Venting it’s all my fault

[Verklempt]

I'm causing everyone to stress out. My sister is blaming me for being depressed. She said that I should grow up, that I have a good life, that I have a better life than her. That I shouldn't be sad. She's trying to help me by booking a therapist but she's making me feel worse. The only person who understands me right now is my cousin, and she's crying and stressing about this as well. It just hurts me, hurting the only person that cares about you. My mom is doing the best she could but it's not what I want. I'm pushing her away and it just breaks my heart. They told my school that I wanted to die. I was pissed off because it was my business, and I don't want anyone else to know. I hate when people pity me or look at me differently.
My meto is not here yet and I am still debating if I should ctb tonight. I just want all of this to end

 

[Shero]

Your environment is really toxic. Do you have the possibility to move out?

 

[Verklempt]

Your environment is really toxic. Do you have the possibility to move out?

Sadly, no

 

[ALittleBurden]

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I'm all ears if you ever need to talk with someone. Maybe simple venting would help you to act fine before your family, so they'd get bit calmer. I hope that whenever you'll decide to ctb, it won't be impulsive, and you'll peacefully succeed. Wish you all the best.

 

[Shero]

Personally i would reach out to the therapist and telling him/her about your abusive family. I understand that you are suffering a lot and that the combination of your depression and your abusive family does not give you any hope for recovery, but I would persevere a little longer and make full use of your potential options.
A therapist could also help you find a shared apartment. Attempts at drug treatment should also be considered.
If nothing works in the long run, you always have a way out.

 

[Defenestrator]

I understand why family and friends freak out and guilt trip, but it has the complete opposite effect that they intend and they clearly don't realise this. It's like dumping a cannister of gasoline onto an open fire.

I'm sorry you're in this situation but whatever you choose, we're here.

 

[Xebsora29]

Let me just say, there is nothing wrong with being depressed.

Your sister is in the wrong for blaming you for depression and that just shows that she exhibits a massive amount of ignorances. The concept of "you have a good life, grow up" is viewed through her perspective where she presumes she's correct, but in actuality ignorant/wrong. She'll never grasp the hidden pain you're going through if she continues that narrative. It's evident that you're sister doesn't understand your pain so she's booking you a therapist so you could figure out your situation. I don't disagree with a therapist, maybe it might help however she needs to cooperate and try to comprehend your situation, emotions, and overwhelming feelings you're consumed with before she takes that step. She lacks understanding and it appears that she resorts to judgement before comprehending the event. Sorry you're going through that.

As for notifying your school, don't be too upset with them. They're doing what they can and as for now, they fear for your life. They're not sure what you plan on doing so they're taking the steps to do what they can; even if it upsets you.

To be honest, I've been exactly in your shoes. Perhaps not precisely, but along those lines. It's terrible and everyday you feel like you're in agony. I told myself I would CTB, and here I am filled with reluctancy and hesitation. Confused about my life purpose and existences.

You know, if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Just message me. I won't judge you and won't disclose my opinions unless you want them. This is a community where you can be open without a fear of persecution or mistreatment.

Feel better.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Nope. Not your fault.

Completely outside of your control that it happened.

You reached out for help in good faith.

The help line created the situation. Their fault. Not yours.

BTW I never blow sunshine up anyone's behind. I am direct and honest.

 

[ALittleBurden]

Also, don't blame yourself. You have your own struggle that you're just trying to survive; how others perceive it and react to it is their issue and their responsibility. It's an incredible shame they're reactions are toxic for you but it doesn't make you guilty of anything.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Same. My mom told me today that she failed as a mother because of my suicidal thoughts. I told her it'snot her fault and that I screwed up my life.

 

[lmroch]

The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is dedicated to the prevention of child abuse. Serving the U.S. and Canada, the hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with professional crisis counselors who—through interpreters—provide assistance in over 170 languages. The hotline offers crisis intervention, information, and referrals to thousands of emergency, social service, and support resources. All calls are confidential.

https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/

​

 

[LegaliseIt!]

I'm causing everyone to stress out. My sister is blaming me for being depressed. She said that I should grow up, that I have a good life, that I have a better life than her. That I shouldn't be sad. She's trying to help me by booking a therapist but she's making me feel worse. The only person who understands me right now is my cousin, and she's crying and stressing about this as well. It just hurts me, hurting the only person that cares about you. My mom is doing the best she could but it's not what I want. I'm pushing her away and it just breaks my heart. They told my school that I wanted to die. I was pissed off because it was my business, and I don't want anyone else to know. I hate when people pity me or look at me differently.
My meto is not here yet and I am still debating if I should ctb tonight. I just want all of this to end

This is painful to read, and I am so sad that everyone around you is making it about _them_.
You mentioned school. Did you mean College? University? There may be nonjudgmental help available for students to get you through this crisis.
CTB tonight without antiemetics, while under family scrutiny sounds impulsive and it might be a bad idea. Only you can know for sure, but careful planning usually results in success. My own impulsive actions have led to failure, and not one good thing has come of it. Just my experience. We are here for you, whatever you decide, but please don't harm yourself by acting in a rush because you are surrounded by irrational people.
Sending hugs and supportive thoughts for your safety on your journey.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Agreed with a very one here..I would wait til it's well thought out.tonight is way too impulsive..Just take a minute,go for a walk,take a shower,anything to help u calm down..Sending u love

 

[Verklempt]

Thank you everyone for your sweet comments and advice. My therapy appointment is this Friday. I just hope I could make it past the next few days. Today went by so slow and I am scared what has to come tomorrow.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Today went by so slow and I am scared what has to come tomorrow.

Is it like dread based on all of this, or something specific?

Of course don't answer if you don't want to.

 

[Quarky00]

Oh what a shit storm... perfect sequel to police knocking on door

This not your fault
You are not hurting anybody
This is about you, not them!

Few days ago you wrote the same about your sister –

Your sister is ignorant and abusive!

Other people were angrier than me. If you don't stop her – nothing will change.

You really need space and time. I can't tell you what to do, but worried, and hope you'll get some peace from all that noise
I know they deeply care for you but sounds like they are making things worse.

 

[Ghost2211]

Depression is never your fault. People deserve love and compassion when they are struggling. I am deeply sorry the people in your life are not seeing they are hurting you.

it is good to talk to a therapist about suicidal ideations, but be mindful they are mandatory reporters and will contact help if you say you're going to hurt yourself. Make sure you keep assuring them you have no intention to harm yourself or others unless you want to be put on suicide watch. Nobody wants their rights and freedoms taken away.

 

[Verklempt]

Is it like dread based on all of this, or something specific?

Of course don't answer if you don't want to.

Yes, and I'm going back to school tomorrow. I hope everything won't be too different.


My meto just came! I was taking a nap when I heard a knock on my door. I am so happy right now. I don't intend to use it today, I want to try to get help before ctb.