This is decently long. Sorry about it.
It's getting really hard lately. Ever since I can remember I had such a weird upbringing that I think it affected me in the way I connect with people. My parents divorced when I was young and even since they have done that they have been nothing but abusive towards each other and have shown that anger out on us. I feel sad that I'll never have a normal family. I never had a fatger figure in my life because he always said horrible stuff to my face and made me feel awful, along with his girlfriend who they used to call me a loner, loser and that nobody would ever like me and other horrible names and profanities and plenty more. I grew to believe those words and they began to affect the shy little boy who would begin to develop anxiety and depression from all this.
My mother took a great affect on all this. I always wanted a stereotypical mother figure. But I never got that. She was angry. Maybe broken? I don't know. I always want to give the benefit of the doubt. But she hurt me and she made me feel horrible. She was not a good mother and she was not nice to me or my siblings. She screamed obscenities at us and threatened to drive off into a peer and drive off and insinuating killing herself. I just want parents who love me for who I am. I don't want this. I feel so disappointing and just want to be loved and felt appreciated.
And then school and everything is so sad. I was never popular, was always left aside and while I may not have been the brunt of bullying and such, I heard plenty of things being said about me because I'm gay and my shyness. I made 2 good friends who I love very much but I don't think their love and support was good enough to ever lift me up from the state I was ever in. I have always felt so left out and ignored and when I kill myself people will act like they didn't.
And all through those years of school. my 2 best friends stuck by me. We were so close and yet when we went off to college I obviously wasn't with them anymore. My whole life became about building myself up and making myself someone who I wanted to be. I created amazing friendships and had such a fun year, yet COVID19 hit and everything went sideways. My mental health went down. My mood swings became so extreme that it started to affect the friends around me. I would go from manic to super suicidal and I took it out on them.
I feel bad about it all. I lost lots of good friends but maybe it's not all my fault? I don't know. I just wish everything was better. I no longer feel any sort of emotional connection between me and anyone anymore and I feel like a shell. The past 2 years I have felt nothing and I want it to end. I'm tired.
I just wish I had a different life. I wanna wake up in a different setting and completely different person. But I never do. I'm so tired. I want it sll to end. I'm waiting for my SN to come and prayi that it gets through custody. Otherwise I'll have to go through with hanging myself or some other method that leaves potential for life reducing injuries.
Also the fact that I'm gay and that it makes this ten times worse. I feel so unworthy and useless and dirty. I feel OK with being gay but… I don't know. I feel like there's some deep unhidden hatred about me being gay that I haven't explored yet. I hate expressing any desire I have and the feelings I feel towards guys. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed and wonder why I ended up like this?
Thank you for reading.
It's getting really hard lately. Ever since I can remember I had such a weird upbringing that I think it affected me in the way I connect with people. My parents divorced when I was young and even since they have done that they have been nothing but abusive towards each other and have shown that anger out on us. I feel sad that I'll never have a normal family. I never had a fatger figure in my life because he always said horrible stuff to my face and made me feel awful, along with his girlfriend who they used to call me a loner, loser and that nobody would ever like me and other horrible names and profanities and plenty more. I grew to believe those words and they began to affect the shy little boy who would begin to develop anxiety and depression from all this.
My mother took a great affect on all this. I always wanted a stereotypical mother figure. But I never got that. She was angry. Maybe broken? I don't know. I always want to give the benefit of the doubt. But she hurt me and she made me feel horrible. She was not a good mother and she was not nice to me or my siblings. She screamed obscenities at us and threatened to drive off into a peer and drive off and insinuating killing herself. I just want parents who love me for who I am. I don't want this. I feel so disappointing and just want to be loved and felt appreciated.
And then school and everything is so sad. I was never popular, was always left aside and while I may not have been the brunt of bullying and such, I heard plenty of things being said about me because I'm gay and my shyness. I made 2 good friends who I love very much but I don't think their love and support was good enough to ever lift me up from the state I was ever in. I have always felt so left out and ignored and when I kill myself people will act like they didn't.
And all through those years of school. my 2 best friends stuck by me. We were so close and yet when we went off to college I obviously wasn't with them anymore. My whole life became about building myself up and making myself someone who I wanted to be. I created amazing friendships and had such a fun year, yet COVID19 hit and everything went sideways. My mental health went down. My mood swings became so extreme that it started to affect the friends around me. I would go from manic to super suicidal and I took it out on them.
I feel bad about it all. I lost lots of good friends but maybe it's not all my fault? I don't know. I just wish everything was better. I no longer feel any sort of emotional connection between me and anyone anymore and I feel like a shell. The past 2 years I have felt nothing and I want it to end. I'm tired.
I just wish I had a different life. I wanna wake up in a different setting and completely different person. But I never do. I'm so tired. I want it sll to end. I'm waiting for my SN to come and prayi that it gets through custody. Otherwise I'll have to go through with hanging myself or some other method that leaves potential for life reducing injuries.
Also the fact that I'm gay and that it makes this ten times worse. I feel so unworthy and useless and dirty. I feel OK with being gay but… I don't know. I feel like there's some deep unhidden hatred about me being gay that I haven't explored yet. I hate expressing any desire I have and the feelings I feel towards guys. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed and wonder why I ended up like this?
Thank you for reading.
