Story It’s a bad joke

[TheSandmanSlim]

I've never told the whole of my life.
I'm 36 and do not know how to keep going.
This too shall pass right?

Born 86 near south Boston
My parents both have mental health issues between severe depression and bipolar, mother is extremely religious.
When my second sister was to be born we moved to upstate NH
That's when my mother began to become violent and demeaning.
She told me I was the devil and was going to hell often. Any perceived transgressions she took pleasure in punishing me.
I have three younger sisters and anything that they could have gotten in trouble for I took the blame. There was no way I was going to let her hurt them as she did me.
My father escaped through drugs, drinking, and work.
At nine she kidnapped my sisters and myself. Accusing my father of abuse. Ironic.
Three years moving around battered women shelters and boyfriends homes. Many were violent as well but she didn't seem to care.
One in particular beat the hell out of me when I stopped him for sexually assaulting my sisters.

My father tracked us down and we had to move back due to court order.

At 13 I ran away and moved in with my father. I started smoking weed, smoking cigs, and drinking.
My father was not doing well and tried to hide it.
I fought allot at school but did well academically. At 16 I dropped out, got my GED, started online courses, and got a job.
My father was diagnosed with cancer at 16 and no one else to help.
I tried 6 times to commit suicide. Pills, pills and alcohol, slit my wrists, gun jammed, flipped a car going a buck fifty, and the last time was strangulation. I just couldn't cope. So I just worked allot.
By 18 I was boxing heavy weight golden gloves
I was working as a bouncer under a fake ID, got involved with some shady shit to make ends meet. Transporting weight, less than legal fights for cash, sometimes debt collection.
Then my dads health got bad enough I couldn't do it, sold his house and he spent a year in assisted living and then six months in hospice. His sister had finally helped but I was lost.

My sisters had all moved to Florida to be with my grandparents. Get away from my mother.
I took a fight I should not have and didn't know how to stay down. Got very hurt.
While I was recovering my father did as well and moved to Florida which agreed with him.

I met a woman, got in sales. Bought a house.
In my bed after a year and a half together I caught her with another man.
I walked out. That day transferred everything to her and left. Her mother, sister, brother all lived there too. But I didn't want to be there anymore. So I left.

I Took a girl I liked and traveled the next two years around the US. We were in lust not love so She was there only some of the journey, maybe only a couple months/ 6 months. I Left her in California with $500 and said for her to buy a ticket home.
Then I sold my car and traveled Europe for a year. I don't know why I came back.

When I came back I found a place and a job, really worked hard and at 24 I met a woman.
After too short a period of time I moved In with her and her 5y/o autistic son. She was going to loose her place so I helped. Working 2 jobs a majority of the time I put her through college, played dad. We got married and she gave me a son.
But she was toxic, angry, and when mad likes to hit me. I am a big guy so it never hurt bad, and I knew from my parents this was how love was. I was delusional.
Then my mental health got bad, the stress was allot .
I put her through school. She became a mental health nurse and started suggesting meds I should ask my therapist for. Well turns out they were contradictory and caused a bad downward spiral. I ended up in the nuthouse and while I was in my Wife accused me of hitting her eight times in the chest and choking her out, but interesting she had no marks. Her word against mine and she had a good lawyer.
I ended with a felony.

She left me homeless, just the clothes on my back. Now enjoys the company of my ex best friend.
I stopped all the meds, and started hitting the gym again just to shower as I was living in the street but then I said might as well work out too.
I have been homeless more than I have had a roof the last few years.
I currently live in my car, drive DoorDash for a living. I am barely making due.
My probation is up soon and I intend to move.
I have not seen my son in almost 4 years. I think about suicide every day very frequently.
I don't drink anymore but I vape too much and smoke too much weed. The only meds I'm taking. It helps with my depression and fibromyalgia. Plus I enjoy it.

I don't know if I have the strength to get through this one. I am lost, alone, and just so god damn tired.

When I express my emotions and thoughts friends feel overwhelmed and everyone I have opened up to to share even a bit of my pain has left.
Just don't know what to do anymore.

 

[flightless bird]

You are only 36 and lived all that life already? Seems to me you are a master of life.

Still, there are much worse, trust me on this. Unfortunately I don't have any wisdom to offer but like I said, I think that you have fight in you and you can make it somehow, definitely not an hopeless case like me, that much I'm sure of...

All the best to you brother, may all your wishes come true.

 

[TheSandmanSlim]

You are only 36 and lived all that life already? Seems to me you are a master of life.

