kilowatt
A gun is the greatest negociator
- Sep 9, 2023
- 323
I don't know why I'm writing this since no one I ever came across on here stuck out enough to remember me, but I like having my thoughts put out there for once
In the past few months I've been pretty disconnected from this forum and media of this kind. Not necessarily because I was doing better, but because I've been distracted. I can say my views are nowhere as strong as they used to be because I didn't have enough time to focus on them. The past year has been the most miserable and agonizing of my entire life, and I'm aware it'll only get worse. I have no hope and expectations for the future yet I keep making changes hoping I'll be able to pull through a little more until I'm stable enough to die alone and peacefully. However, for the first time ever I do not wish to get worse. This is all I did up until now and the consequences are hitting harder than I planned. I am failing professionally very rapidly and my body is in more discomfort than ever. These things I know I can't improve or get through on my own because I'm both a pussy and powerless. People have been starting to notice unusually often but in the end no one cares past 5 minutes at a time. I'd like to think I, at least, have my partner, but even to her I'm a big responsibility and easily replaceable. I don't like to force her into changing that either, so I just go with the flow.
I wish I was at the age when it was still easy to make friends. I actually do miss and crave social interactions a lot. I wish I had someone to hang out with instead of rot in my bed. But I came to the conclusion I am the problem and I will forever be, no matter what space and time. Maybe I am so bad as a person I do not actually deserve someone that could share the same interests and attitude as me. Maybe it's meant to be me and my pills forever.
In the past few months I've been pretty disconnected from this forum and media of this kind. Not necessarily because I was doing better, but because I've been distracted. I can say my views are nowhere as strong as they used to be because I didn't have enough time to focus on them. The past year has been the most miserable and agonizing of my entire life, and I'm aware it'll only get worse. I have no hope and expectations for the future yet I keep making changes hoping I'll be able to pull through a little more until I'm stable enough to die alone and peacefully. However, for the first time ever I do not wish to get worse. This is all I did up until now and the consequences are hitting harder than I planned. I am failing professionally very rapidly and my body is in more discomfort than ever. These things I know I can't improve or get through on my own because I'm both a pussy and powerless. People have been starting to notice unusually often but in the end no one cares past 5 minutes at a time. I'd like to think I, at least, have my partner, but even to her I'm a big responsibility and easily replaceable. I don't like to force her into changing that either, so I just go with the flow.
I wish I was at the age when it was still easy to make friends. I actually do miss and crave social interactions a lot. I wish I had someone to hang out with instead of rot in my bed. But I came to the conclusion I am the problem and I will forever be, no matter what space and time. Maybe I am so bad as a person I do not actually deserve someone that could share the same interests and attitude as me. Maybe it's meant to be me and my pills forever.
