I haven't been active in a long time.
About two years ago, I was hellbent on using whatever would work to ctb. I tried SN, Isoflourane gas, a belt, and various other concoctions. I didn't care who I would hurt by passing. I was so tired of the aching constantly and I was right, it still hasn't gone away that aching. But by forcibly surrounding myself with others I seemed to distract myself from it. I'd even get my manic episodes where I was determined to finish my doctorate and make a great life for myself. I mean I'm only 22, I got places to go. At least that's what I tell myself.
Lately that aching has been a lot harder to ignore. While I may be distracted sometimes, the days off of work or not socializing where I'm alone with my thoughts are getting harder. They aching I feel every now and then is becoming more frequent and stronger. Today I felt that hell bent determination to find away out, not caring who I hurtOnce I forced myself to leave my thoughts and drive around with some music, I started to level a little bit, hence writing this.
I don't know what I want anymore existence wise. What I do know is that it's creeping back up on me now and I don't know how much longer it will take for me to be back at the bus stop.
I'd like to know if anyone else had experienced this and how they delt with it. It feels like what I want and how to fix this feeling (via death or recovery) is all knotted up in my head and I don't know how to unravel it.
Thank you.
About two years ago, I was hellbent on using whatever would work to ctb. I tried SN, Isoflourane gas, a belt, and various other concoctions. I didn't care who I would hurt by passing. I was so tired of the aching constantly and I was right, it still hasn't gone away that aching. But by forcibly surrounding myself with others I seemed to distract myself from it. I'd even get my manic episodes where I was determined to finish my doctorate and make a great life for myself. I mean I'm only 22, I got places to go. At least that's what I tell myself.
Lately that aching has been a lot harder to ignore. While I may be distracted sometimes, the days off of work or not socializing where I'm alone with my thoughts are getting harder. They aching I feel every now and then is becoming more frequent and stronger. Today I felt that hell bent determination to find away out, not caring who I hurtOnce I forced myself to leave my thoughts and drive around with some music, I started to level a little bit, hence writing this.
I don't know what I want anymore existence wise. What I do know is that it's creeping back up on me now and I don't know how much longer it will take for me to be back at the bus stop.
I'd like to know if anyone else had experienced this and how they delt with it. It feels like what I want and how to fix this feeling (via death or recovery) is all knotted up in my head and I don't know how to unravel it.
Thank you.
