longingforrelease
Specialist
- Oct 27, 2018
- 381
A dear person asked me recently if I still wanted to CTB. Well, the truth is, I stumbled upon this place pretty sure I did. I was searching for ways to do so that would be both relatively low end on the distressing scale and most importantly for it to look like an accident. I have a daughter back in the states, who's been the only thing that kept me alive during the whole collapse of my life thing. But nothing got better when I got to Thailand I was lonelier, still carrying the shame, remore, regret and terrible sense of loss. So yeah, I think I was pretty determined that if I could find a way out that worked in those two ways, I'd do it. Here I found a thread called SHallow Water black out and the OP was really positive on it. Basically you hyperventilate before going into the water - swimming pool, ocean, even a bathtub ONce you hyperventilate enough to throw off the CO2 balance in your brain, it's supposed to help you blackout faster once you go under water and begin holding your breath. Passing out underwater means your body will seek to take that breath, but bring in only water and you drown, all while you're blacked out because of the CO2 imbalance.
So I thought I had found my method. I started journaling in a way that was basically, but not too obviously, a big suicide note to my daughter, letter her know how much i loved her, how much joy she brought me and how sorry I was for having been responsible for the breakup of her family. After my death my folks would presumably be given possession of my effects, and when they saw the contents of the journal they would give it to my daughter. This way she could have something from me, but still believe it was an accidental death, because my research discovered that the trauma of a parental suicide is way worse, way more complex and much longer lasting than the grief experienced when a child loses a parent to an accident. Well then the OP on that thread came back and said it's bullshit, does not work, really apologized for hyping it, and had it deleted. So I lost my method and well, I actually started feeling better, I think, as a result of sharing my story here and getting all that shit out, even anonymously. So I guess I started to back away from the idea.
But I'm here again. My past caught up with me. My university discovered that they had never done a background check on me, and a quick internet search turned up stuff that caused them grave concern. So the rector brought in me, praised my work here, but told me what was up and that they have a strict policy that a felony conviction would bar be from the classroom - that I would be fired. Well I knew in my heart that I had nothing to fear: The charges were dismissed after the judge heard how my doctor's prescriptions of enormous dosages of Ritalin -- which apparently every doctor in the world but him knows that prescribing even normal amounts of Ritalin to a bipolar patient is sure to spark a massive mania -- had led a 15 year sober alcoholic to just start using meth. The court even ordered my charging records expunged. But I came clean anyway - told them everything, even though I know their search would not find anything. I just felt I had to start somewhere being open and honest about what happened to me. Well they confirmed the records I presented them with, the very things they would not have found -- and were happy to announce that I can keep my job.
But the wounds were re-opened. All that shame, humiliation, remore, loss, etc. Came flooding back. All this coming after the last couple of months in which my daughter appears more and more lost to me. She won't skype because it makes her miss me more. And all we have are texts and she rarely wants to do that and when she does it's just one word answers. SO it's become clear that losing my daughter, the thing I love more than anything or anyone in my life - the source of the greatest joys I've experienced in life, is the final installment of the payment for my sins. And, well, frankly, I just don't think I can pay it.
So I'm back here. I just sent my daughter a long text explaining that I want her to know how sorry I am for the pain the divorce caused her. That I was responsible for her pain. That as her daddy, my most important job was to protect her from the very kind of pain I infllicted on her. I just assured her that I will always regret what I did, and how completely I failed her. So it's spring break here, and tomorrow I'm going south of here to an island for some scuba diving. If the opportunity presents itself, and it doesn't look like I would endanger someone else in a rescue attempt, and I can work up the courage, I think I might take that way out. I guess I'll know for sure when i"m under water and faced with the decision. I honestly don't know which way it will go. I guess I'll have to wait and see. If I check out, I want to thank the people here who heard me out, read my stories, BELIEVED ME TO BE TELLING THE TRUTH, and offered sympathy and kindness and loving support.
Maybe this is just au revoir. But if it isn't. Good bye.
So I thought I had found my method. I started journaling in a way that was basically, but not too obviously, a big suicide note to my daughter, letter her know how much i loved her, how much joy she brought me and how sorry I was for having been responsible for the breakup of her family. After my death my folks would presumably be given possession of my effects, and when they saw the contents of the journal they would give it to my daughter. This way she could have something from me, but still believe it was an accidental death, because my research discovered that the trauma of a parental suicide is way worse, way more complex and much longer lasting than the grief experienced when a child loses a parent to an accident. Well then the OP on that thread came back and said it's bullshit, does not work, really apologized for hyping it, and had it deleted. So I lost my method and well, I actually started feeling better, I think, as a result of sharing my story here and getting all that shit out, even anonymously. So I guess I started to back away from the idea.
But I'm here again. My past caught up with me. My university discovered that they had never done a background check on me, and a quick internet search turned up stuff that caused them grave concern. So the rector brought in me, praised my work here, but told me what was up and that they have a strict policy that a felony conviction would bar be from the classroom - that I would be fired. Well I knew in my heart that I had nothing to fear: The charges were dismissed after the judge heard how my doctor's prescriptions of enormous dosages of Ritalin -- which apparently every doctor in the world but him knows that prescribing even normal amounts of Ritalin to a bipolar patient is sure to spark a massive mania -- had led a 15 year sober alcoholic to just start using meth. The court even ordered my charging records expunged. But I came clean anyway - told them everything, even though I know their search would not find anything. I just felt I had to start somewhere being open and honest about what happened to me. Well they confirmed the records I presented them with, the very things they would not have found -- and were happy to announce that I can keep my job.
But the wounds were re-opened. All that shame, humiliation, remore, loss, etc. Came flooding back. All this coming after the last couple of months in which my daughter appears more and more lost to me. She won't skype because it makes her miss me more. And all we have are texts and she rarely wants to do that and when she does it's just one word answers. SO it's become clear that losing my daughter, the thing I love more than anything or anyone in my life - the source of the greatest joys I've experienced in life, is the final installment of the payment for my sins. And, well, frankly, I just don't think I can pay it.
So I'm back here. I just sent my daughter a long text explaining that I want her to know how sorry I am for the pain the divorce caused her. That I was responsible for her pain. That as her daddy, my most important job was to protect her from the very kind of pain I infllicted on her. I just assured her that I will always regret what I did, and how completely I failed her. So it's spring break here, and tomorrow I'm going south of here to an island for some scuba diving. If the opportunity presents itself, and it doesn't look like I would endanger someone else in a rescue attempt, and I can work up the courage, I think I might take that way out. I guess I'll know for sure when i"m under water and faced with the decision. I honestly don't know which way it will go. I guess I'll have to wait and see. If I check out, I want to thank the people here who heard me out, read my stories, BELIEVED ME TO BE TELLING THE TRUTH, and offered sympathy and kindness and loving support.
Maybe this is just au revoir. But if it isn't. Good bye.
