It's nearly the end

[Lutembëe]

It's all about my method (SN), my location, the checklist you have to do before committing suicide. I'm serene, that's what keeps me going every day. All I think about is suicide and trying to drown my thoughts on the internet. And yet something prevents me from killing myself.

I wanted to do it at the end of August but I can't stop thinking about my handicapped mother and the pain it will cause her. I'm at her house for two weeks and she sees me disappear before her eyes (I eat more, I hydrate too much, I take drugs, I isolate myself). She cries every night according to my stepfather because she doesn't want to lose me. It breaks my heart but I know I have to kill myself.

I'm suffering too much even though my life is completely normal. My bipolarity has ruined everything. I can't do anything anymore to the point of soon being a disabled worker while I'm doing my doctorate. I know that I can't stay in this state for months on end. The treatments are so bad for me that I have to undergo extensive tests in a psychiatric hospital.

My decision is firm: I want to commit suicide, small voices are telling me to do it. But my little mummy is holding me back. I have no support system apart from the medical staff. My boyfriend doesn't understand my illness and my friends don't. I'm starting to drift away from them. I just want to be alone. It's a good thing this community exists. I was in the middle of a crying fit and writing this message eased my pain a little with my benzo.

But when I'll be gone, I hope my mother will think that I'm finally at peace where I'll be.

 

[rhiino]

I am sorry you are in so much pain. I too feel very guilty because of my parents and my brother. It is soo heartbreaking.

 

[rt1989526]

I understand completely. We are here for you until you decide it's time to go. I'm going to sometime in late October/early November. Yes there will be a few people that will be upset but it's about YOU and ending YOUR pain. Living like this is torture, we don't deserve this.

 

[falloutcarter13]

My heart breaks for you. Thank you for sharing this, it helps put my own situation in perspective a little. I know exactly how you feel, equally pressured to kys but also having the guilt at leaving people behind who don't understand that its all already over, you're just dead but still breathing at this point. I'm glad you have this place to let these things out and be honest, it really does help me and I'm sure it helps you. If you ever need someone to listen and not judge or offer bs advice or platitudes, my pms are always open. Best wishes, I hope you find peace one way or the other very soon.

 

[Meditation guide]

My bipolarity has ruined everything.

I feel so bad for you, having that. Have they ever suggested electroconvulsive therapy? I've known people with that. You have my sympathy.

 

[Nymph]

It's all about my method (SN), my location, the checklist you have to do before committing suicide. I'm serene, that's what keeps me going every day. All I think about is suicide and trying to drown my thoughts on the internet. And yet something prevents me from killing myself.

I wanted to do it at the end of August but I can't stop thinking about my handicapped mother and the pain it will cause her. I'm at her house for two weeks and she sees me disappear before her eyes (I eat more, I hydrate too much, I take drugs, I isolate myself). She cries every night according to my stepfather because she doesn't want to lose me. It breaks my heart but I know I have to kill myself.

I'm suffering too much even though my life is completely normal. My bipolarity has ruined everything. I can't do anything anymore to the point of soon being a disabled worker while I'm doing my doctorate. I know that I can't stay in this state for months on end. The treatments are so bad for me that I have to undergo extensive tests in a psychiatric hospital.

My decision is firm: I want to commit suicide, small voices are telling me to do it. But my little mummy is holding me back. I have no support system apart from the medical staff. My boyfriend doesn't understand my illness and my friends don't. I'm starting to drift away from them. I just want to be alone. It's a good thing this community exists. I was in the middle of a crying fit and writing this message eased my pain a little with my benzo.

But when I'll be gone, I hope my mother will think that I'm finally at peace where I'll be.

I'm going through the same feelings, I hate to hurt my family but I can't be here any longer