This is my first thread here. I'm an active member in the antinatalist and pessimism subreddits, and I wanted another place where I could also write and read about life, coping, relations with other people, etc. This forum seems like a forbidden place, taboo, perfect for expressing my real opinions.
In short: I don't know how much I could really sustain it, or if I even want to sustain this life. I'm of the opinion that once you are born you're condemned, and you always kill yourself too late. Also, suicide leaves a mark after you're gone, friends and family impacted by your loss. It's a harsh situation. There's no good ending. It's a constant evaluation and my fear of gruesome death is truly an impediment.
My major contradiction is with the structure of life itself: when you try to detach from the motions, you see most social interactions, work, studies, problems, are meaningless forms of suffering in hope of a better future. I'm certain that future will not come. Things are escalating quicker than I could've ever thought. Not only that, but I just can't get myself to wage slave for 40 years. I had real stress and anxiety issues just working 6 months. People are assholes, they push you down constantly, and you don't know why are you doing the useless stuff you do in order to survive. Society can throw me in the streets like a dog and think it's doing fine.
There's no drug, no cure, no routine, no religion that could help me. I'm beyond becoming another sheep. I don't want to become a cog in a meaningless machine, and I don't want to participate in a society made by narcissists for narcissists. Family means almost nothing, but enough to fear hurting them with my departure. I can't stand living with them anymore, their conversations, opinions, criticism, requests are meaningless to me and only hurt. To add salt to the wound my parents always act offended, angry, like it's never enough, and I don't care because they owe me everything after birthing me into such a sick society. My sisters say I'm an idiot, and treat my existential dread as a teenage phase even when I'm 23. I can't live alone, even if I worked like an ass I wouldn't be able to get enough money. I recluse myself in my bedroom like many here do, because it's the only place where I can be at peace for some time and get my life somewhat under control. Going outside it means again having to tolerate my family.
I'm trapped, and I don't know how I'm going to keep progressing in my life when I don't even care about these goals like marrying (I'm alone, a virgin at 23, never kissed anyone, I just don't appear as a candidate), working (wage slavery is my number 1 fear), studying (it seems pointless, directed towards mere theory or teaching the next generation of wage slaves), having children (I'm totally anti-natalist and I despise the day my parents decided to have IVF instead of adopting a child in need). I feel pointless and privileged even though I hate my life. My autopilot is running out, my patience is running out. I'm really bordering a panic attack or bursting out in a rage towards anyone. I'm repressing a lot of hate for the world and I don't know what to do or what alternative I have. I'm a coward and useless so I can't go to any sort of commune. My abilities are purely intellectual and even then doubtfully necessary outside niche activities (I'm studying a degree in humanities).
It really is hard. The suicidal part of me is telling me "fuck them all, free yourself, fuck this reality, leave a statement against the status quo and life", but I can't manage to do it. I don't know if it's a better answer than coping until death gets me (hopefully soon). I'm a pro-mortalist but not an actively suicidal person, I never had any attempts. I only accept the idea as a possibility.
Secretly I'd have wanted to have a family that didn't care for me, so I could kill myself easier. My friends are good people, but innocent, and as such hurting them like that becomes torturous to even think about. They would be surprised, and they would be depressed. Our own attachments hold us here, and it's so frustrating knowing one doesn't have really nothing under control, even my desires, my willpower, my discipline, are not adjustable. I cannot get myself to focus, depression is killing my memory, attention span, and motivation to do anything. I've travelled to some countries, I've done some good things, but nothing gave me any enthusiasm. My best times were in front of a screen, listening to music, playing some game, or reading a good book. Alienating myself from this hell we call reality, escaping bullying, deadlines, anxieties, stress. But it only gets me so far, reality finally catches up. I wished I could've been born at least when full-dive VR becomes a thing and I could pass my entire life out of these pesky preoccupations like "how can I survive in the future"... We're so primitive.
Sorry for the long rant. I don't know how to cope. Writing helps a little.
In short: I don't know how much I could really sustain it, or if I even want to sustain this life. I'm of the opinion that once you are born you're condemned, and you always kill yourself too late. Also, suicide leaves a mark after you're gone, friends and family impacted by your loss. It's a harsh situation. There's no good ending. It's a constant evaluation and my fear of gruesome death is truly an impediment.
My major contradiction is with the structure of life itself: when you try to detach from the motions, you see most social interactions, work, studies, problems, are meaningless forms of suffering in hope of a better future. I'm certain that future will not come. Things are escalating quicker than I could've ever thought. Not only that, but I just can't get myself to wage slave for 40 years. I had real stress and anxiety issues just working 6 months. People are assholes, they push you down constantly, and you don't know why are you doing the useless stuff you do in order to survive. Society can throw me in the streets like a dog and think it's doing fine.
There's no drug, no cure, no routine, no religion that could help me. I'm beyond becoming another sheep. I don't want to become a cog in a meaningless machine, and I don't want to participate in a society made by narcissists for narcissists. Family means almost nothing, but enough to fear hurting them with my departure. I can't stand living with them anymore, their conversations, opinions, criticism, requests are meaningless to me and only hurt. To add salt to the wound my parents always act offended, angry, like it's never enough, and I don't care because they owe me everything after birthing me into such a sick society. My sisters say I'm an idiot, and treat my existential dread as a teenage phase even when I'm 23. I can't live alone, even if I worked like an ass I wouldn't be able to get enough money. I recluse myself in my bedroom like many here do, because it's the only place where I can be at peace for some time and get my life somewhat under control. Going outside it means again having to tolerate my family.
I'm trapped, and I don't know how I'm going to keep progressing in my life when I don't even care about these goals like marrying (I'm alone, a virgin at 23, never kissed anyone, I just don't appear as a candidate), working (wage slavery is my number 1 fear), studying (it seems pointless, directed towards mere theory or teaching the next generation of wage slaves), having children (I'm totally anti-natalist and I despise the day my parents decided to have IVF instead of adopting a child in need). I feel pointless and privileged even though I hate my life. My autopilot is running out, my patience is running out. I'm really bordering a panic attack or bursting out in a rage towards anyone. I'm repressing a lot of hate for the world and I don't know what to do or what alternative I have. I'm a coward and useless so I can't go to any sort of commune. My abilities are purely intellectual and even then doubtfully necessary outside niche activities (I'm studying a degree in humanities).
It really is hard. The suicidal part of me is telling me "fuck them all, free yourself, fuck this reality, leave a statement against the status quo and life", but I can't manage to do it. I don't know if it's a better answer than coping until death gets me (hopefully soon). I'm a pro-mortalist but not an actively suicidal person, I never had any attempts. I only accept the idea as a possibility.
Secretly I'd have wanted to have a family that didn't care for me, so I could kill myself easier. My friends are good people, but innocent, and as such hurting them like that becomes torturous to even think about. They would be surprised, and they would be depressed. Our own attachments hold us here, and it's so frustrating knowing one doesn't have really nothing under control, even my desires, my willpower, my discipline, are not adjustable. I cannot get myself to focus, depression is killing my memory, attention span, and motivation to do anything. I've travelled to some countries, I've done some good things, but nothing gave me any enthusiasm. My best times were in front of a screen, listening to music, playing some game, or reading a good book. Alienating myself from this hell we call reality, escaping bullying, deadlines, anxieties, stress. But it only gets me so far, reality finally catches up. I wished I could've been born at least when full-dive VR becomes a thing and I could pass my entire life out of these pesky preoccupations like "how can I survive in the future"... We're so primitive.
Sorry for the long rant. I don't know how to cope. Writing helps a little.
