It might be time to go soon. (1-2 years)

[just_erika]

I finally did it. I ordered SN. Hope it actually arrives.
But I have no idea when I will use it. I am giving myself some more time to figure things out. But the last few months have been particularly excrutiating again. I am constantly breaking down from my anxiety telling me that people hate me, that I am unloved and unworthy.
I feel especially bad that I have been creating a lot of stress for my gf who had some other stuff to figure out and I was completely lost not receiving any affection from her in that time.
My brain is just stupid and broken. I don't know if therapy will be able to fix anything at this point.

While contemplating this I also had an interesting thought. While my goal was always to go via SN, I have another idea now. keeping SN as a quick backup.
I have been getting into bouldering the last few months. And will soon do a climbing course with a friend. I could just continue to get into rock climbing. Lots of accidents that could happen there. Or just free climb and just let go at some point.
lots of scenarios with enough height to surely kill.
and it would feel like a very earned death

anyway that is just my ramblings for now. I have noone else that would listen to this.

 

[Some place nice]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Whichever one you choose it hope you have peace at the end.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck, it must be a relief knowing you will have the option of SN if things go to plan.