When I was a hikikomori at age 16-18 I thought life was hell. Playing video game, lurking and masturbating all day long, every day, or more precisely every night because I slept during most of the day. It was horrible. But I miss those times now, you see what I'm getting at? I miss what I previously thought was hell. At least I didn't have to work 9-18 every fucking day, and add 2.5 hours of preparation and commuting, so that's a grand total of over 12 hours each day where I hate every single second I'm alive. When I was hikikomori, I didn't have to deal with normies. I didn't have to deal with traffic. I didn't have to deal with work and with this miserable robot existence that saps me of any strength.
I just can't deal with this shit anymore. And it's going to get worse. At least now I still have a family, they may be disappointed in me, a 30+ years old piece of shit like me. I am utterly lazy by default, the depression just makes me too lazy to even eat sometimes, I'd rather spend lunchbreak in my car, leaning back on the driver seat with my eyes closed than walk all the way to the restaurant, order, pay, deal with all of this fucktarded corona bullshit; I literally suffer less being hungry all day that doing that. So I just set up an alarm and doze off while sitting in my car. How pathetic is that?
Also... What am I going to do when my parents get too old to take care of me? I can imagine working my 12 hours of daily pain and then coming home to an empty house, having to cook, do laundry, clean the house, pay the bills, fix my car; all of this shit on top of my 12 hours of daily pain, utterly alone, in my fourties. I couldn't take it.
Sometimes I think that if i had a gf or friends things could get better. But I'm too broken at this point, too alienated from the typical normies, nobody is like me. All of my years of hikkidom made me dysfunctional, I can't relate to anyone, and even that it's getting worse, normies just annoy me now, and I hate them by default, can't make friends either, and the few friends I still have are just on another planet compared to me, on top of not having time to spend with me due to their busy normie lives. I never liked being social but now I just fucking hate having to deal with that shit, I'm just not cut out for it. Here in Italy we do this shit called "aperitif" according to Google Translate, this is what normies do after work, a bunch of colleagues, some shitty overpriced restaurant or pub, shitty food, talking about work and talking shit about the bosses while sipping on alcoholic concoction, then everyone goes home and you get to see them again the next day at work. What a fucking miserable experience, made even more miserable by the Corona shit, I'd rather just rot away on my chair playing videogames that doing an "aperitif". Fuck. This. Shit.
Thankfully I got this bottle of highly pure SN waiting for me. One day I'll just go to work as usual, set up a delayed email to say FUCK YOU, BTW I JUST KILLED MYSELF to my boss and colleagues, get fired on purpose and then commit suicide in my car. I thought so many times about just jumping off the building from the 15th story but I wouldn't want to leave a bloody splat on the pavement as my public legacy. Suicide is a very private matter and I want to do in the comfort of my car, not publicly. Nobody will miss me, and several people will benefit from me being gone. I have literally no more reasons to stay.
I just can't deal with this shit anymore. And it's going to get worse. At least now I still have a family, they may be disappointed in me, a 30+ years old piece of shit like me. I am utterly lazy by default, the depression just makes me too lazy to even eat sometimes, I'd rather spend lunchbreak in my car, leaning back on the driver seat with my eyes closed than walk all the way to the restaurant, order, pay, deal with all of this fucktarded corona bullshit; I literally suffer less being hungry all day that doing that. So I just set up an alarm and doze off while sitting in my car. How pathetic is that?
Also... What am I going to do when my parents get too old to take care of me? I can imagine working my 12 hours of daily pain and then coming home to an empty house, having to cook, do laundry, clean the house, pay the bills, fix my car; all of this shit on top of my 12 hours of daily pain, utterly alone, in my fourties. I couldn't take it.
Sometimes I think that if i had a gf or friends things could get better. But I'm too broken at this point, too alienated from the typical normies, nobody is like me. All of my years of hikkidom made me dysfunctional, I can't relate to anyone, and even that it's getting worse, normies just annoy me now, and I hate them by default, can't make friends either, and the few friends I still have are just on another planet compared to me, on top of not having time to spend with me due to their busy normie lives. I never liked being social but now I just fucking hate having to deal with that shit, I'm just not cut out for it. Here in Italy we do this shit called "aperitif" according to Google Translate, this is what normies do after work, a bunch of colleagues, some shitty overpriced restaurant or pub, shitty food, talking about work and talking shit about the bosses while sipping on alcoholic concoction, then everyone goes home and you get to see them again the next day at work. What a fucking miserable experience, made even more miserable by the Corona shit, I'd rather just rot away on my chair playing videogames that doing an "aperitif". Fuck. This. Shit.
Thankfully I got this bottle of highly pure SN waiting for me. One day I'll just go to work as usual, set up a delayed email to say FUCK YOU, BTW I JUST KILLED MYSELF to my boss and colleagues, get fired on purpose and then commit suicide in my car. I thought so many times about just jumping off the building from the 15th story but I wouldn't want to leave a bloody splat on the pavement as my public legacy. Suicide is a very private matter and I want to do in the comfort of my car, not publicly. Nobody will miss me, and several people will benefit from me being gone. I have literally no more reasons to stay.
