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ImTelling
Sad Doggo
- May 27, 2024
- 160
Hello again! Long time no see.
I'm starting to consider CBT again after a small window of time where things were looking up. Anxieties start to creep in and Im starting to realise that I've fucked myself over completely. Any chance of a successful and happy life has been throughly squandered.
The urge to commit some abstract violent act before CBT plagues me. I'm not a violent person, at least I don't want to be. I'm self aware that it's my monkey brain wanting some control; getting back at some perceived injustice. I wish I had something more interesting about me other than just being fat, ugly and angry. I'm starting to bald as well.
I'm deathly afraid of kidney stones and two weeks ago I had a very intense scare when I saw pink streaks in the front of my toilet bowl. I didn't go to the doctor because my piss remained translucent throughout the day. I'm not sure if I was just imagining things or if it was something more sinister.
I'm thinking of making it a big spectacle. Something to put in the papers. If I can't kill or seriously injure people then I'll just make this death a performance piece. I'm going to paint my face like Ricardo Lopez, the Bjรถrk Stalker. Have some paintings of mine lining the floor. Blue tac some writings all over the walls of my apartment. Suicide note, will, ect.
I don't think I'm special, all I know is I want to go out before everyone realises how much of a sick puppy I am. I don't know where I'm going with this. It really does feel like I'm going to get arrested and my SN seized. Any day now my life will be forcefully taken from me and ruined permanently. I wish this paranoia could be explained as me being schizophrenic or being manic but I'm just boring and plain.
Hard on the eyes.
I'm starting to consider CBT again after a small window of time where things were looking up. Anxieties start to creep in and Im starting to realise that I've fucked myself over completely. Any chance of a successful and happy life has been throughly squandered.
The urge to commit some abstract violent act before CBT plagues me. I'm not a violent person, at least I don't want to be. I'm self aware that it's my monkey brain wanting some control; getting back at some perceived injustice. I wish I had something more interesting about me other than just being fat, ugly and angry. I'm starting to bald as well.
I'm deathly afraid of kidney stones and two weeks ago I had a very intense scare when I saw pink streaks in the front of my toilet bowl. I didn't go to the doctor because my piss remained translucent throughout the day. I'm not sure if I was just imagining things or if it was something more sinister.
I'm thinking of making it a big spectacle. Something to put in the papers. If I can't kill or seriously injure people then I'll just make this death a performance piece. I'm going to paint my face like Ricardo Lopez, the Bjรถrk Stalker. Have some paintings of mine lining the floor. Blue tac some writings all over the walls of my apartment. Suicide note, will, ect.
I don't think I'm special, all I know is I want to go out before everyone realises how much of a sick puppy I am. I don't know where I'm going with this. It really does feel like I'm going to get arrested and my SN seized. Any day now my life will be forcefully taken from me and ruined permanently. I wish this paranoia could be explained as me being schizophrenic or being manic but I'm just boring and plain.
Hard on the eyes.