My thoughts are finally getting more and more selfish. Today I made one of the biggest steps towards not caring about the consequences or the ones I'm going to leave behind. I've lived most of my life this far soley for others but the closer I get to my planned date the less I care about all of the things I wanted to take care of before that and who I leave behind.
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For example, my mentally very weak mum with schizophrenia and my dad who's had a really hard time in the last 6-7 years trying to take care of her. My mum will have another breakdown/psychosis even though she's finally been doing better. Both of my parents always did their best and I love them deeply but I'm starting to value my own emotions, wishes and needs more than theirs.
I'm also leaving behind my depressed and already struggling husband as well as our cat. To roughly sum everything up I mainly wanted to take care of
- our finances (cause he has no idea what's being paid when and how to manage/get into most of my accounts)
- the apartment (we're both depressed so it's a real mess and it's mostly my stuff that's lying around and will remind him of me, so he'd probably have to throw away a lot or tiptoe around it for a long time)
- giving our cat to my grandmother so he doesn't have to take care of her
So basically everything that would make it easier for him to live after I ctb as he's shown me that he's sometimes irresponsible with taking care of her or himself when I'm gone/he's doing bad, but as I said, I'm starting to care less and less even though I love them all deeply.
My cat is a weird topic. She's already stopped me from ctb in the past. But I thought about giving her to my grandmother several times and now I've even decided to leave her with someone who might hurt her. Hate me all you want but there are just too many things I'd have to consider, so at this point I'm convinced it's my best choice to leave her with him as I'd have to contact my grandmother out of the blue after not talking to her for several months and ask her to take her and bring her there. This would raise several red flags with her, my family and my husband who know I've been suicidal since I was 9. I simply can't take that risk. The other option I'd have would be to leave her contact info for my husband (and then hope that he gets what I mean by that) so at that point I might as well leave it to him entirely and hope he takes care of her.
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On another more unrelated note, I'm not entirely sure if I want to leave any notes yet. I'll maybe leave one for my parents, thanking them for their efforts in my upbringing along with a simple apology as I'm sure they'd blame themselves for letting my half brother abuse me when we were younger. I'd want them to know that it's not their fault and that there is nothing they could have done any better but that might make them think the exact opposite, as that thought might not even cross their minds before they read it, so who knows?
Similar thing with my two best friends. I'd like to tell them that there is nothing they could have done but if a note helps or hinders them from thinking that is something I cannot be sure of.
As for my husband.. that's a different topic as I feel like he does play a major role in planning my bus ride. Not just for hurting me along the way but also for making me realize that if it doesn't work out with him (which spoiler alert, it doesn't), it won't work out with anyone else. While he did make me understand what the word love really means I'd probably also have to leave out the parts where I blame him for falling asleep next to me after hearing me cry. I'd have to leave out the parts where I tell him he might have been able to save me if he just tried a little bit harder like he did in the beginning. To be completely honest I don't know if he deserves that though. I mean both things btw. I mean the guilt tripping as well as the hiding of the fact that he's my major reason why. I love him but he's a narcissist (it looks like I'm starting to become one as well though). Either way, it wouldn't matter what I say, he'd twist my words (or lack there of) in his head the way he wants to perceive it anyways, so why even bother.
I've thought about the whole note thing way too much already. There is a lot I could say. In the past (and even now as it seems) I would have be able to fill pages upon pages going back and forth but I think I'd rather not. If at all, I'd like to keep it simple from now on. After a lot of thoughts about this I think I was able to narrow it down to two options:
1. I'm thinking about leaving him instructions for the leftover SN but I'm uncertain about this because of several reasons.
- He said he'd never ctb even if I do so before him.
- He's always said if he ever wants to die it would be his wish to go out with an OD at a very old age so he can have one last high. He's a little bit of a drugie.
- I don't think he'd appreciate it.
2. The only other thing I'd maybe like to tell him is to finish watching clannad. It's an anime that's very dear to my heart. We wanted to watch it together while we're rolling on MDMA in the past. We started it but never finished, we stopped right before the most emotional episodes as my husband had other "more important" plans more than once. As I said he's kind of a (lust driven) drugie so he rather wanted to have sex on MDMA than to finish watching that show with me. It's something I've thought about a lot in the last few months. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it directly but it saddens me to think that he never really understood how much it meant to me and that he'd put his lust before my feelings but as I've been
raped by him numerous times in the past that's not something I shouldn't be used to at this point. He usually gets me. Which sounds absurd after what I've just said but it's true. Anyways, I wasn't planning on guilt tripping him though, I'd just ask him to finish clannad for me.
Either way...
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... as others said before me, I wouldn't be there to clarify anything and I honestly do not want to be. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of trying, so as of now I'm leaning towards not leaving any notes. I don't mind leaving them behind anymore as much as I used to and I don't plan on taking on any more responsibilities to make it easier for them. As I'm writing this I also don't really feel guilty anymore. Maybe I'll feel remorse in my final moments (at least that's what I assume to be the "morally right thing") but for now I'm just glad. I'm happy. I can't wait for my SN to arrive. I'm even thinking about doing it earlier than planned so I can avoid even more responsibilities.
Life's complex, so I'm looking forward to much simpler times soon.
I'm more selfish than I've ever been and I couldn't be happier right now because I finally see an end to it. I feel empowered to be able to decide when I want to end it. I'm not letting myself be bound by others. They'll figure it out without me and if they won't that won't be my problem anymore anyways.
