It's getting harder

[SoftWorries]

I have always lived within a delusion that all I have to do is speak up about my needs and others would bring goodness into my life. This has been a constant for my entire life growing up in a very abusive home.

It's been the one sense of control I've ever had. That perhaps I don't share my needs because I'm shy, or I'm looking for the right time, or it isn't so bad so I won't right now, or any other numbers of half formed reasons to never speak up for myself. This served me all my life because no matter how terrible the situation I felt equal control by the 'knowledge' that it would suddenly stop and improve the moment I found the courage to say something.

I felt all I needed to do was tell my abusers to stop abusing me. To say that I was lonely to get the love I needed. To ask for an apology to hear one. To ask for extra love and receive it.

I'm sure you all know life is not like this. At least mine isn't. I pay many times over for talking about what I need or what hurts. I pay many times over for the amount of pain I feel when the delusion cracks and I'm suddenly alone powerless in the world.

It reminds me of when I smacked a spider that was biting me and my father was irate because he said "if you kill a spider it will rain" and that I would ruin his soccer game. I was better off being bitten.

But now I'm feeling the benzo slowly bring me back to a numbed state where I can forget about my needs for a while longer. Where I can get whatever is missing if only I could ask for it. If only I had the courage to ask I would receive.

If only if only.

Thanks for reading. It really helps to write on here.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @SoftWorries,
Though it's rare, you might get unconditional love
Which has fallen off the back of lorries.
I think that's what you've been deprived of.

People may tell you to stop making a plea
And to face reality.
But is your delusion really bad?
I'm curious; I feel like you are my comrade.

Sorry to be a weirdo, and I'm just a stranger on the internet, I would like to say you're not alone, especially on this forum.
On this forum, I've asked people to give me their love, in an indirect way. I try to show them love by composing poems dedicated to them - I incorporate their username into it.
This might not considered to be simple "asking" but I think it's a request for their love anyway. Sometimes I feel like I'm just an attention seeker, because I have some sense of control because of it, like you.

I might be trying to steal their love.

It reminds me of when I smacked a spider that was biting me and my father was irate because he said "if you kill a spider it will rain" and that I would ruin his soccer game. I was better off being bitten.

I'm so sorry to hear your experience - nobody deserves treatment like this I think.

I'm glad because you're on the Recovery section, and I hope your days will be a bit less unbearable

 

[SoftWorries]

Hello @SoftWorries,
Though it's rare, you might get unconditional love
Which has fallen off the back of lorries.
I think that's what you've been deprived of.

People may tell you to stop making a plea
And to face reality.
But is your delusion really bad?
I'm curious; I feel like you are my comrade.

Sorry to be a weirdo, and I'm just a stranger on the internet, I would like to say you're not alone, especially on this forum.
On this forum, I've asked people to give me their love, in an indirect way. I try to show them love by composing poems dedicated to them - I incorporate their username into it.
This might not considered to be simple "asking" but I think it's a request for their love anyway. Sometimes I feel like I'm just an attention seeker, because I have some sense of control because of it, like you.

I might be trying to steal their love.


I'm so sorry to hear your experience - nobody deserves treatment like this I think.

I'm glad because you're on the Recovery section, and I hope your days will be a bit less unbearable

That's a very kind response. I wrote that post on here because Sasu is where I feel others want to hear and understand how the other are feeling and see the world. No matter how half formed the idea is.

What you said is what I've felt too all this time. That I was an attention seeker. That I was an emotional vampire. That I was any number of different things. And for these things I took responsibility.

I tell myself, "you want this in some way," no matter what it is. No matter how mentally/physically/spiritually torturous.

When I was seeing a psychiatrist he said I was seeking out things that would harm me. I took this to heart that I was at fault so I needed to change instead of insisting on others to treat me well.

But that psychiatrist was ignoring that:

Little children don't choose to be abused by their parents. And that abuse feels like love since there's nothing else to compare it to

I didn't choose to be witness to a violent death while I was working. I was just trying to make a life for myself

I recently read the book My Dark Vanessa where a teen girl is convinced by her elderly teacher that she is a seductress come to ruin his life. She takes on the role and it becomes her reality.

Later in the book her therapist tells her, "you weren't looking for that. You were just trying to go to school."

I wasn't looking for abuse. I was just trying to love my family. I was trying to work in a happy job. Every moment of my life I've been trying. But I was convinced by my abusers that I was a player in their game. Two to tango and all that.

