I struggle talking about myself but I do want help so please bare with me.
So far my life in general has been pretty shit but for the past 3ish years everything has been especially hard. I come from a very abusive family with narcissists as parents, and deep down I've always known something was off but I didn't realize the extent of how awful they are until I was like 16. Despite that growing up I always did well academically and even got accepted into early college at 14. But that year was when I got my first obsession and as a result everything just spiraled out of control. I didn't know it at the time but that was ocd. I couldn't go to school or function at all (im still not). I did try while also going to therapy and my therapist told me that my environment was a big factor as to why my mental state was so bad. I guess being repeatedly raped as a child and having to deal with my family not being supportive, coupled with years of neglect & abuse was finally taking a toll on me. The therapist I was seeing had to change companies so then I was left without a therapist. So much has happened over the span of 3 years (different antidepressants, different therapists, family therapy, realizing my parents were narcissists, mental hospitals, heartbreak, cps & being in the system, etc.) ... and most of it was spent in complete isolation. The isolation has changed since this year but my life is still so isolating. Throughout all of this I've dealt with feeling suicidal yet I'm still here and I don't really know why. Even writing this out, I feel in a way like I didn't explain myself good enough, but maybe that's just the anxiety/ocd talking. I have noticed my memory & cognitive function has gotten significantly worse in these 3 years and that scares me so much. I just don't know what to do or how to fix my life anymore. I know the 1st step should be getting away from my parents. It's just hard when they purposefully isolate me, refuse to teach me how to drive, and with how bad my mental health is everything just seems impossible. It's so discouraging being around abusive people 24/7. Even if I'm away from my parents I still risk the chance of running into shitty people. People who will see that I've been abused and use that to justify trying to take advantage of me.. that even happens to me now on the internet. Or people that will see my mental health and judge me for being that way, along with judging the life circumstances that I had no control over. For them it's easier to judge because they can't even fathom being in my shoes or someone similar. It's not just people, it's society and the media too...The societal pressures/expectations that I couldn't fit in with because of how unconventional and traumatic my life has been. I don't even know if my life is salvageable anymore. I feel like a broken shell of a person. And nothing seems worth it if I'm just going to be alone forever. Fuck, even if I had people idek if it'd be worth it then. I don't partake in my hobbies or interests anymore because even that exhausts me and is tiring. I don't really feel emotions anymore, other than intense sensations & negative emotions. I can't feel pleasure anymore because of anhedonia. So much shit is wrong with my life, that doesn't even really scratch the surface, but in order to talk about everything I'd probably be here writing the entire day. And I'm tired of people disregarding my experiences and my feelings. I'm tired of being compared to others and told that I'm weak for being this way, and for being suicidal. I hate being so complicated that I'm not valid enough for others to listen to me or help.