Still, there are much worse, trust me on this. Unfortunately I don't have any wisdom to offer but like I said, I think that you have fight in you and you can make it somehow, definitely not an hopeless case like me, that much I'm sure of...

All the best to you brother, may all your wishes come true.

Yes there are many that have it far worse, and it breaks my heart that other people have experienced that. You are right.

So I suppose my suffering is minor compared to some and I should just chive on?
Why do we have to measure what I am experiencing, what anyone is because we are all going through it, to both minimize and dismiss it?

 

[Finding Sirius]

My friend you have truly taken a ride on the Merry-Go-Round of life. You have seen and accomplished much, kudos to you. I am sorry for your pain and what you have had to endure up to this point. What do you want to do? Is it your wish to continue the ride or get off? The choice is yours and no one here will judge you either way. Peace to you.

 

[flightless bird]

Yes there are many that have it far worse, and it breaks my heart that other people have experienced that. You are right.

So I suppose my suffering is minor compared to some and I should just chive on?
Why do we have to measure what I am experiencing, what anyone is because we are all going through it, to both minimize and dismiss it?

Your suffering is not minor, actually reading all that made me feel horrible. What I meant was, you have some strenght in you and maybe you can keep going and win somehow and I mean it.

 

[Fall.and.Shatter]

There are no words for this, right? The pain can be too much.....and you are so so amazing to have survived this. I won't try to offer obvious words of comfort..but, if you decide to try ctb again, I hope that you will be able to do at least one thing that makes you happy before you go. Be it eating your favorite food or just, relaxing for just a moment.

 

[TheSandmanSlim]

There are no words for this, right? The pain can be too much.....and you are so so amazing to have survived this. I won't try to offer obvious words of comfort..but, if you decide to try ctb again, I hope that you will be able to do at least one thing that makes you happy before you go. Be it eating your favorite food or just, relaxing for just a moment.

Thank you

Your suffering is not minor, actually reading all that made me feel horrible. What I meant was, you have some strenght in you and maybe you can keep going and win somehow and I mean it.

It was never my intention to make other people feel bad

 

[flightless bird]

It was never my intention to make other people feel bad

No worries, I always feel bad. I hope you can find the peace you're looking for.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so awful what you have had to endure, I cannot even imagine how hard it must be. It really is such a cruel existence and none of us should ever have to suffer like that. I hope that you find relief from what you are going through. Best wishes.

 

[whatevs]

After reading your story there's a residue of loneliness, of wasted efforts and a hostile, shifting environment. Life is tough but everyone puts on a mask. Though for some it becomes pure hell. Good luck, you sound like someone that really tried.

 

[TheSandmanSlim]

After reading your story there's a residue of loneliness, of wasted efforts and a hostile, shifting environment. Life is tough but everyone puts on a mask. Though for some it becomes pure hell. Good luck, you sound like someone that really tried.

I feel very alone in life

 

[Fall.and.Shatter]

Thank you

It was never my intention to make other people feel bad

Ah, no don't worry :) I never really feel anything these days :>

 

[Hollowillow]

I've never told the whole of my life.
I'm 36 and do not know how to keep going.
This too shall pass right?

Born 86 near south Boston
My parents both have mental health issues between severe depression and bipolar, mother is extremely religious.
When my second sister was to be born we moved to upstate NH
That's when my mother began to become violent and demeaning.
She told me I was the devil and was going to hell often. Any perceived transgressions she took pleasure in punishing me.
I have three younger sisters and anything that they could have gotten in trouble for I took the blame. There was no way I was going to let her hurt them as she did me.
My father escaped through drugs, drinking, and work.
At nine she kidnapped my sisters and myself. Accusing my father of abuse. Ironic.
Three years moving around battered women shelters and boyfriends homes. Many were violent as well but she didn't seem to care.
One in particular beat the hell out of me when I stopped him for sexually assaulting my sisters.

My father tracked us down and we had to move back due to court order.

At 13 I ran away and moved in with my father. I started smoking weed, smoking cigs, and drinking.
My father was not doing well and tried to hide it.
I fought allot at school but did well academically. At 16 I dropped out, got my GED, started online courses, and got a job.
My father was diagnosed with cancer at 16 and no one else to help.
I tried 6 times to commit suicide. Pills, pills and alcohol, slit my wrists, gun jammed, flipped a car going a buck fifty, and the last time was strangulation. I just couldn't cope. So I just worked allot.
By 18 I was boxing heavy weight golden gloves
I was working as a bouncer under a fake ID, got involved with some shady shit to make ends meet. Transporting weight, less than legal fights for cash, sometimes debt collection.
Then my dads health got bad enough I couldn't do it, sold his house and he spent a year in assisted living and then six months in hospice. His sister had finally helped but I was lost.

