I'm an empty shell. That's what I am.
I struggled to find an appropriate title...
Things were going relatively well. I had met this girl, a whole new world opened to my eyes, somehow things were different. I knew she was just someone I met online... it couldn't be that much of a big deal. Even after months, I still haven't seen her face (only through pictures), or heard her voice. But the way we talked was like none other. You see, for a person like me, who has never experienced love, this already was so much. The way she talked to me, the way she complimented me. At some point, I even imagined myself writing a post in the Recovery section!
How naive.
It's all nothing but an illusion. At some point, I thought that I was depending too much on her, and that as soon as things were over, everything would come rushing back. Now don't get me wrong, even with her, it was overwhelming, because of many reasons, but somehow, because I felt her close to me... it was all bearable. I was the same person, but at the same time, not the same at all. Externally, it didn't look like much changed... but internally, I felt like a complete different person.
She was very honest about us just now though. She really doesn't expect much. And, I totally get it. I may be naive, but I'm not stupid. We didn't even meet at a dating app or something. It was just a common interest. Sure, we connected on a whole amount of levels but... that was it. It was incredible... while it lasted.
And now here I am. Thinking why, even if for mere moments, I thought she and I would be different. As if this was the first time! A lot of people fall to illusions. "Oh this will be different for X and Y reason". It's all bull*it. It's all circumstantial. All chemical reactions. I knew all of this... and yet fell for it.
(EDIT: maybe she even lied to me about more stuff... can't know for sure.)
And yet somehow, it's like I can't really regret it. I love everything I felt... it was the first time I felt really loved, even if it was an illusion. It was the first illusion that felt *this* real. Somehow... I'm happy for that. I had met many girls before, and maybe they just weren't good at lying or using masks or whatever but... at the very least, this one never really ghosted me, talked to me daily, expressed how much she appreciated me (even if as "a special person"), complimented me so much... this was the first. Even if in the end she doesn't feel like I do... just like all the other girls I met... I'm somehow still glad I got to live this experience. It's like, it's the best I can get. I wish I could get better but... at the very least, I got this.
I cry. I really wish things could be different. But they aren't. This is the best I'm getting. I was so excited that I was planning a trip to see her (yes, you read that right, hadn't heard her voice or seen her face to face, though she did share a few pictures, and I was already thinking of seeing her, maybe I got too influenced by what someone said about planning a physical encounter as soon as possible). And I even told some people about it. Most likely I'll get it cancelled. Or maybe I'll change the destination and go somewhere else for my own. But, I don't know. For a moment, I thought I was really standing on my own two feet but... I really aren't. I really need someone else to make me feel happy. So now that things with her are... I don't know if over, but pretty much over... I'm already back into full depression mode.
I just want to die. I'm tired. I thought I'd get mad or blow up at her... but turns out I didn't. Instead, I just took it. Deep inside I'm dying... and would love to kill myself right now. Of course I won't, I tried in the past and failed. Just gotta wait...
I struggled to find an appropriate title...
Things were going relatively well. I had met this girl, a whole new world opened to my eyes, somehow things were different. I knew she was just someone I met online... it couldn't be that much of a big deal. Even after months, I still haven't seen her face (only through pictures), or heard her voice. But the way we talked was like none other. You see, for a person like me, who has never experienced love, this already was so much. The way she talked to me, the way she complimented me. At some point, I even imagined myself writing a post in the Recovery section!
How naive.
It's all nothing but an illusion. At some point, I thought that I was depending too much on her, and that as soon as things were over, everything would come rushing back. Now don't get me wrong, even with her, it was overwhelming, because of many reasons, but somehow, because I felt her close to me... it was all bearable. I was the same person, but at the same time, not the same at all. Externally, it didn't look like much changed... but internally, I felt like a complete different person.
She was very honest about us just now though. She really doesn't expect much. And, I totally get it. I may be naive, but I'm not stupid. We didn't even meet at a dating app or something. It was just a common interest. Sure, we connected on a whole amount of levels but... that was it. It was incredible... while it lasted.
And now here I am. Thinking why, even if for mere moments, I thought she and I would be different. As if this was the first time! A lot of people fall to illusions. "Oh this will be different for X and Y reason". It's all bull*it. It's all circumstantial. All chemical reactions. I knew all of this... and yet fell for it.
(EDIT: maybe she even lied to me about more stuff... can't know for sure.)
And yet somehow, it's like I can't really regret it. I love everything I felt... it was the first time I felt really loved, even if it was an illusion. It was the first illusion that felt *this* real. Somehow... I'm happy for that. I had met many girls before, and maybe they just weren't good at lying or using masks or whatever but... at the very least, this one never really ghosted me, talked to me daily, expressed how much she appreciated me (even if as "a special person"), complimented me so much... this was the first. Even if in the end she doesn't feel like I do... just like all the other girls I met... I'm somehow still glad I got to live this experience. It's like, it's the best I can get. I wish I could get better but... at the very least, I got this.
I cry. I really wish things could be different. But they aren't. This is the best I'm getting. I was so excited that I was planning a trip to see her (yes, you read that right, hadn't heard her voice or seen her face to face, though she did share a few pictures, and I was already thinking of seeing her, maybe I got too influenced by what someone said about planning a physical encounter as soon as possible). And I even told some people about it. Most likely I'll get it cancelled. Or maybe I'll change the destination and go somewhere else for my own. But, I don't know. For a moment, I thought I was really standing on my own two feet but... I really aren't. I really need someone else to make me feel happy. So now that things with her are... I don't know if over, but pretty much over... I'm already back into full depression mode.
I just want to die. I'm tired. I thought I'd get mad or blow up at her... but turns out I didn't. Instead, I just took it. Deep inside I'm dying... and would love to kill myself right now. Of course I won't, I tried in the past and failed. Just gotta wait...
