Discussion It has to happen tonight [goodbye]

[itsbigbraintime]

So I've been reading this forum for a little bit, and I gotta say first of all I absolutely love how supportive everyone is towards each other. It restores a little of my faith in humanity, haha. In the short time I've been here, you guys have been great, and I guess I want to let you know that just in case tonight ends up being the night. I have my SN, antacid, pain med, and stuff. I was strongly considering downing it tonight at midnight or close to, but I gotta say, even though I hate existing, the closer that deadline comes, the more anxious and scared I am. I've already lowkey let someone know, knowing that they won't call anyone or try to save me (which is completely fine, they're a great friend), but I feel like if for some reason I don't go through with my plan, they'll think I'm just faking everything for attention. Are there any ways to relieve this? It's weird because I keep feeling worse and worse as it goes on, and it does nothing to make me want to stay alive. But at the same time, dying is the source of the anxiety,etc. Its just kinda sad knowing that the only way to get someone to genuinely understand that things are not okay is to die. Anyway, I'll be on here almost all day, so if this ends up being a goodbye thread, I'd love someone to talk to. Thanks again, y'all.

Update 4ish: In the middle of fasting. Getting kind of hungry, limiting myself to drinks.
Update 7:30PM: Time I'm shooting for is now 12am EST, getting a playlist of good songs together.
Update 8:00PM: So I've got my supplies ready, measured out my water, did a test of the SN on my blood and the like. Partially broke my fast, I ate two chips.

 

[elacnt]

I totally understand and feel you. And if you decide to end everything tonight or soon, I hope you have a peaceful journey

 

[itsbigbraintime]

I totally understand and feel you. And if you decide to end everything tonight or soon, I hope you have a peaceful journey

Thank you very much, I'm hoping to push past the fear and drift off to some of my favorite music.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey love. Yeah it really is sad that often ppl don't take u seriously until u do something drastic..do u feel 100% ready or is some of the anxiety possibly from uncertainty?

 

[Jean4]

I'm not trying to stop you, and I have no clue where you are. You said you may take SN this evening. Do you have an actual plan?

Do not feel you have to go through with it because you are afraid of what others may think if you back out. We understand your pain and believe you.

 

[itsbigbraintime]

Hey love. Yeah it really is sad that often ppl don't take u seriously until u do something drastic..do u feel 100% ready or is some of the anxiety possibly from uncertainty?

Without a doubt. I've never been 100% sure that I want to die. The concept of not existing is both peaceful and scary to me. But at the same time I don't want to have to wake up tomorrow and deal with the life that I never wanted, you know?

I'm not trying to stop you, and I have no clue where you are. You said you may take SN this evening. Do you have an actual plan?

Do not feel you have to go through with it because you are afraid of what others may think if you back out. We understand your pain and believe you.

Kind of. I've started a fast already, and provided I work up the courage to do so, I plan to take the SN drink tonight between like 10pm and midnight. I have no antiemetic so I'm a little worried about throwing up, but I'm hoping for the best. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't care what others think. I'd be seen as an even bigger coward than I already was. It's unfortunately not the first time I've notified a friend and not gone through with it. I guess I think that maybe if I tell someone I'm more obligated to do it, you know? It's very complicated.

 

[Jean4]

Without a doubt. I've never been 100% sure that I want to die. The concept of not existing is both peaceful and scary to me. But at the same time I don't want to have to wake up tomorrow and deal with the life that I never wanted, you know?

Kind of. I've started a fast already, and provided I work up the courage to do so, I plan to take the SN drink tonight between like 10pm and midnight. I have no antiemetic so I'm a little worried about throwing up, but I'm hoping for the best. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't care what others think. I'd be seen as an even bigger coward than I already was. It's unfortunately not the first time I've notified a friend and not gone through with it. I guess I think that maybe if I tell someone I'm more obligated to do it, you know? It's very complicated.

I do understand the obligation feeling. However, realize. You are obligated to do nothing you don't want to do. Your life. Your decision.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Without a doubt. I've never been 100% sure that I want to die. The concept of not existing is both peaceful and scary to me. But at the same time I don't want to have to wake up tomorrow and deal with the life that I never wanted, you know?

I understand..Do u feel like sharing a bit of what ur going thru n y u wanna end it?

ALSO, ur not obligated to ANYONE to end ur life, while they're still living!

 

[WEASEL1234]

So I've been reading this forum for a little bit, and I gotta say first of all I absolutely love how supportive everyone is towards each other. It restores a little of my faith in humanity, haha. In the short time I've been here, you guys have been great, and I guess I want to let you know that just in case tonight ends up being the night. I have my SN, antacid, pain med, and stuff. I was strongly considering downing it tonight at midnight or close to, but I gotta say, even though I hate existing, the closer that deadline comes, the more anxious and scared I am. I've already lowkey let someone know, knowing that they won't call anyone or try to save me (which is completely fine, they're a great friend), but I feel like if for some reason I don't go through with my plan, they'll think I'm just faking everything for attention. Are there any ways to relieve this? It's weird because I keep feeling worse and worse as it goes on, and it does nothing to make me want to stay alive. But at the same time, dying is the source of the anxiety,etc. Its just kinda sad knowing that the only way to get someone to genuinely understand that things are not okay is to die. Anyway, I'll be on here almost all day, so if this ends up being a goodbye thread, I'd love someone to talk to. Thanks again, y'all.

