It’s crazy how much u can truly want death, long for death, love the thought of death, imagine death .. but ..

[cscott]

Actually just surrendering fully into the action can be so fearful as u know it's the last nail in the coffin & it's just over..

The fear of feeling whatever ur method may be even though u feel sheer and utter pain everyday from living anyway so what's the point of fearing the death part..

It's crazy how the freedom of death also plays out in terms of me feeling trapped & scared ..

I can't wait to be dead & to be gone from existence forever.. sometimes I just long to rip my actual skin off like it's a suit that I've been waiting to pull off my whole life.

It's fucking crazy how u know without a goddamit doubt that death is the only and up most sane way for you to get out but yet still something just still cries out as if you wanna stay .. as if your not aware ur in a never ending loop that it's time to leave

This is sheer and utter madness but it's also the greatest sanity I've ever had. Death is the ultimate beginning to me. The true essence of where it all starts. The eternal void & I can't wait to return home

 

[riamu]

ah yes, the bastard that is the survival instinct. you can spend hours planning and picturing your death but when the time comes suddenly caveman brain kicks in and tells you that you must stay alive no matter what. i hate that guy lol

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd be looking forward to being gone, in my case it comforts me so much the thought of not existing for all eternity. I hate how it's so unnecessarily difficult to cease existing despite this, it's like the survival instinct just exists to prolong suffering.

 

[SmollMushroom]

Yes SI are in every living being, they are there to prevent spiecies from extinction. Without them, we probably wouldn't be here let's be real. Human race would have gone extinct by a long time.
That's why I'm looking for a very particular way to ctb, where you get unconscious quickly and not have to think about it too long. I wouldn't be able to force myself jumping out of a window or smthing. But I respect whoever manage to do that.

 

[cscott]

ah yes, the bastard that is the survival instinct. you can spend hours planning and picturing your death but when the time comes suddenly caveman brain kicks in and tells you that you must stay alive no matter what. i hate that guy lol

I swear it's ac sickening though the duality of it is literally sickening .. like I long to kill this cave man once and for all

 

[unfixable]

Survival instinct has perpetually cockblocked me from ending my pain. It makes absolutely no logical sense whatsoever, the amount of pain I have already gone through and the pain I stand to go through by continuing to live far exceeds what is involved in CTB, but it hasn't seemed to matter up to this point. It is a mental block in my head that I am desperate to overcome. I know I will never find peace until I have.

 

[cscott]

Survival instinct has perpetually cockblocked me from ending my pain. It makes absolutely no logical sense whatsoever, the amount of pain I have already gone through and the pain I stand to go through by continuing to live far exceeds what is involved in CTB, but it hasn't seemed to matter up to this point. It is a mental block in my head that I am desperate to overcome. I know I will never find peace until I have.

I swear this is the utter madness for me how like truly how can you experience pain beyond belief but still there is such a strong si enough to stop u from just freeing urself in a heartbeat.

It's mind blowing to me.. like it's honestly mind blowing I think about this a lot .. what could possibly have me fear just surrendering in whatever way I go considering the pain I feel from living is 10x worse. It makes no sense. This life is truly backwards as is everything else in this world.

But eventually the pain wil subside the si. By force it has to cause nothing can last forever especially not in this decaying realm

 

[unfixable]

I swear this is the utter madness for me how like truly how can you experience pain beyond belief but still there is such a strong si enough to stop u from just freeing urself in a heartbeat.

It's mind blowing to me.. like it's honestly mind blowing I think about this a lot .. what could possibly have me fear just surrendering in whatever way I go considering the pain I feel from living is 10x worse. It makes no sense. This life is truly backwards as is everything else in this world.

But eventually the pain wil subside the si. By force it has to cause nothing can last forever especially not in this decaying realm

I am so afraid of fucking up and my life getting worse that I am in an endless negotiation with my SI residing in my head, trying to satisfy it's unreasonable demands for certainty of death to the point of overkill. Anyone else with the same means provided to me could have gone many times over. I wish I had their courage, I hope to learn about other's experiences here and find the source of that courage; to find what I am missing.

 

[haibane]

SI is like having a pro life controlling me everytime i try to do it

 

[cscott]

SI is like having a pro life controlling me everytime i try to do it

Lmao perfect analogy. It practically is that. The part of u that is pro life survival at its finest. Even if I'm suffering (ego) I will survive instead of realising the greatest prise is surrending and ac letting go.

this si to me is just the biggest ego that will not let it's self surrender. Thinking it's strong it can survive not wanting to show its weaknes that death has defeated it from within and now as so without.

It will fight to show it still has life even tho u know deep down u are a empty fucking shell and this ain't life no more.. still wanting to live an expired dream. Can't accept the harsh truth that this shit is over! So let it go

 

[haibane]

Lmao perfect analogy. It practically is that. The part of u that is pro life survival at its finest. Even if I'm suffering (ego) I will survive instead of realising the greatest prise is surrending and ac letting go.

this si to me is just the biggest ego that will not let it's self surrender. Thinking it's strong it can survive not wanting to show its weaknes that death has defeated it from within and now as so without.

It will fight to show it still has life even tho u know deep down u are a empty fucking shell and this ain't life no more.. still wanting to live an expired dream. Can't accept the harsh truth that this shit is over! So let it go

Tbh i dont have any hope about my life at this point.
Its just a question of time and i know it, but i do feel bad about letting my mom alone, thats mostly why im still here

 

[cscott]

Tbh i dont have any hope about my life at this point.
Its just a question of time and i know it, but i do feel bad about letting my mom alone, thats mostly why im still here

Me neither that's the true end when all hope is lost. I hope u do what's best for u in end