Venting It seems that I really can't talk to anyone about suicide other than this community.

[Kalista]

A few hours ago, a long time online gaming friend has finally decided to stop talking to me because she couldn't handle the thought of me dying. She had become distant and sad about the situation. After I got back from work, I let her know that whether I go through with it or not, feel free to remove me from your friends list because this will always be in the back of my mind -- and so she did. I did feel sadness because I wasn't fully committed as I was a few days ago. I felt sadness because she's someone that I've tried to work our friendship on before. I also felt sad because she's another person that I couldn't safely talk about suicide without affecting her in such a negative way which caused a burned bridge. I get that people have feelings and morals towards such decisions of ending one's life, but I still hoped for her to understand my situation which she couldn't reach. I think about adding her again, but it won't be a good idea at this point since my presence will only affect her in the most negative way.

There was another person before her whom I confided in about my plan. She ended up checking herself in the hospital because her friend had committed suicide a few years ago and it traumatized her. Now she's back and on medication just to deal with the physical and mental impact of the trigger. While she does agree and support that it's each person's choice to be able to end themselves, it still makes her feel the need to protect and encourage life.

Another is a co-worker whom I've gotten very close to, agree to the reasoning, but she still also doesn't want me gone at all. I've already had to lie to her about my plan whenever she would ask because she had threaten to call the cops. So I don't talk about it to her in any level anymore.

Anyone else beyond these three who have come close or do understand are guaranteed against suicide.

So for SS to exist for me and others to spend time in until the chosen end -- it's great to have and be part of. No one and no other place are comfortable enough to talk about what we go through and what we want for ourselves. I really can't talk about suicide outside of this community it seems.

 

[itsallpointless]

Where does the root of your problems stem from? Is it delirium? Guilt?

 

[Kalista]

E

Where does the root of your problems stem from? Is it delirium? Guilt?

Root of my problem? What's causing me to choose to end things? If so, it's not delirium. Guilt? None that I know of.
I don't want to deal with life's struggles when it's mostly just that, struggles. I'm not here to compete with myself mentally or physically for the rest of my life.

 

[itsallpointless]

E

Root of my problem? What's causing me to choose to end things? If so, it's not delirium. Guilt? None that I know of.
I don't want to deal with life's struggles when it's mostly just that, struggles. I'm not here to compete with myself mentally or physically for the rest of my life.

Maybe you're too hardworking and suffering for it
Cut yourself some slack. When I had a job I threw shit to those who wanted to slog, all my energy went into other things

 

[Forever Sleep]

To be honest, I imagine most people who haven't considered suicide themselves may well act this way.

Sorry to sound harsh but you are trying to build or maintain close relationships with people only to tell them that by choice- you intend to leave them at some point. I'm not sure if you have experienced much bereavement in life but from my own experience- it's the worst feeling there is. While we definitely don't WANT to inflict this on people- we will be- early and intentionally. I think that's something only people who have felt this way will be able to understand and cope with.

It's natural to grieve and miss someone who dies. Sometimes we CAN realise that it was a happy release for that person- but only if their pain was terribly obvious. Even then- we may selfishly miss them.

Some people just don't feel like they can cope with end of life support- I'd say that is what you're asking them for. It would be nice to think that friendship was that supportive and selfless but I don't think it always is.

I wonder how good we would be as friends to someone who intended to CTB. I'd like to think I would be supportive but I don't honestly know. I don't like feeling used. A VERY close friend of mine told me they would be moving away. I very immaturely started to distance myself from them ahead of time- really to try and protect myself. I knew that I would be terribly upset at the time of their leaving- while they would likely go on to start their new life without very much thought about me. It WOULD have been better if I hadn't done that but there we go- I didn't feel strong enough to. I suspect your friends don't feel strong enough to be able to cope with your loss.

They maybe don't want to feel like they could have stopped you but failed. They maybe don't want that guilt. It perhaps doesn't make a difference that you wouldn't want them to feel that way.

I think we like to think about it rationally- people OUGHT to have control over their own lives. I think when it comes to friends and family- emotions start to get in the way though. Maybe WE would support someone in their desire to CTB because we know just how bad it can be but it must be pretty difficult for someone who doesn't see life like this. I think people understand more when someone is in chronic pain in hospital but it doesn't seem to extend much beyond that unfortunately.

I'm sorry. I know how lonely it is to feel like this. Sometimes, I really want to tell people too. Really though, I'm trying to keep people at a distance as much as I can because that feels fairer on them if I ever manage to do it. That's not always possible though.

I agree with you- that this place is such a relief- to be able to actually express what we feel. I don't know what I'd do without it. I hope you can find some comfort here. At least- when we form loose friendships here- we know the risks from the start.