But now it's been two years and two months since I put a full stop on all of the abuse. I got a restraining order. I changed my numbers. I moved.

And I've never once craved that drama again. With distance I've pursued only good things. I've shut out a lot of opportunities even to keep myself safe.

It makes me think of the poem Call Me by My True Names
by Thich Nhat Hanh

In it there's a line:

"I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea
pirate,
and I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and
loving."

I've always accepted this duality of human nature. I've always taken my responsibility in it. Today I'm thinking of the girl in the poem who throws herself in the sea in an act of self preservation. Had she grown older would she have become like me? Convinced by the pirate that the abuse and blindness was what love was?

I think she might have been. I've lived my life as the pirate's wife. But I no longer want to take that responsibility. I don't want to hold Bluebeard's keys. I want to be free from the responsibility put upon me by people. Who morph me into a coconspirator in my own destruction. I want freedom.

Because the alternative is killing me.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

That's a very kind response. I wrote that post on here because Sasu is where I feel others want to hear and understand how the other are feeling and see the world. No matter how half formed the idea is.

Thanks so much for your kind reply - please know that you are helping me, too.
But at the same time I'm so sad to hear what you've endured so long.

When I was seeing a psychiatrist he said I was seeking out things that would harm me. I took this to heart that I was at fault so I needed to change instead of insisting on others to treat me well.

Language matters - I don't know whether he was well intentioned or annoyed with you, but I think he could have said, "You might have to spot abusive people and avoid them, but what you've endured is never your fault. Nobody deserve that."

And you might have to find who really loves you, but I think it's extremely hard.
8 years ago I had a boyfriend who is very intelligent, both intellectually and emotionally, but he eventually dumped me in favor of another woman, who is much more successful than me. I think it was a very disrespecting way of ditching his girlfriend but I no longer care about him because I think true love is rare and I can't expect it from anybody.
It's a kind of the life's jackpot I guess.

I have a friend who is truly caring and I met her in... a psych ward.
I tried self-poisoning over and over, in an attempt to CTB, and went out of control.
Then my doctor recommended inpatient treatment and I agreed. I simply didn't know what to do else.
I was extremely lucky - I entered the ward without any hope and came out with one of my best friend.
And my case is a sheer luck - it wasn't the fruit of my hard work.

It makes me think of the poem Call Me by My True Names
by Thich Nhat Hanh

In it there's a line:

"I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea
pirate,
and I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and
loving."

I've always accepted this duality of human nature. I've always taken my responsibility in it. Today I'm thinking of the girl in the poem who throws herself in the sea in an act of self preservation. Had she grown older would she have become like me? Convinced by the pirate that the abuse and blindness was what love was?

I think she might have been. I've lived my life as the pirate's wife. But I no longer want to take that responsibility. I don't want to hold Bluebeard's keys. I want to be free from the responsibility put upon me by people. Who morph me into a coconspirator in my own destruction. I want freedom.

Because the alternative is killing me.

" Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and laughter at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one. "

I hope you will find a person who call you by your true name,
a person who can share joy and pain with you

Thanks for reading
Do you mind if I send you a PM?

 

[SoftWorries]

Thanks so much for your kind reply - please know that you are helping me, too.
But at the same time I'm so sad to hear what you've endured so long.


Language matters - I don't know whether he was well intentioned or annoyed with you, but I think he could have said, "You might have to spot abusive people and avoid them, but what you've endured is never your fault. Nobody deserve that."

And you might have to find who really loves you, but I think it's extremely hard.
8 years ago I had a boyfriend who is very intelligent, both intellectually and emotionally, but he eventually dumped me in favor of another woman, who is much more successful than me. I think it was a very disrespecting way of ditching his girlfriend but I no longer care about him because I think true love is rare and I can't expect it from anybody.
It's a kind of the life's jackpot I guess.

I have a friend who is truly caring and I met her in... a psych ward.
I tried self-poisoning over and over, in an attempt to CTB, and went out of control.
Then my doctor recommended inpatient treatment and I agreed. I simply didn't know what to do else.
I was extremely lucky - I entered the ward without any hope and came out with one of my best friend.
And my case is a sheer luck - it wasn't the fruit of my hard work.


" Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and laughter at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one. "

I hope you will find a person who call you by your true name,
a person who can share joy and pain with you

Thanks for reading
Do you mind if I send you a PM?

I would love if you PMed me

Your messages were so helpful today. I'm feeling much more solid now. I'm very happy that you found someone who understands you and cares.

Talk to you soon!