i set the date a while ago for August the 26th, cause that day there will be full moon here (weird looking at the moon now and knowing I'll ctb when it's full), when i think about it, it feels odd, I can't process the fact that I'm gonna die(I read somewhere, that in existence you cannot imagine non-existence, like light can't imagine darkness bla bla)
I'll be on the beach, get myself drunk and enjoy myself for a last time, I wrote a general letter explaining why, and I'll be writing one for every person i really care about, which are few, it hurts me so much to imagine how shattered my relatives are going to be, my grandmother, who to say it some way, devotes her life to me and I'm the most important thing in her life, and I would exist only, for them to not be sad, but of course I can't, I can't live obliged, and I can't no longer bear the agony(depression, really bad anxiety and blocking stutter to the point of barely being able to talk, and now isolating myself for that), and this is just the end of my story, I'm 18 and all my life I've been pretty much of a romantic myself, I'd say I only live for love and the pure emotions, I've fallen in love, had beautiful moments with friends and felt amazing things I could never explain, now I've grown and I see more the world in color grey, inner me is all significance and beautiful things, while the world brings all that down, I'm to explode of pressure for all the things i "have" to do, but I can't do, mostly having to chase money and be a "wage slave", which in my soul I really don't feel like, I see myself becoming every moment more serious, and losing my inner child which I happen to treasure, so I decided to end my tale here, I'm glad for everyone I see on Instagram for still being on the illusion(I can't understand their behavior however), that illusion where you forget death and live like you're gonna live forever, i lost that illusion (as well as you people did, I guess), and now that I lost it i can realize it was there, it's like the reaper comes to take you, but he doesn't kill you, he waits for you to pull the trigger, how hard this is, what a mental struggle, ever since all of this started on me, I never stopped feeling between the sword and the wall, and i pretty much hope my people understand this, I'm not killing myself because one day I woke up and just wanted to, I'm killing myself because I'm already dead, unfortunately, the fact that it's suicide is gonna make them see my death differently, I'd like them to "judge" my death equally as if i had gotten fucking cancer, cause after all, I'm sick, and I'm suffering, is it that different cause I had to pull the trigger myself?
Nevermind, just wanted to share my story, I can't tell this to anyone so I'm telling you, I'm grateful for this community, we're all different ages, different cases and from different parts of the world, but we all happen to be here together before our death and we can be totally sincere about what we cannot tell anyone else.
So, I'm doing a kind of partial suspension hanging standing on something and with the rope as if i were to do full suspension, so if the first fails, I'll just drop myself, cause I really can't fail.
It's interesting how our entire lives, death has been portrayed to us as really tragic, and now it feels so simple, I woke up today and I had a feeling of ooh shit, like if I had forgotten i was alive, and if I hadn't woken up it would have been just the same.
So, if i don't post after the date, it's because everything went according to the plan, if I fail and wake up in the hospital with brain damage I'll let you know (fuck that hurts only to imagine)
I'll be on the beach, get myself drunk and enjoy myself for a last time, I wrote a general letter explaining why, and I'll be writing one for every person i really care about, which are few, it hurts me so much to imagine how shattered my relatives are going to be, my grandmother, who to say it some way, devotes her life to me and I'm the most important thing in her life, and I would exist only, for them to not be sad, but of course I can't, I can't live obliged, and I can't no longer bear the agony(depression, really bad anxiety and blocking stutter to the point of barely being able to talk, and now isolating myself for that), and this is just the end of my story, I'm 18 and all my life I've been pretty much of a romantic myself, I'd say I only live for love and the pure emotions, I've fallen in love, had beautiful moments with friends and felt amazing things I could never explain, now I've grown and I see more the world in color grey, inner me is all significance and beautiful things, while the world brings all that down, I'm to explode of pressure for all the things i "have" to do, but I can't do, mostly having to chase money and be a "wage slave", which in my soul I really don't feel like, I see myself becoming every moment more serious, and losing my inner child which I happen to treasure, so I decided to end my tale here, I'm glad for everyone I see on Instagram for still being on the illusion(I can't understand their behavior however), that illusion where you forget death and live like you're gonna live forever, i lost that illusion (as well as you people did, I guess), and now that I lost it i can realize it was there, it's like the reaper comes to take you, but he doesn't kill you, he waits for you to pull the trigger, how hard this is, what a mental struggle, ever since all of this started on me, I never stopped feeling between the sword and the wall, and i pretty much hope my people understand this, I'm not killing myself because one day I woke up and just wanted to, I'm killing myself because I'm already dead, unfortunately, the fact that it's suicide is gonna make them see my death differently, I'd like them to "judge" my death equally as if i had gotten fucking cancer, cause after all, I'm sick, and I'm suffering, is it that different cause I had to pull the trigger myself?
Nevermind, just wanted to share my story, I can't tell this to anyone so I'm telling you, I'm grateful for this community, we're all different ages, different cases and from different parts of the world, but we all happen to be here together before our death and we can be totally sincere about what we cannot tell anyone else.
So, I'm doing a kind of partial suspension hanging standing on something and with the rope as if i were to do full suspension, so if the first fails, I'll just drop myself, cause I really can't fail.
It's interesting how our entire lives, death has been portrayed to us as really tragic, and now it feels so simple, I woke up today and I had a feeling of ooh shit, like if I had forgotten i was alive, and if I hadn't woken up it would have been just the same.
So, if i don't post after the date, it's because everything went according to the plan, if I fail and wake up in the hospital with brain damage I'll let you know (fuck that hurts only to imagine)
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