It’s been a while, still here (unfortunately). My biggest regret is not ctb back when I first found this site.

[justanotherstar]

Hey,

It's been a while, I found this site many years ago. I procured SN and was going to ctb. Things happened, I didn't. Boy I've tried to 'live/recover'. But I'm fucked, there's no help, things are getting worse and I've suddenly been hit with how much of a monster I am. My biggest regret is not killing myself when I first found this site. I over thought it, I'm overthinking now.

I want to die. I want to do it but honestly there's things stopping me that I'm trying to fix and I'm not even sure it's possible (barring homicide, and well that's not me)

Currently trying to erase my existence from the world, every last trace, emails, documents, social media. But I can't erase other peoples memories and I can't control what happens after I die. Im
Terrified people will find out things, and that is worse than having to live when all I want to do is die. So in my head I need to wait for my parents/family to die. Other people, well I'm less concerned.

Wish I could just erase my entire existence, every interaction. I hate this so much. What are you supposed to do when you feel like you can't even ctb?

But then again, I have SN, I could, couldn't I? Is it just an elaborate labyrinth. Is it even possible to escape suffering. Is death really the end? There's no guarantees. I don't believe in heaven or that sort of thing, but what if I was wrong and you're met by loved ones who know all your business. I can't stop obsessing at all. In my head there is no fix, there is no control in dying. I can't find the answers - I don't think they exist. So do it do it anyway despite my fears, or do I keep trying to find a way to delete every footprint I have left in this world

I don't know. I don't even know what my point is here. Just alone and hurting and want to cease to exist

 

[Death is my goal]

i feel the same, my biggest regret is not killing myself at a young age, this world is so fucked up

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be dreadful and tiring suffering like that but anyway the way I see it, I bet that eventually most of us won't even exist in the memories of those who continue to stay here, I believe that as humans we are destined to eventually be forgotten about. And I do believe that death is the end of all suffering and everything will be erased for us then as we simply won't be aware. But anyway best wishes, I get that it's awful when existing just continues to get worse.

 

[justanotherstar]

i feel the same, my biggest regret is not killing myself at a young age, this world is so fucked up

I really hear you. I first wanted to ctb when I was young, I wish i would have

It must be dreadful and tiring suffering like that but anyway the way I see it, I bet that eventually most of us won't even exist in the memories of those who continue to stay here, I believe that as humans we are destined to eventually be forgotten about. And I do believe that death is the end of all suffering and everything will be erased for us then as we simply won't be aware. But anyway best wishes, I get that it's awful when existing just continues to get worse.

I find that reassuring, I definitely think we are forgotten. I think I'm just mostly worried about my 'secrets' coming out. Things I don't want people knowing about me. It terrifies me. That's why I'm so worried. All the embarrassing stuff I can cope with I think I'd be okay with I could let it go, but I experienced Childhood sexual abuse and so much happened with my mental health (multiple hospital admissions, sectioned, police involved etc). I can't trust it won't all come out in an Inquest. I don't want my family knowing any of it.

 

[020x]

i don't believe that the more we wait, the more scared we become. i never feared dying but the painful process in it. courage is the final key. the last push. so you can do it any time, but you really gotta be in the worse state possible to not give a shit about anything. or a fearless psychopath. regardless, i will do it when my patience will run out. i won't allow this life to torture me.

 

[krokilo]

I also think about it, but you did not ask you to give birth. The fact that you were born is an accident, your participation in this is not, and it is your full right to leave this life. If you want to help your parents / relatives, you can try to leave something after yourself, or at least cleanliness, but live for someone, I believe that you are not obliged to do this to anyone, and this is your full moral and legal right.

 

[MalboroMan420]

i don't believe that the more we wait, the more scared we become. i never feared dying but the painful process in it. courage is the final key. the last push. so you can do it any time, but you really gotta be in the worse state possible to not give a shit about anything. or a fearless psychopath. regardless, i will do it when my patience will run out. i won't allow this life to torture me.

That's such a beautiful way to put it.. courage is definitely the final key.. the last push.. I may not be in the worst state possible, and could very well live an "ok" life for the next year or so, but my patience as worn thin and I'm getting very ancy to gtfo.. I'm like the little kid on a car ride … "are we there yet?? Are we there yet???"

 

[rotciv]

Hey,

It's been a while, I found this site many years ago. I procured SN and was going to ctb. Things happened, I didn't. Boy I've tried to 'live/recover'. But I'm fucked, there's no help, things are getting worse and I've suddenly been hit with how much of a monster I am. My biggest regret is not killing myself when I first found this site. I over thought it, I'm overthinking now.

I want to die. I want to do it but honestly there's things stopping me that I'm trying to fix and I'm not even sure it's possible (barring homicide, and well that's not me)

Currently trying to erase my existence from the world, every last trace, emails, documents, social media. But I can't erase other peoples memories and I can't control what happens after I die. Im
Terrified people will find out things, and that is worse than having to live when all I want to do is die. So in my head I need to wait for my parents/family to die. Other people, well I'm less concerned.

