Help It sucks being so disconnected from the world.

[suacide]

I don't really know what to do about it, but i'm a baby duck of a person.
Not in a cute way, in a very literal 'I follow around someone and if i lose them, i get stranded, don't know what to do and die' type of way.
And right now, I'm entirely alone. I thought i had my dad, but his health is getting worse too. It's been terrible for years but now it's so much worse and he's suddenly talking about how he's having a hard time even thinking. He used to be so much different. He's changing and it's breaking my heart because I know what follows that. I'm having the same feeling and lingering doom as when my mom was close to passing.
Another big issue is i don't have any real friends anymore. Yet alone ones that feel the way I do or could teach me things I need to know in order to die. And i wouldn't know the first step to find resources on how to learn myself.
For example, getting my hands on substances in general but in this context, SN.
I feel stranded. I don't want a violent death but it feels like the only thing thats accessible to me aside just waiting it out and hoping a fatal disease gets to me before I'm forced to suffer until i die naturally.
What am I meant to do? What even is there to do?

 

[SanagiMezamete]

Oh no, I'm so sorry. That sounds incredibly heart wrenching. I personally struggle seeing loved ones change and degrade mentally, it's one of the hardest things I have ever had to witness. Maybe that's just me.

I see a lot of people with the "baby duck" tendencies you describe. Try not to blame yourself for it if you can, it seems very common and I don't think that anyone acts clingy maliciously or because they just want to be a nuisance. I'm sure you've had experiences that led you to feel the way you do now and that's valid. It sounds like you've had your share of past suffering. Change and growth are good if you want them, but shame doesn't help you at all. I know it's easier said than done though.

I don't know what you are meant to do. I won't pretend like I have answers. I sympathize though, and hope you can find happiness and friends who understand you. Or peace with whatever other fate you decide to have. It's difficult to be alone and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Wishing you the very best.