My sisters had all moved to Florida to be with my grandparents. Get away from my mother.
I took a fight I should not have and didn't know how to stay down. Got very hurt.
While I was recovering my father did as well and moved to Florida which agreed with him.

I met a woman, got in sales. Bought a house.
In my bed after a year and a half together I caught her with another man.
I walked out. That day transferred everything to her and left. Her mother, sister, brother all lived there too. But I didn't want to be there anymore. So I left.

I Took a girl I liked and traveled the next two years around the US. We were in lust not love so She was there only some of the journey, maybe only a couple months/ 6 months. I Left her in California with $500 and said for her to buy a ticket home.
Then I sold my car and traveled Europe for a year. I don't know why I came back.

When I came back I found a place and a job, really worked hard and at 24 I met a woman.
After too short a period of time I moved In with her and her 5y/o autistic son. She was going to loose her place so I helped. Working 2 jobs a majority of the time I put her through college, played dad. We got married and she gave me a son.
But she was toxic, angry, and when mad likes to hit me. I am a big guy so it never hurt bad, and I knew from my parents this was how love was. I was delusional.
Then my mental health got bad, the stress was allot .
I put her through school. She became a mental health nurse and started suggesting meds I should ask my therapist for. Well turns out they were contradictory and caused a bad downward spiral. I ended up in the nuthouse and while I was in my Wife accused me of hitting her eight times in the chest and choking her out, but interesting she had no marks. Her word against mine and she had a good lawyer.
I ended with a felony.

She left me homeless, just the clothes on my back. Now enjoys the company of my ex best friend.
I stopped all the meds, and started hitting the gym again just to shower as I was living in the street but then I said might as well work out too.
I have been homeless more than I have had a roof the last few years.
I currently live in my car, drive DoorDash for a living. I am barely making due.
My probation is up soon and I intend to move.
I have not seen my son in almost 4 years. I think about suicide every day very frequently.
I don't drink anymore but I vape too much and smoke too much weed. The only meds I'm taking. It helps with my depression and fibromyalgia. Plus I enjoy it.

I don't know if I have the strength to get through this one. I am lost, alone, and just so god damn tired.

When I express my emotions and thoughts friends feel overwhelmed and everyone I have opened up to to share even a bit of my pain has left.
Just don't know what to do anymore.

Wow, among all that hell you have accomplished so much, at least 3 of my lifetimes... I think you deserve stability, a warm nest. Probably alone so no one can hurt & drain you. To heal. Then you can think of something. You can probably ask for shared custody after having a stable home & job, so that's not just good for recovery. Weed is better than psych drugs but can still cause paychosis (probably seizures). Fybro is probably a vitamin c deficiency. I have that a lot, stress burn it out. It's agony all over. Exhaustion. You keep being reborn like a phoenix... Take some time to build a nest to rest before your next flight? If you think you lived enough, you lived more than I ever will... So I can't blame you. But maybe you just need to catch your breath?

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

you have an incredible story… You've been through so much… I'm sorry for your suffering…

 

[ReallyTired]

I've never told the whole of my life.
I'm 36 and do not know how to keep going.
This too shall pass right?

Born 86 near south Boston
My parents both have mental health issues between severe depression and bipolar, mother is extremely religious.
When my second sister was to be born we moved to upstate NH
That's when my mother began to become violent and demeaning.
She told me I was the devil and was going to hell often. Any perceived transgressions she took pleasure in punishing me.
I have three younger sisters and anything that they could have gotten in trouble for I took the blame. There was no way I was going to let her hurt them as she did me.
My father escaped through drugs, drinking, and work.
At nine she kidnapped my sisters and myself. Accusing my father of abuse. Ironic.
Three years moving around battered women shelters and boyfriends homes. Many were violent as well but she didn't seem to care.
One in particular beat the hell out of me when I stopped him for sexually assaulting my sisters.

My father tracked us down and we had to move back due to court order.

