Venting its easier to blame myself than to try to understand why people are so cruel

[vultureilse]

my self hatred is so deeply ingrained in me because since i was a kid ive been taught that im a worthless subhuman undeserving of love and basic human respect by everyone around me. half of my suffering has been caused by people who i was supposed to trust and rely on, who were supposed to love and take care of me, when i was a kid too weak to be able to defend myself in any way

maybe if i was born different i could live a normal life. i dont know what was wrong with me, i dont know what made me deserve all of this, but if everybody thinks this way then i mustve been the problem. and even if i didnt deserve all that suffering before, i certainly do now, ive become an awful person

i dont like other people but i hate myself the most. i think it was all my fault from the beginning. i dont understand how people can hurt others like this

 

[Friend_A]

idk you but i don't think you are awful

 

[Destiny Calls Me]

You are not alone. This reminds me of myself. I sleep a lot because it minimizes the time Im conscious of my self hatred and self disgust. I had trust issues but continued to give people the benefit of the doubt, thats how much love I used to have. Now the walls I put up are like a nuclear missle silo. Impenetrable.

I believe those with depression/suicidal thoughts can be the most sympathetic and empathetic people around. Causation of others tend to leave us feeling the worst.

 

[Pluto]

The reason we blame ourselves is that we naturally trust our carers in childhood, to the extent of being brainwashed into agreeing with them when they treat us as inferior or unworthy. 40 years later and I'm still struggling to discern fact from fiction.

 

[asterisk3]

my self hatred is so deeply ingrained in me because since i was a kid ive been taught that im a worthless subhuman undeserving of love and basic human respect by everyone around me. half of my suffering has been caused by people who i was supposed to trust and rely on, who were supposed to love and take care of me, when i was a kid too weak to be able to defend myself in any way

maybe if i was born different i could live a normal life. i dont know what was wrong with me, i dont know what made me deserve all of this, but if everybody thinks this way then i mustve been the problem. and even if i didnt deserve all that suffering before, i certainly do now, ive become an awful person

i dont like other people but i hate myself the most. i think it was all my fault from the beginning. i dont understand how people can hurt others like this

We've internalized all the hate as a way to cope with and... understand the world I guess? I'm unfortunately the same... every day is a living hell for me. It never goes away, only when I'm surrounded by others who make me feel safe. Never had a safe space. World is a terrifying place, our minds are twisted on top of that.

I don't think we should hate ourselves at all, rationally speaking. But breaking apart that ingrained pain and hating others (your caretakers), everybody else, or maybe even human behaviour (and therefore humans) for the way you were treated instead is also... not helpful, since I feel like we're left with nothing to work with in the world. Especially if we're lonely or alone, as is my case in specific. But it might be better to understand all of that and take the weight off your shoulders.

Don't know if any of this resonates, but it's my 2 cents

 

[botanormal]

It's so much easier for us to just accept the fact that we were just "bad" or "deserved it", than to really try and comprehend how another human could be capable of doing such terrible things. Looking at it from an outsiders perspective, the things my abusers did to me were horrible & it was their actions that were disgusting. But to accept that our caregivers, or the people closest to us, could be capable of something so horrific, goes against our evolutionary instincts to trust our caregivers. Especially if you experience your trauma as a child - who is defenceless & incapable of caring for oneself - if you were to blame your caregivers at the time, then you would have nobody to take care of you, and that goes against what our brains need to believe for survival. It's a really difficult thing to stop blaming yourself, because it's like a built-in trauma response. But for the record, it really isn't your fault at all, and my love goes towards you. I really hope you're able to heal somewhat, even if it's just a little. Big hugs.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like the other people are the problem in that case, it's terrible how humans can create so much harm and inflict so much suffering onto others. I do believe that humans are simply responsible for so much of the torment that sadly exists here, no wonder so many people wish to die when other people just make this world a more hellish place to exist in.

 

[jamie_]

Spent far too long trying to understand as well. I always end up with the same conclusion that, aside from (but related to) narcissism, the biggest root cause of inflicting pain on others is just a fundamental lack of empathy. I can't remember where I read it but apparently it is easier to forgive someone who's wronged you than someone you've wronged. It's why we, the ones in pain, are often the only party to apologise. People can break you and we'll turn around, say sorry, and beg for their forgiveness. It makes me sad because I know it has to do with deep rooted shame that people are so desperate to not to believe exists in themselves that they'd rather make someone else believe that they are the ones that should instead. Deflection, projection, whatever. In panic, they will make you hate yourself and then proceed to avoid you. I think people you trusted, loved, etc. eventually avoid you when they did you wrong. They avoid you because they can't bear the chance that you may end up becoming a mirror that reveals to them an ugly truth about themselves. They'd rather say their piece, leave, and then live in their denial before the possibility of being communicated otherwise. And yet knowing all this does nothing. It doesn't help the pain they caused. It just makes me become more isolated and do exactly the same as below.

I sleep a lot because it minimizes the time Im conscious of my self hatred and self disgust. I had trust issues but continued to give people the benefit of the doubt, thats how much love I used to have. Now the walls I put up are like a nuclear missle silo.