Venting It never really goes away

[highjumping]

I plan on ending my life soon, the thought is back despite my efforts to get it to stop, I don't like being here on this earth. Comfort is temporary and the feeling of everything being okay never lasted long enough. I'm starting to heat voices again, I don't think my therapist takes it seriously.
The struggle with my body became worse recently, I want to fall back into my eating disorder.
Suffering is the only constant I ever had in my life, maybe that's why I find so much comfort in it, 5 months clean but doesn't get easier, it only gets worse.
My problems are a burden to everyone so I try not to talk about them, I know I'm annoying, the voices tell me I am so I believe it.
Summer has been going terrible, nobody in my real life wants me to be around so I sit in my room all day contemplating, planning.
Everyones life is going great and while I'm happy for the few people I talk to, I am also filled with envy. Sometimes I wish someone would give me a reason to live, some hope is till left for someone to save me but I don't think they ever will. I seek comfort in my own thoughts, in the image I created of others, I live in a world that isn't real but it's my only way to stay here for some time. I don't know when I will ctb, I don't know if I will wait a couple of months, a year, 2 years, who knows, all I know is that I will do it. Getting better doesn't seem to work, the thoughts are still there and the voices are as loud as ever.
My therapist said I have PTSD, I don't know what to do with that diagnosis, I don't care honestly.
I still can't talk about what happened to me and I don't think I ever will, I hate myself so much.
Thank you for allowing me to come back to this site once in a while to let out my thoughts, I love all of you.
I don't know how to deal with my thoughts anymore other than ctb and make them stop forever, I hope some people will miss me to be honest. I know that is selfish but they weren't there when I needed them the most, nobody was.

 

[MrDarkness]

I hate summer, everyone forgets I exist, I've been rotting in my room planning and fantasizing about my death, im sorry life has brought you to this point, I hope your able to find peace

 

[highjumping]

I hate summer, everyone forgets I exist, I've been rotting in my room planning and fantasizing about my death, im sorry life has brought you to this point, I hope your able to find peace

Summer is awful, my body can't handle sun for long so I can barely even go out

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really tiring what you are going through, it's dreadful how there is so much suffering in existing, existence certainly is too cruel. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Sweet Tart]

Summer is awful, my body can't handle sun for long so I can barely even go out

Same. I loved it as a kid but can't stand sweating and easily get overheated. Summer is misery.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

What you have to go through is really awful. I hope you can find peace!

 

[flightlessbutterfly]

If you are comfortable, have a hug, you need one. If not, just imagine a butterfly landing beside you.

Hey.. You've done a lot already. Take a breath. I'm so, so, sorry that you've had to live like that for so long and I'm so proud of you that you've made it this far. Whether you choose to leave or not, that is up to you. But no matter what you choose, please just know that your presence on this platform will be solidified, I promise to light a candle for you in return, so you know that you're not alone. And it's okay to feel that way. Just remember to breathe, okay?

 

[suicidalloser]

I can't stand winter with all the snow and vincent making me shovel his driveway to not get ticketed.

 

[Aisley]

These thoughts never go away. They get back-shelved, back-burnered, back-whatevered, while something more interresting is there, but they're always waiting.
Relying on others to give you a reason is asking for a world of hurt, though. You give them that power, and they can take it away. If you want one, best to be the supplier, yourself. Not that I have any idea what that 'reason to go on' could be. Just, don't rest your whole validations on others, cuz others suck. And they don't know what's at stake here. Shit, even if they did, they would still make all the wrong calls.