At 13 I ran away and moved in with my father. I started smoking weed, smoking cigs, and drinking.
My father was not doing well and tried to hide it.
I fought allot at school but did well academically. At 16 I dropped out, got my GED, started online courses, and got a job.
My father was diagnosed with cancer at 16 and no one else to help.
I tried 6 times to commit suicide. Pills, pills and alcohol, slit my wrists, gun jammed, flipped a car going a buck fifty, and the last time was strangulation. I just couldn't cope. So I just worked allot.
By 18 I was boxing heavy weight golden gloves
I was working as a bouncer under a fake ID, got involved with some shady shit to make ends meet. Transporting weight, less than legal fights for cash, sometimes debt collection.
Then my dads health got bad enough I couldn't do it, sold his house and he spent a year in assisted living and then six months in hospice. His sister had finally helped but I was lost.

My sisters had all moved to Florida to be with my grandparents. Get away from my mother.
I took a fight I should not have and didn't know how to stay down. Got very hurt.
While I was recovering my father did as well and moved to Florida which agreed with him.

I met a woman, got in sales. Bought a house.
In my bed after a year and a half together I caught her with another man.
I walked out. That day transferred everything to her and left. Her mother, sister, brother all lived there too. But I didn't want to be there anymore. So I left.

I Took a girl I liked and traveled the next two years around the US. We were in lust not love so She was there only some of the journey, maybe only a couple months/ 6 months. I Left her in California with $500 and said for her to buy a ticket home.
Then I sold my car and traveled Europe for a year. I don't know why I came back.

When I came back I found a place and a job, really worked hard and at 24 I met a woman.
After too short a period of time I moved In with her and her 5y/o autistic son. She was going to loose her place so I helped. Working 2 jobs a majority of the time I put her through college, played dad. We got married and she gave me a son.
But she was toxic, angry, and when mad likes to hit me. I am a big guy so it never hurt bad, and I knew from my parents this was how love was. I was delusional.
Then my mental health got bad, the stress was allot .
I put her through school. She became a mental health nurse and started suggesting meds I should ask my therapist for. Well turns out they were contradictory and caused a bad downward spiral. I ended up in the nuthouse and while I was in my Wife accused me of hitting her eight times in the chest and choking her out, but interesting she had no marks. Her word against mine and she had a good lawyer.
I ended with a felony.

She left me homeless, just the clothes on my back. Now enjoys the company of my ex best friend.
I stopped all the meds, and started hitting the gym again just to shower as I was living in the street but then I said might as well work out too.
I have been homeless more than I have had a roof the last few years.
I currently live in my car, drive DoorDash for a living. I am barely making due.
My probation is up soon and I intend to move.
I have not seen my son in almost 4 years. I think about suicide every day very frequently.
I don't drink anymore but I vape too much and smoke too much weed. The only meds I'm taking. It helps with my depression and fibromyalgia. Plus I enjoy it.

I don't know if I have the strength to get through this one. I am lost, alone, and just so god damn tired.

When I express my emotions and thoughts friends feel overwhelmed and everyone I have opened up to to share even a bit of my pain has left.
Just don't know what to do anymore.

Your story really hit home, it made me cry.
Thank you for sharing. My story's a bit similar. Very unhappy childhood, abusive parents, alcoholics with undiagnosed mental health problems, abusive sister. Got physically bullied (beaten up) in a primary school. I really couldn't catch a break. But I decided to leave it all behind. Moved abroad, kept fighting to survive. Despite having a university degree and a good brain, I couldn't make it. Ended up doing horrible jobs for the minimum wage. But I still kept going. Had a few relationships and even got married. The marriage was a disaster. My husband was extremely controlling and emotionally abusive. It always felt that I was living in a small cage and had to work extremely hard just to receive his meager expression of "love" as he sees it fit to dole out. Every boyfriend I had was treating me the same way. I guess they all treated me like my father did, which I didn't realise at that time. Left my husband and I became homeless.
I had a close friend and we rented together. Shortly after, my friend found a new bofriend and moved in with him. I was all alone and lost my job and soon after, money ran out. Ended up in temporary accommodation, moving from one hostel to another. Depression hit me hard. Lots of unprocessed trauma. In the end, I managed to find a tiny flat, but the place is absolutely awful.The flat was infested and there's black mould everywhere. I get a disability payment every month which covers my rent, bills, and food for myself and for my dog. I suspect this is only temporary and it won't last and eventually I'll be back on the street. My health really deteriorated and I'm unable to go back to work. My mentalh health keeps crumbling. I really don't know what to do and I have no more strength to pull through. I fantasize about ctb and cry every night. The loneliness hurts so much. I'm extremely isolated and disconnected from everyone. In the past I tried to open up, and talk about my life experiences, but everybody quickly disappeared soon after. Most of the people seem to live in a happy bubble and they would hate nothing more than someone or something trying to burst that bubble. I really wish I could be one of them and believe that : "Things will get better", those pretty, little lies.

