It seems people do care I just don't feel like I deserve it.

[Livingvsdying25]

CPTSD means that when I'm in a retraumatized state I am not able to see things with much accuracy especially interpersonal stuff. I acknowledge & am open amd honest about that with people around me.

My friend thats local called. Left a voicemail. I shared a very short message about being in pain or smthin yesterday. She replied in a way that in my retraumatized state read as not caring much. I shared that once I feel better im going to CTB. I just feel guilty now. My other friend as well will most likely be understanding & worried but... I haven't reactivated my messages settings so I dont kno.


But I feel likI dont deserve care bc of having like 8 diagnosis & more physical ones to add. Im too much. Its too much for me. So I just... while grateful I've been really wondering why anyone would want to be there for me. Knowing I'll experience suicidality often for example.


Like I just can't handle all of this. I think it's easier to to go through with CTB if I'm alone. Nah it def is. My parents/family raised me to believe that if im struggling alot I'll just be abandoned. My friends have recently shown me that that isn't true. But its a core belief that will take yrs to change.

I feel guilty for the worry but honestly? I don't feel like I deserve it. Another negative core belief. Truthfully I just want my world & life to end so I'd rather not take anyone close to me along that ride....


Problem too is like I can most of the time identify when I'm in a retraumatized state but recently I've been coming to awareness how much my physical health issues trigger me. Im not used to being allowed to take care of / being aware of physical health issues so I didn't realize until recently & I'm still learning how much they impact mental health. CPTSD is very... sneaky sometimes. I feel less in retraumatized state today but not fully out.


Anyway just guilty rambles. I feel its best to stay away bc eitherway it'll hurt when im gone & causing pain to others kills me inside. It's like the very last thing I wanna do. Especially bc I enjoy the opposite, being there for others, supporting others etc...

Haaa I kinda hate myself rn.

 

[snowcloud9]

You can find people that are there for you, it's just that chances are they'll be similarly suicidal like you. Most neurotypicals wouldn't understand. It's not your fault that you have these conditions, it's not like anybody wants to be sick, that would be crazy.

If you kys but act distant from others soon before it, they will feel regret and wish that they had done something about your odd behavior change. It's best to stick to your usual routine, so people feel like they didn't miss an obvious warning sign and can grieve more easily.

I mean statistically you attempting suicide will make the people around you much more likely to attempt... it sounds like you care about what will happen after your death, are you ready to die yet? If you're not, we can try recovery together or we could make a plan to mitigate damage, I've done a lot of research of what people like to hear in suicide notes that helps them properly grieve and recover.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

You can find people that are there for you, it's just that chances are they'll be similarly suicidal like you. Most neurotypicals wouldn't understand. It's not your fault that you have these conditions, it's not like anybody wants to be sick, that would be crazy.

If you kys but act distant from others soon before it, they will feel regret and wish that they had done something about your odd behavior change. It's best to stick to your usual routine, so people feel like they didn't miss an obvious warning sign and can grieve more easily.

I mean statistically you attempting suicide will make the people around you much more likely to attempt... it sounds like you care about what will happen after your death, are you ready to die yet? If you're not, we can try recovery together or we could make a plan to mitigate damage, I've done a lot of research of what people like to hear in suicide notes that helps them properly grieve and recover.

Thnxxx for this reply, last week I was literally crying over what happens to those I care about after I die & not being there for them to my therapist.


I dunno if im ready to die tbh. I really don't want to keep suffering & trying to like bring ease within living is just sooo damn overwhelming? I dunno. Maybe I take on too much of it too.

Ig im kinda lucky to have people that to a degree understand suicidality. Which makes me feel extra guilty about tryna CTB.

i dunno yet if I wanna keep trying for recovery or wanting to CTB & tryna wrire a letter that can bring about some ease.

Im up for trying either together tho

 

[movinout17]

You can find people that are there for you, it's just that chances are they'll be similarly suicidal like you. Most neurotypicals wouldn't understand. It's not your fault that you have these conditions, it's not like anybody wants to be sick, that would be crazy.

If you kys but act distant from others soon before it, they will feel regret and wish that they had done something about your odd behavior change. It's best to stick to your usual routine, so people feel like they didn't miss an obvious warning sign and can grieve more easily.

I mean statistically you attempting suicide will make the people around you much more likely to attempt... it sounds like you care about what will happen after your death, are you ready to die yet? If you're not, we can try recovery together or we could make a plan to mitigate damage, I've done a lot of research of what people like to hear in suicide notes that helps them properly grieve and recover.

Can you message me about some of the research you made about mitigating damage?