Wish I could just erase my entire existence, every interaction. I hate this so much. What are you supposed to do when you feel like you can't even ctb?

But then again, I have SN, I could, couldn't I? Is it just an elaborate labyrinth. Is it even possible to escape suffering. Is death really the end? There's no guarantees. I don't believe in heaven or that sort of thing, but what if I was wrong and you're met by loved ones who know all your business. I can't stop obsessing at all. In my head there is no fix, there is no control in dying. I can't find the answers - I don't think they exist. So do it do it anyway despite my fears, or do I keep trying to find a way to delete every footprint I have left in this world

I don't know. I don't even know what my point is here. Just alone and hurting and want to cease to exist

i don't believe that the more we wait, the more scared we become. i never feared dying but the painful process in it. courage is the final key. the last push. so you can do it any time, but you really gotta be in the worse state possible to not give a shit about anything. or a fearless psychopath. regardless, i will do it when my patience will run out. i won't allow this life to torture me.

I feel the same way, just wish to erase my entire existence, but we cannot do that and when the rock bottom hit, you will go foward anyway as @020x said, these things really won't matter anymore when we get to that point, it's all over thinking anyway, what really matters in life is our well-being.

 

[xBrialesana]

This post EARILY looks like it could have been written by me. Like, freakishly.

Same situation, I had the *best known* SN source, every med/drug I could need, everything ready, I just had to deal with going through all of my shit first (same as you; wipe email, files ect, I also wanted to gather some pictures of me [since I stopped existing to the real and outside world for so so many years] and statements I had recorded).

I decided to wait for my dog to pass (he was 21 years old, it was going to be soon, and enough time to really gather all of my shit, be there for him, and ctb immediately. Was the plan.

Now I'm rambling but long story short if I hadn't waited and just done it, I wouldn't have been raped and impregnated and had to lose twins, I wouldn't have had to deal with so many injuries I had had, and now I'm just too far gone to even ctb I don't even exist this is a cry for help wtf.

That's actually why I'm back here I need to get sources and leave asap (also in this time period my doctor dropped me so I've been in benzo withdrawal hell) lallaaa

 

[Argo]

Hey,

It's been a while, I found this site many years ago. I procured SN and was going to ctb. Things happened, I didn't. Boy I've tried to 'live/recover'. But I'm fucked, there's no help, things are getting worse and I've suddenly been hit with how much of a monster I am. My biggest regret is not killing myself when I first found this site. I over thought it, I'm overthinking now.

I want to die. I want to do it but honestly there's things stopping me that I'm trying to fix and I'm not even sure it's possible (barring homicide, and well that's not me)

Currently trying to erase my existence from the world, every last trace, emails, documents, social media. But I can't erase other peoples memories and I can't control what happens after I die. Im
Terrified people will find out things, and that is worse than having to live when all I want to do is die. So in my head I need to wait for my parents/family to die. Other people, well I'm less concerned.

Wish I could just erase my entire existence, every interaction. I hate this so much. What are you supposed to do when you feel like you can't even ctb?

But then again, I have SN, I could, couldn't I? Is it just an elaborate labyrinth. Is it even possible to escape suffering. Is death really the end? There's no guarantees. I don't believe in heaven or that sort of thing, but what if I was wrong and you're met by loved ones who know all your business. I can't stop obsessing at all. In my head there is no fix, there is no control in dying. I can't find the answers - I don't think they exist. So do it do it anyway despite my fears, or do I keep trying to find a way to delete every footprint I have left in this world

I don't know. I don't even know what my point is here. Just alone and hurting and want to cease to exist

Not sure if you're still here since it's been a few months. But it seems like a single idea solves a lot of your worry: The idea of free will. You seem to be plagued with guilt and shame and regret. But those are actually all confused as far as long term mental states. We do things we don't like, we wish we didn't do, and yes, it's good to feel some negative signal that says, " Don't do that again! " . Or else, how could we know what we did was bad? However...
Feeling constantly tormented, is confused.
Why? Because you did not make yourself, and you did not make your choices. You were born, into a life, right? All the factors that made you who you are, were set out for you. If we put you, identical as you were, into that same situation you feel such shame about, or feel others would judge you for, you would make the same exact choice. If we put your parents in your exact shoes, they would also make the same exact choice-- that's what it *literally* means to be "you" in such a moment. So recognize this as clearly as you can, because it is what prevents a lot of your negative emotion.

 

[fxxhan175]

i don't believe that the more we wait, the more scared we become. i never feared dying but the painful process in it. courage is the final key. the last push. so you can do it any time, but you really gotta be in the worse state possible to not give a shit about anything. or a fearless psychopath. regardless, i will do it when my patience will run out. i won't allow this life to torture me.

Unrelated but Bungou Stray Dogs is one of my favorite animes and Dazai one of my favorite characters. There was once a time when I couldn't truly comprehend the immense pain behind his desire to ctb but now sadly I do. I feel all of it and the show hits so much harder when you're in a state like I am of complete and utter hopelessness. I just wish we also lived in a fantasy world like his and I could at least go out like a hero or be of some use.