 

[TheSandmanSlim]

Wow, among all that hell you have accomplished so much, at least 3 of my lifetimes... I think you deserve stability, a warm nest. Probably alone so no one can hurt & drain you. To heal. Then you can think of something. You can probably ask for shared custody after having a stable home & job, so that's not just good for recovery. Weed is better than psych drugs but can still cause paychosis (probably seizures). Fybro is probably a vitamin c deficiency. I have that a lot, stress burn it out. It's agony all over. Exhaustion. You keep being reborn like a phoenix... Take some time to build a nest to rest before your next flight? If you think you lived enough, you lived more than I ever will... So I can't blame you. But maybe you just need to catch your breath?

I have gotten three court orders when I had a place
She ignored them and I reported over 30 times of her not showing up
I'll be there in the future for my son if he wants

 

[TheSandmanSlim]

Your story really hit home, it made me cry.
Thank you for sharing. My story's a bit similar. Very unhappy childhood, abusive parents, alcoholics with undiagnosed mental health problems, abusive sister. Got physically bullied (beaten up) in a primary school. I really couldn't catch a break. But I decided to leave it all behind. Moved abroad, kept fighting to survive. Despite having a university degree and a good brain, I couldn't make it. Ended up doing horrible jobs for the minimum wage. But I still kept going. Had a few relationships and even got married. The marriage was a disaster. My husband was extremely controlling and emotionally abusive. It always felt that I was living in a small cage and had to work extremely hard just to receive his meager expression of "love" as he sees it fit to dole out. Every boyfriend I had was treating me the same way. I guess they all treated me like my father did, which I didn't realise at that time. Left my husband and I became homeless.
I had a close friend and we rented together. Shortly after, my friend found a new bofriend and moved in with him. I was all alone and lost my job and soon after, money ran out. Ended up in temporary accommodation, moving from one hostel to another. Depression hit me hard. Lots of unprocessed trauma. In the end, I managed to find a tiny flat, but the place is absolutely awful.The flat was infested and there's black mould everywhere. I get a disability payment every month which covers my rent, bills, and food for myself and for my dog. I suspect this is only temporary and it won't last and eventually I'll be back on the street. My health really deteriorated and I'm unable to go back to work. My mentalh health keeps crumbling. I really don't know what to do and I have no more strength to pull through. I fantasize about ctb and cry every night. The loneliness hurts so much. I'm extremely isolated and disconnected from everyone. In the past I tried to open up, and talk about my life experiences, but everybody quickly disappeared soon after. Most of the people seem to live in a happy bubble and they would hate nothing more than someone or something trying to burst that bubble. I really wish I could be one of them and believe that : "Things will get better", those pretty, little lies.

I sent you a pm

 

[FrozenMango]

you have been a fighter! you are strong. I hope your life gets a turn for the best

Reading about your mom and your ex wife bothered me. People have no issue destroying lives

 

[Sofie-9]

Waw, your story hits home and it feels overwhelming just to read it, I want to ask, where are you at today?

 

[TheSandmanSlim]

Waw, your story hits home and it feels overwhelming just to read it, I want to ask, where are you at today?

Cape cod

you have been a fighter! you are strong. I hope your life gets a turn for the best

Reading about your mom and your ex wife bothered me. People have no issue destroying lives

Apparently I just attract people like that

 

[Sofie-9]

Weirdly, there is a pattern that takes place in everyone's life, it's all related to the upbringing…. How do you feel today?

 

[TheSandmanSlim]

Weirdly, there is a pattern that takes place in everyone's life, it's all related to the upbringing…. How do you feel today?

Hoping to make more money for a car payment
Blaring hard rock
Driving too aggressive under the influence and enjoying the ocean air
trying not to hard to think you know

 

[Sofie-9]

You're a star :) happy to know that you keep going and fixing goals even if you have some self-destruction behaviours that I do understand… I wish you luck and will be happy to have your contact

 

[TheSandmanSlim]

You're a star :) happy to know that you keep going and fixing goals even if you have some self-destruction behaviours that I do understand… I wish you luck and will be happy to have your contact

Thanks

 

[Blondie]

I really admire you for sharing your story, you really have been through alot but you still show strength! Always up for a chat if you need

 

[TheSandmanSlim]

I really admire you for sharing your story, you really have been through alot but you still show strength! Always up for a chat if you need

Appreciate it
i discovered this site this week
I didn't expect to find this type of response