Venting It just gets harder

[GentleJerk]

Living with growing pain and chronic illness that is getting worse everyday, feeling my body be slowly destroyed. Knowing I am barely strong enough to handle the now, let alone what the future will bring. Worrying about how bad it can get before I make the decision to leave this place...

Being affected by this pain and illness in a way that stops me from engaging in all the necessary activities of life, preventing me from being able to take care of basic responsibilities, losing the ability to look after my daughter...

Feeling like a complete failure right now, but also feeling like if I die, I will devastate my loved ones, and I will be even more of a failure because I won't be able to be a parent at all or help anyone anymore- yet knowing I am so unwell that I can't do that much atm anyway...

Going from being a happy, healthy, strong minded person, to being riddled with unbearable anxiety and depression, unable to do much more than shut myself in and waste away. Feeling as if I have a gun pointed at my head during every waking moment...

Being unable to do anything except force myself to distract as much as possible, because it is too much to bear once I get to thinking things. Letting myself and everyone else down...

Knowing that it's not going to get better, only worse...

Even thinking about the option of ctb, to at least save myself from the worst which would be yet to come...

It never seems to get any easier, only harder.

 

[Sanva]

It never seems to get any easier, only harder.

exactly. wish people would stop always saying "it's going to get better!" when they really have no idea. wish i had some advice or something but i don't. distraction is really the only thing there seems to be for me as well.

 

[Chinaski]

Living with growing pain and chronic illness that is getting worse everyday, feeling my body be slowly destroyed. Knowing I am barely strong enough to handle the now, let alone what the future will bring. Worrying about how bad it can get before I make the decision to leave this place...

Being affected by this pain and illness in a way that stops me from engaging in all the necessary activities of life, preventing me from being able to take care of basic responsibilities, losing the ability to look after my daughter...

Feeling like a complete failure right now, but also feeling like if I die, I will devastate my loved ones, and I will be even more of a failure because I won't be able to be a parent at all or help anyone anymore- yet knowing I am so unwell that I can't do that much atm anyway...

Going from being a happy, healthy, strong minded person, to being riddled with unbearable anxiety and depression, unable to do much more than shut myself in and waste away. Feeling as if I have a gun pointed at my head during every waking moment...

Being unable to do anything except force myself to distract as much as possible, because it is too much to bear once I get to thinking things. Letting myself and everyone else down...

Knowing that it's not going to get better, only worse...

Even thinking about the option of ctb, to at least save myself from the worst which would be yet to come...

It never seems to get any easier, only harder.

I don't have anything to substantively add here but I'm replying because a hugs emoji would not cut it, l understand pretty much every word you said in this post and l know how it is to be certain that things are never going to improve after being permanently robbed of all the positive aspects of existing. I really wish l could offer you more than just this useless reply, it's a horrible way to get by and l genuinely feel for you.

 

[GentleJerk]

exactly. wish people would stop always saying "it's going to get better!" when they really have no idea. wish i had some advice or something but i don't. distraction is really the only thing there seems to be for me as well.

I don't have anything to substantively add here but I'm replying because a hugs emoji would not cut it, l understand pretty much every word you said in this post and l know how it is to be certain that things are never going to improve after being permanently robbed of all the positive aspects of existing. I really wish l could offer you more than just this useless reply, it's a horrible way to get by and l genuinely feel for you.

Thank you... I mean that. I know there's really not much that can be said. Just being able to say this and have someone read it and understand what it's like, that acknowledgement and understanding means a lot. it's not a useless reply by any means. If you guys are going through something similar, you have my deepest regards and I've got so much respect for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can be very cruel and unfair. I can imagine it must be very horrible having to go through that, health problems are capable of torturing us and ruining our lives. It is sad to hear how much some people suffer. When things get worse it can be very dreadful. I'm sorry you have to deal with so much pain. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best in whatever happens.