It's getting worse.

[lemonbunny]

I woke up today genuinely wishing I didn't, immediately thinking about CTB the moment I opened my eyes. It's the first time that's happened to me. I mean, I hate getting out of bed in general but wishing i died in my sleep is new.

My younger self would be shocked at how bad things have suddenly become. I'm not diagnosed for anything, because most days I gaslight myself into thinking nothing's wrong with me, I'm just a lazy and incapable person who should have no trouble doing better. At the same time, I feel like I need to get "worse" to be valid - like I'm just being suicidal as an excuse to escape my responsibilities. So I've actively started considering methods and scouting places to do it. Still feel like a poser. Still feel fake and invalid.

Sorry this post is all over the place, just needed to vent a bit <3

 

[museumofthunder]

Hey, your feelings are totally valid. You're not a poser. They're real emotions, and you deserve care and attention. If you feel like something is wrong, then it deserves to be acknowleged. These are hard things to deal with-- and I think your younger self would be proud of you for persisting despite these challenges. Is there something in particular that's been making you feel this way? Any changes in your life?

 

[lemonbunny]

Hey, your feelings are totally valid. You're not a poser. They're real emotions, and you deserve care and attention. If you feel like something is wrong, then it deserves to be acknowleged. These are hard things to deal with-- and I think your younger self would be proud of you for persisting despite these challenges. Is there something in particular that's been making you feel this way? Any changes in your life?

im in college, completely lost in all my classes and was too terrified to secure an internship this summer so i just wallowed at home, disappointing my parents. i'm struggling with my weight and none of my friends like me. i guess i reflected on my life a lot these past months and realized i've only been pathetically coping and don't really have a place in society :(

but thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me. <3

 

[museumofthunder]

im in college, completely lost in all my classes and was too terrified to secure an internship this summer so i just wallowed at home, disappointing my parents. i'm struggling with my weight and none of my friends like me. i guess i reflected on my life a lot these past months and realized i've only been pathetically coping and don't really have a place in society :(

but thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me. <3

Hey, I've gone through similar things! I won't say I fully understand you because, while I'm absolutely trying my best, your pain + situation is unique, yknow? Only you know what it's like to be in your shoes. It sounds to me like you're doing better than you think you are. It also sounds like there could be things you could do to make things a little bit better.

I know you've said you're trying to make plans. But if you're still here, if it took you months to get to this point, you must be holding on for a reason. You're in college-- that's an achievement. Have you talked to professors about what you're struggling with? If you have friends, do you have maybe even one you could ask to hang out with? A hobby you can focus on for a bit? Anything you can do to take care of yourself would be a good idea here. You have a place here. You do, even if you don't see it just yet.

 

[Aloneisbestforme]

First I am sorry you feel this way, it must hurt.

and also your valid to feel the way you do all suffering is suffering no matter what the case is. just because there are people that went through extreme lives doesn't have to mean the people that have smaller problems can't feel the way they feel because people with more tougher lives said so/made it seem that way.

If you feel depress you feel depress and you have every right to vent that out and take whatever action you need to do.

best of wishes!

 

[OpalCheesecake]

Strongly suggest you look to get diagnosed and potentially get medicine/therapy if you've felt this way for so long. Also, recognize that mentally healthy people don't have thoughts of suicide at all (or very rarely), so if you're having constant thoughts about it then there's definitely a problem. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

You're a really strong person to have made it this far. Hope you get through it

 

[whywere]

That is one of the wonders of this site is that venting is a great way to let off thoughts, and finding out how lovely all the folks are here.

Heavens at the age of 67, I have had a lot of times where I wondered about myself, as far as should I be doing something better, faster, etc.

I came to the conclusion a long time ago, that everyone has their own thoughts, wishes and timetables for life. I did not go to college till I was 24 and I had a few folks wonder why now at eh age of 24, why did I not go to college at 18. like so many others did. SO, WHAT! I found my way and am very happy at least with my business life aspects.

You do NOT need to follow anyone but your heart and mind, NEVER. You are a bright, loving and kind spirit and never judge yourself against anything ever. You and only you should do what makes you not only happy but content.

I have seen way too many times through the decades where folks did, acted, achieved, whatever what the crowd did and/or followed the Crowd, only to be unhappy.

You are a BEAUTIFUL person, with so much to give yourself and never let anyone tell you differently nor think that you have to conform to anyone's expectations but your own.

Lots of love, hugs and the knowledge that you are a winner period.

Walter

 

[HighFlight]

While I have recently been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and adhd (among other things), I have spent the majority of my life gaslighting myself into thinking I was normal and OK. Even listening to the various stories in this forum, I still feel like a fraud.

But those years of denial have led to multiple physical issues that could only be attributed to "stress", including most recent a heart attack. It has also led to a major crash in my mental health, and has made everyday a struggle.

I share this to say that your feelings are valid and you should address them now. Don't keep gaslighting yourself. While it's ultimately your choice, I would look at ctb as the last resort.

Regardless of your choice, I hope you can find a path forward that gives you some peace.

 

[rainseahorse]

thinking of suicide can bring relief as it basically means you always have a second option. there are many college students in your situation of feeling incompetent and lost. maybe it would be a good idea to remind yourself of how far you've come -- just by staying in college so far means you're ahead of many. there's no need to constantly compare yourself to people on different paths around you, it matters more that you try to continue on your own path regardless of whether you get an internship or not. i'm curious -- what major are you studying? i feel like the mindset for internship grinding have been the most prominent in my major computer science, but maybe i'm wrong.

 

[lemonbunny]

your valid to feel the way you do all suffering is suffering no matter what the case is. just because there are people that went through extreme lives doesn't have to mean the people that have smaller problems can't feel the way they feel because people with more tougher lives said so/made it seem that way.

thank you so much for the reality check <3

Strongly suggest you look to get diagnosed and potentially get medicine/therapy if you've felt this way for so long. Also, recognize that mentally healthy people don't have thoughts of suicide at all (or very rarely), so if you're having constant thoughts about it then there's definitely a problem. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

man i hope so. i can't imagine not having suicidal thoughts at this point, so it's hard for me to think of them as abnormal. thank you for being very no-nonsense about it :3

You do NOT need to follow anyone but your heart and mind, NEVER. You are a bright, loving and kind spirit and never judge yourself against anything ever. You and only you should do what makes you not only happy but content.

You are a BEAUTIFUL person, with so much to give yourself and never let anyone tell you differently nor think that you have to conform to anyone's expectations but your own.

thank you so much walter your words make me very emotional! societal expectations are so hard to beat but you made me feel better about them. <3

I share this to say that your feelings are valid and you should address them now. Don't keep gaslighting yourself. While it's ultimately your choice, I would look at ctb as the last resort.

thank you, and i'm sorry you went through all of that. i guess it is a fair warning for me, just real hard to stop downplaying my feelings

thinking of suicide can bring relief as it basically means you always have a second option. there are many college students in your situation of feeling incompetent and lost. maybe it would be a good idea to remind yourself of how far you've come -- just by staying in college so far means you're ahead of many. there's no need to constantly compare yourself to people on different paths around you, it matters more that you try to continue on your own path regardless of whether you get an internship or not. i'm curious -- what major are you studying? i feel like the mindset for internship grinding have been the most prominent in my major computer science, but maybe i'm wrong.

it's a bit of a weird combined major that is 1/3 computer science, the other parts math/stats related. so yeah, the internship grinding is so real and i'm scared to touch it with a ten foot pole >.<