All of my problems and issues are my fault, logically/realistically I live a normal life, I could get my license back in 2 years(legal issues, having to be court ordered on meds) which is the cause of most of my feelings of being trapped. However, when I look and see my life at my happiest, I still was depressed, or I was having to take adderall to get by everyday and trick myself into being happy, so I just don't see a point in trying to undo all these issues to get back to where I was, only to feel a little bit better, and the peak of my life is over? Life is just a series of dopamine highs, this could all be over, no worries, no nothing. I will end up inheriting a lot of money(about 2 million) if I stick around for 5-10 years, but I just don't think I can handle this suffering, if I go my brother will get more anyways and he deserves it way more than I do. If I could just sit and play videos games without having to worry about the outside world, I probably could get by another couple of months, but realistically I just can't get away from my past or ignore the real world. I barely have enough energy to walk, spend most of my days sleeping, waking up, showering, panic attacks, crawling back into bed, sleeping, playing video games, eating, binging and purging, sleeping, noting gives me relief from these feelings of dread and terror. Im tired of looking in the mirror hating the way I look and obsession over my appearance, I'm tired of the constant competition and capitalism in the world. I literally hate more than anything being so EXHAUSTED and the mental fatigue I am plagued with that causes me physical mental pain everyday, the only time it stops is when I'm distracted by food or video games. I hate that as humans we're never satisfied and always need MORE, it's constant suffering with temporary moments of relief.
Last edited:
