Venting It's my birthday

[kilowatt]

I feel out of this world. It's so gut wrenching. I was not supposed to be here. I was not supposed to make it so far.
I was supposed to CTB on thursday. That was my planned day. I couldn't get myself to do it on my brother's birthday. Or so close around 2 of my friends' birthdays. I wasn't fully ready. I just went to the place and stared into the void until a hobo came and asked me for money. I knew I wasn't gonna do it but I still went. It's not fair. I wish it was easier. Why isn't it ever easy? What hurts most is that I was so very ready for it. I prepared myself like half a year prior. I had ONE chance. Now due to some events I'm not able to do it until after new year's.
And I'm still here. It's my birthday. I'm 20.
I wish I could just sleep through this day. I wish tomorrow I didn't have to go to college and repeat the endless cycle. I wish I could just get it over with. I feel like a pussy. If no one yet cares enough about me to wish me a happy birthday I highly doubt there'd be much difference if I killed myself. I feel like I deserve to be tortured, not just dead. This is driving me crazy.

 

[nowhere_girl]

Happy birthday... I am glad you made it even though it is hard... sorry I do not have anything better to say, your post had an impact on me and i just wanted to let you know it was seen

 

[kilowatt]

Happy birthday... I am glad you made it even though it is hard... sorry I do not have anything better to say, your post had an impact on me and i just wanted to let you know it was seen

Thank you. Means a lot.

 

[eppell]

Happy birthday! Sorry you have to go through so much. Your brother and your friends probably can't thank you for not CTB because they might not know about it, so I'll do it on there behalves: thank you!

 

[Lost cherry]

Happy birthday!!

 

[kilowatt]

Thanks everyone, your words are so kind. I'm still aiming to CTB in the near future but my current presence warms me up.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Happy birthday. I know what it is like to complete another solar revolution and still be stuck here. If you want to talk you can message me any time.

 

[Kit1]

Happy Birthday, Kilowatt.

I understand the feeling that you do not want to be here, but am glad that you made it to your 20th year. As we wake up to another day, there is still hope for things to turn around (though yes, it could also turn out to be disappointments). Is there something special you could do for yourself for your birthday?

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Happy birthday kilowatt.
I'm sorry you are going through a rough time.
Hugs.

 

[Abyssal]

Happy birthday, kilowatt.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, but I also want to congratulate you on getting through this time. Even at one of the lowest points one can experience, you put others first. Humans are incredibly selfish creatures, what you did is really quite the feat.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Happy birthday! I'm sorry what you are going through is awful. Dying is even harder than living and life is often so cruel. I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do.

 

[LeWantsToDie]

Happy Birthday, Kilowatt! I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do. If you want to talk, I'm here. My birthday's in December too and I just have one person who I'm hoping will wish me that day - I don't think anyone else will. My parents might but they won't be home on my birthday. Anyway, I feel you

 

[lemonbunny]

happy belated birthday <3 i can relate so hard tbh as a fellow college student, i'm sorry ur going through that. hugs thru the screen

 

[kilowatt]

Happy Birthday, Kilowatt! I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do. If you want to talk, I'm here. My birthday's in December too and I just have one person who I'm hoping will wish me that day - I don't think anyone else will. My parents might but they won't be home on my birthday. Anyway, I feel you

Thank you a lot. Early happy birthday to you too :)

 

[Lloydbro]

Happy birthday man
I do not know what to say since I was planning to end my life on my birthday too a few weeks ago

 

[Kit1]

Happy Birthday, Kilowatt! I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do. If you want to talk, I'm here. My birthday's in December too and I just have one person who I'm hoping will wish me that day - I don't think anyone else will. My parents might but they won't be home on my birthday. Anyway, I feel you

I don't know when your birthday is - but Happy Birthday and wish you do something special for yourself.

 

[girlsboysthems]

happy birthday

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

Happy birthday.
My last 5 birthdays have been terrible.
This year, which was in August, I made a last attempt to live well, to straighten out. But I was stupid, I failed my last chance.

I wish your birthday is as good as possible.

 

[LeWantsToDie]

I don't know when your birthday is - but Happy Birthday and wish you do something special for yourself.

Hehe. That's actually my (maybe) CTB date. I know that's not what you meant but it was funny. I plan to have some cake too though.

 

[Unattainable666]

I feel out of this world. It's so gut wrenching. I was not supposed to be here. I was not supposed to make it so far.
I was supposed to CTB on thursday. That was my planned day. I couldn't get myself to do it on my brother's birthday. Or so close around 2 of my friends' birthdays. I wasn't fully ready. I just went to the place and stared into the void until a hobo came and asked me for money. I knew I wasn't gonna do it but I still went. It's not fair. I wish it was easier. Why isn't it ever easy? What hurts most is that I was so very ready for it. I prepared myself like half a year prior. I had ONE chance. Now due to some events I'm not able to do it until after new year's.
And I'm still here. It's my birthday. I'm 20.
I wish I could just sleep through this day. I wish tomorrow I didn't have to go to college and repeat the endless cycle. I wish I could just get it over with. I feel like a pussy. If no one yet cares enough about me to wish me a happy birthday I highly doubt there'd be much difference if I killed myself. I feel like I deserve to be tortured, not just dead. This is driving me crazy.

Happy Belated Birthday