is usually some manipulative male that sees my fragility and abuses me) that I feel like I'm ok, but it's an illusion cause then they go away and I'm back at 0: only emotional dependence. I never loved anyone, I'm too afraid to go to someone and say I like them. I just let anyone that comes in take me, I just "love" whoever loves me. Same with friends.
I just feel like a fucking ghost. Who should've truly disappeared a long time ago.
I can't even stare my whining anymore which is why I stopped talking to people about how I feel. I just feel so ridiculous. Just complain and complain and complain and doesn't do anything. Like a spoiled little child. This is the main reason for me to wanna die, I just don't do anything about my misery. It's not like indent have the strength, im on antidepressants that even give me a bit of extra energy, I just don't think it will matter. Why trying if I know that the core of me is damaged, if I know that I will keep hating myself and sabotaging myself and talk talk and do nothing to change my faith? Even my mom is tired of my complaints, the same talk everyday, so I just stopped talking. I just laugh and pretend I'm going somewhere with my life. Part of me know I could reverse this situation with A LOT of effort, but I just don't have it in me. I can't even say a sentence in a socializing situation that makes any sense. If I can't do the bare minimum activities how the fuck am I gonna get somewhere in life? I can't even maintain friendships because I just stop answering everyone, I don't even know why they even like me or send me messages… and then I feel so angry because seeing others happy makes me so frustrated with myself… like even seeing someone just not struggling to do daily activities makes me feel so angry cause I can't do them.
makes me feel like such a monster for all this negative and angry emotions inside me…
I don't know if anyone is still reading this but it felt good to leave these thought somewhere. I just wanna get sn, and be able to swallow that shit up, I don't care about anything else, I can't keep doing this.
I've been on this site a year before, then "got better" and here I am again. I just can't even think anymore. I just sleep all the time and play games and watch tv all day to avoid having any thought. If I go out I just talk to people about the most boring stuff and go to school and come home again. I am pretending to everyone, even to myself. I just keep thinking, "I t's just one more day, then you will finally end this" But tue truth is I don't even have the courage to kill myself. I've been trying to buy all the stuff I need and gather informations for months, and I just keep delaying things because I can't deal with the thought that I will actually have to plan and go through killing myself. But it truly feels like the only option for me. I have this stupid hope that things will get better like it will magically fall from the sky, when I know that depending on me it will only get worse. I don't even know anymore if I'm lazy or if I hate myself so much that I can't finish anything that I start, so I just stopped starting. I just gave up on every hobby I had, every thing that made me feel good, even my hygiene. I just stopped trying because even if things start to get good in the end I am always my worst enemy. I self sabotage every relationship, every project, even daily activities. And yes I know this is probably due to depression, but at this point I feel like the problem is simply myself, my personality (or non existent one) , and my exhausting negativity. And god I can't stand myself, I hate myself so much that I just isolate from everyone and everything, and I can't stand hearing my voice in my head anymore. It's like I spend so much time alone with my thoughts I just want to throw my head on a wall and make it stop.
And I can't even talk with my family because I have to pretend that I'm fine and functional because I'm tired of worrying them when I know that nothing will change. It's like I'm a fucking robot. I'm living automatically, just eating and breathing. I can't deal with anything, even with the only thing I know will stop this hell. And it just makes me feel sooo fucking angry because I have everything. I have a loving family. I am studying what I like, I'm surrounded by art and nice people and any fucking good opportunity and possibility to make a decent life for myself. I have friends, they care for me. I'm in therapy, but I just go there and pretend that I'm fine as well because I truly have given up already a long time ago. It's like I'm already dead just waiting for death to come. I have never felt like a real person. It's like I don't have a personality, I just feel like a child. I'm stuck in childhood. I'll forever be a little girl that is too afraid to go out there in the real world and just hides behind her daddy's legs. Im not a real person. I don't really give myself to anything because I've never felt like myself. I can have all the good things around me and I just can't touch any of it. It all passes me by. Im tired. I don't even dream anymore, because I know I'm too afraid to conduct those dreams. I can't even live in the comfort of my little world because it was destroyed with the reality that I can't do anything outside of it. I always feel like an alien. Only when a love interest comes (which is usually some manipulative male that sees my fragility and abuses me) that I feel like I'm ok, but it's an illusion cause then they go away and I'm back at 0: only emotional dependence. I never loved anyone, I'm too afraid to go to someone and say I like them. I just let anyone that comes in take me, I just "love" whoever loves me. Same with friends.
I just feel like a fucking ghost. Who should've truly disappeared a long time ago.
I can't even stare my whining anymore which is why I stopped talking to people about how I feel. I just feel so ridiculous. Just complain and complain and complain and doesn't do anything. Like a spoiled little child. This is the main reason for me to wanna die, I just don't do anything about my misery. It's not like indent have the strength, im on antidepressants that even give me a bit of extra energy, I just don't think it will matter. Why trying if I know that the core of me is damaged, if I know that I will keep hating myself and sabotaging myself and talk talk and do nothing to change my faith? Even my mom is tired of my complaints, the same talk everyday, so I just stopped talking. I just laugh and pretend I'm going somewhere with my life. Part of me know I could reverse this situation with A LOT of effort, but I just don't have it in me. I can't even say a sentence in a socializing situation that makes any sense. If I can't do the bare minimum activities how the fuck am I gonna get somewhere in life? I can't even maintain friendships because I just stop answering everyone, I don't even know why they even like me or send me messages… and then I feel so angry because seeing others happy makes me so frustrated with myself… like even seeing someone just not struggling to do daily activities makes me feel so angry cause I can't do them.
makes me feel like such a monster for all this negative and angry emotions inside me…
I don't know if anyone is still reading this but it felt good to leave these thought somewhere. I just wanna get sn, and be able to swallow that shit up, I don't care about anything else, I can't keep doing this.