 

[looking_for_peace]

A few hours ago, a long time online gaming friend has finally decided to stop talking to me because she couldn't handle the thought of me dying. She had become distant and sad about the situation. After I got back from work, I let her know that whether I go through with it or not, feel free to remove me from your friends list because this will always be in the back of my mind -- and so she did. I did feel sadness because I wasn't fully committed as I was a few days ago. I felt sadness because she's someone that I've tried to work our friendship on before. I also felt sad because she's another person that I couldn't safely talk about suicide without affecting her in such a negative way which caused a burned bridge. I get that people have feelings and morals towards such decisions of ending one's life, but I still hoped for her to understand my situation which she couldn't reach. I think about adding her again, but it won't be a good idea at this point since my presence will only affect her in the most negative way.

There was another person before her whom I confided in about my plan. She ended up checking herself in the hospital because her friend had committed suicide a few years ago and it traumatized her. Now she's back and on medication just to deal with the physical and mental impact of the trigger. While she does agree and support that it's each person's choice to be able to end themselves, it still makes her feel the need to protect and encourage life.

Another is a co-worker whom I've gotten very close to, agree to the reasoning, but she still also doesn't want me gone at all. I've already had to lie to her about my plan whenever she would ask because she had threaten to call the cops. So I don't talk about it to her in any level anymore.

Anyone else beyond these three who have come close or do understand are guaranteed against suicide.

So for SS to exist for me and others to spend time in until the chosen end -- it's great to have and be part of. No one and no other place are comfortable enough to talk about what we go through and what we want for ourselves. I really can't talk about suicide outside of this community it seems.

I'm sorry about your friend. I went through something similar a few days ago. Since most people will never experience the desire to end their own life, they will almost always be fully opposed to it. I guess they may also feel they will get into trouble if they do not intervene. this website is really the safest place for us.

 

[Kalista]

Sorry to sound harsh but you are trying to build or maintain close relationships with people only to tell them that by choice- you intend to leave them at some point. I'm not sure if you have experienced much bereavement in life but from my own experience- it's the worst feeling there is. While we definitely don't WANT to inflict this on people- we will be- early and intentionally. I think that's something only people who have felt this way will be able to understand and cope with.

I wonder how good we would be as friends to someone who intended to CTB. I'd like to think I would be supportive but I don't honestly know. I don't like feeling used.

I understand.

I can't really be on the same page as you in regards to what is felt when supporting a person intending to CTB -- because I believe being able to choose what to do with your life is absolutely your choice for anyone. I would support a closest friend if he or she really wanted to leave. I'd feel sad and I know not to try and compare the level of pain we feel. So I'd leave them be with their choice.

I guess the solution is to be alone in this in a sense. The difficult part while I live is the loneliness that I'll feel which can be very intense, and remembering fully now, is the biggest reason I wanted to end things. Thought about making friends in SS, but I don't and can't trust people in here because I don't know who's who. There may be people of authority lurking so I don't want to be close to anyone.

 

[epic]

A few hours ago, a long time online gaming friend has finally decided to stop talking to me because she couldn't handle the thought of me dying. She had become distant and sad about the situation. After I got back from work, I let her know that whether I go through with it or not, feel free to remove me from your friends list because this will always be in the back of my mind -- and so she did. I did feel sadness because I wasn't fully committed as I was a few days ago. I felt sadness because she's someone that I've tried to work our friendship on before. I also felt sad because she's another person that I couldn't safely talk about suicide without affecting her in such a negative way which caused a burned bridge. I get that people have feelings and morals towards such decisions of ending one's life, but I still hoped for her to understand my situation which she couldn't reach. I think about adding her again, but it won't be a good idea at this point since my presence will only affect her in the most negative way.

There was another person before her whom I confided in about my plan. She ended up checking herself in the hospital because her friend had committed suicide a few years ago and it traumatized her. Now she's back and on medication just to deal with the physical and mental impact of the trigger. While she does agree and support that it's each person's choice to be able to end themselves, it still makes her feel the need to protect and encourage life.

Another is a co-worker whom I've gotten very close to, agree to the reasoning, but she still also doesn't want me gone at all. I've already had to lie to her about my plan whenever she would ask because she had threaten to call the cops. So I don't talk about it to her in any level anymore.

Anyone else beyond these three who have come close or do understand are guaranteed against suicide.

So for SS to exist for me and others to spend time in until the chosen end -- it's great to have and be part of. No one and no other place are comfortable enough to talk about what we go through and what we want for ourselves. I really can't talk about suicide outside of this community it seems.

This is a special place. Almost like group therapy.

 

[SamTam33]

I will never understand people like the gaming 'friend.'

To me, her actions suggest that she's fine with not knowing if you're alive or dead.

I don't get that. Being perfectly ok with never interacting with you again. It doesn't compute in my brain.

I don't like the feeling of regret; that feeling of things left unspoken.

So there's no way I'm letting my friend go out alone. I would be with you up until the very end: reminiscing, trying to make you laugh and feel loved all the way up to your final destination.

I don't get what's so hard about that. What's so hard about supporting the person, even if you don't support the choice.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's certainly true that it's for the best to not be open about wanting to die at all, as so many people won't even try to understand and I believe that for some people the thought of someone preferring death over life scares them and they don't even want to accept the fact that wanting suicide can certainly be a perfectly rational decision. It's unfortunate how suicide is so stigmatised but it's just the unfortunate reality of existing in this pro suffering society.