I think that's all I have to say for now. I'd like to thank people for reading this much but I doubt anyone did. I honestly wrote this for myself which is why it's all over the place. Writing made me stop crying and helped me to get my thoughts straight again.
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For example, my mentally very weak mum with schizophrenia and my dad who's had a really hard time in the last 6-7 years trying to take care of her. My mum will have another breakdown/psychosis even though she's finally been doing better. Both of my parents always did their best and I love them deeply but I'm starting to value my own emotions, wishes and needs more than theirs.
I'm also leaving behind my depressed and already struggling husband as well as our cat. To roughly sum everything up I mainly wanted to take care of
- our finances (cause he has no idea what's being paid when and how to manage/get into most of my accounts)
- the apartment (we're both depressed so it's a real mess and it's mostly my stuff that's lying around and will remind him of me, so he'd probably have to throw away a lot or tiptoe around it for a long time)
- giving our cat to my grandmother so he doesn't have to take care of her
So basically everything that would make it easier for him to live after I ctb as he's shown me that he's sometimes irresponsible with taking care of her or himself when I'm gone/he's doing bad, but as I said, I'm starting to care less and less even though I love them all deeply.
My cat is a weird topic. She's already stopped me from ctb in the past. But I thought about giving her to my grandmother several times and now I've even decided to leave her with someone who might hurt her. Hate me all you want but there are just too many things I'd have to consider, so at this point I'm convinced it's my best choice to leave her with him as I'd have to contact my grandmother out of the blue after not talking to her for several months and ask her to take her and bring her there. This would raise several red flags with her, my family and my husband who know I've been suicidal since I was 9. I simply can't take that risk. The other option I'd have would be to leave her contact info for my husband (and then hope that he gets what I mean by that) so at that point I might as well leave it to him entirely and hope he takes care of her.
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On another more unrelated note, I'm not entirely sure if I want to leave any notes yet. I'll maybe leave one for my parents, thanking them for their efforts in my upbringing along with a simple apology as I'm sure they'd blame themselves for letting my half brother abuse me when we were younger. I'd want them to know that it's not their fault and that there is nothing they could have done any better but that might make them think the exact opposite, as that thought might not even cross their minds before they read it, so who knows?
Similar thing with my two best friends. I'd like to tell them that there is nothing they could have done but if a note helps or hinders them from thinking that is something I cannot be sure of.
As for my husband.. that's a different topic as I feel like he does play a major role in planning my bus ride. Not just for hurting me along the way but also for making me realize that if it doesn't work out with him (which spoiler alert, it doesn't), it won't work out with anyone else. While he did make me understand what the word love really means I'd probably also have to leave out the parts where I blame him for falling asleep next to me after hearing me cry. I'd have to leave out the parts where I tell him he might have been able to save me if he just tried a little bit harder like he did in the beginning. To be completely honest I don't know if he deserves that though. I mean both things btw. I mean the guilt tripping as well as the hiding of the fact that he's my major reason why. I love him but he's a narcissist (it looks like I'm starting to become one as well though). Either way, it wouldn't matter what I say, he'd twist my words (or lack there of) in his head the way he wants to perceive it anyways, so why even bother.
I've thought about the whole note thing way too much already. There is a lot I could say. In the past (and even now as it seems) I would have be able to fill pages upon pages going back and forth but I think I'd rather not. If at all, I'd like to keep it simple from now on. After a lot of thoughts about this I think I was able to narrow it down to two options:
1. I'm thinking about leaving him instructions for the leftover SN but I'm uncertain about this because of several reasons.
- He said he'd never ctb even if I do so before him.
- He's always said if he ever wants to die it would be his wish to go out with an OD at a very old age so he can have one last high. He's a little bit of a drugie.
- I don't think he'd appreciate it.
2. The only other thing I'd maybe like to tell him is to finish watching clannad. It's an anime that's very dear to my heart. We wanted to watch it together while we're rolling on MDMA in the past. We started it but never finished, we stopped right before the most emotional episodes as my husband had other "more important" plans more than once. As I said he's kind of a (lust driven) drugie so he rather wanted to have sex on MDMA than to finish watching that show with me. It's something I've thought about a lot in the last few months. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it directly but it saddens me to think that he never really understood how much it meant to me and that he'd put his lust before my feelings but as I've been
raped by him numerous times in the past that's not something I shouldn't be used to at this point. He usually gets me. Which sounds absurd after what I've just said but it's true. Anyways, I wasn't planning on guilt tripping him though, I'd just ask him to finish clannad for me.
Either way...
------------------------------------------------------------
... as others said before me, I wouldn't be there to clarify anything and I honestly do not want to be. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of trying, so as of now I'm leaning towards not leaving any notes. I don't mind leaving them behind anymore as much as I used to and I don't plan on taking on any more responsibilities to make it easier for them. As I'm writing this I also don't really feel guilty anymore. Maybe I'll feel remorse in my final moments (at least that's what I assume to be the "morally right thing") but for now I'm just glad. I'm happy. I can't wait for my SN to arrive. I'm even thinking about doing it earlier than planned so I can avoid even more responsibilities.
Life's complex, so I'm looking forward to much simpler times soon.
I'm more selfish than I've ever been and I couldn't be happier right now because I finally see an end to it. I feel empowered to be able to decide when I want to end it. I'm not letting myself be bound by others. They'll figure it out without me and if they won't that won't be my problem anymore anyways.
I think that's all I have to say for now. I'd like to thank people for reading this much but I doubt anyone did. I honestly wrote this for myself which is why it's all over the place. Writing made me stop crying and helped me to get my thoughts straight again.