Pm if you need xx

 

[aet1999]

Hey I understand your pain, if you want to PM feel free. We don't even have to talk about this, we can talk about anything you want, even if its just so you can have one last normal conversation with someone x

 

[itsbigbraintime]

I feel like I don't even deserve the support, but I so appreciate it. You've no idea how much it means. Maybe it's because it's still a decent time away, but I'm still planning to do it tonight. I've gotten a shower, listened to some music. I'm much calmer than before, but the anxiety is still there.

I understand..Do u feel like sharing a bit of what ur going thru n y u wanna end it?

ALSO, ur not obligated to ANYONE to end ur life, while they're still living!

Yeah sure, it's not a particularly exciting story but yeah. I've always believed that life is inherently pointless, whether I saw that as a good or bad thing really just depended on the day. But recently I moved out from my parents' house and I'm living with a friend and his dad. Great people, they dont make me pay rent or anything. I work a full time job at a warehouse type place, and that's really about it. I'm not really passionate about any particular career type, or hobbies at this point. I'm just not comfortable with the idea that I have to spend the rest of my life doing something I don't like just so I can continue to exist. Ultimately, I guess I feel like a failure/disappointment. Not that I've cared for a while. Most days, I also get the feeling that my friends/family do care about me, but would never understand why I feel the way I do so it's pretty pointless explaining it to them.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Also, if they're a good friend, they should understand n welcome ur decision to stick around..

 

[aet1999]

I feel like I don't even deserve the support, but I so appreciate it. You've no idea how much it means. Maybe it's because it's still a decent time away, but I'm still planning to do it tonight. I've gotten a shower, listened to some music. I'm much calmer than before, but the anxiety is still there.

Yeah sure, it's not a particularly exciting story but yeah. I've always believed that life is inherently pointless, whether I saw that as a good or bad thing really just depended on the day. But recently I moved out from my parents' house and I'm living with a friend and his dad. Great people, they dont make me pay rent or anything. I work a full time job at a warehouse type place, and that's really about it. I'm not really passionate about any particular career type, or hobbies at this point. I'm just not comfortable with the idea that I have to spend the rest of my life doing something I don't like just so I can continue to exist. Ultimately, I guess I feel like a failure/disappointment. Not that I've cared for a while. Most days, I also get the feeling that my friends/family do care about me, but would never understand why I feel the way I do so it's pretty pointless explaining it to them.

i completely get this, for me, life just seems so long and drawn out and i honestly cant be bothered with it anymore. i just dont have any desire to carry on with it. i'm only 20 as well so to think about having to exist for longer makes me so anxious.
I am glad that you're feeling a bit better now though. Remember, we all deserve support and we all need it some times!

 

[Lostandfound7]

I feel like I don't even deserve the support, but I so appreciate it. You've no idea how much it means. Maybe it's because it's still a decent time away, but I'm still planning to do it tonight. I've gotten a shower, listened to some music. I'm much calmer than before, but the anxiety is still there.

Yeah sure, it's not a particularly exciting story but yeah. I've always believed that life is inherently pointless, whether I saw that as a good or bad thing really just depended on the day. But recently I moved out from my parents' house and I'm living with a friend and his dad. Great people, they dont make me pay rent or anything. I work a full time job at a warehouse type place, and that's really about it. I'm not really passionate about any particular career type, or hobbies at this point. I'm just not comfortable with the idea that I have to spend the rest of my life doing something I don't like just so I can continue to exist. Ultimately, I guess I feel like a failure/disappointment. Not that I've cared for a while. Most days, I also get the feeling that my friends/family do care about me, but would never understand why I feel the way I do so it's pretty pointless explaining it to them.

Ok I understand..n y do u feel like a disappointment? Again, if u don't mind opening up..

 

[itsbigbraintime]

i completely get this, for me, life just seems so long and drawn out and i honestly cant be bothered with it anymore. i just dont have any desire to carry on with it. i'm only 20 as well so to think about having to exist for longer makes me so anxious.
I am glad that you're feeling a bit better now though. Remember, we all deserve support and we all need it some times!

Thats exactly it, honestly. I'm sorry you're in the same boat, though.

Ok I understand..n y do u feel like a disappointment? Again, if u don't mind opening up..

I'm an open book lol. I'm 21 years old, so I always get questions like "why aren't you in college" or "what are you gonna do with the rest of your life?", and it really stresses me out because I don't want to do anything. The thought that I have to exist for so much longer is pretty depressing on its own. Every career or job I envision myself doing just creates anxiety in me. So compared to everyone else, yeah I'd say I've let some people down.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I'm an open book lol. I'm 21 years old, so I always get questions like "why aren't you in college" or "what are you gonna do with the rest of your life?", and it really stresses me out because I don't want to do anything. The thought that I have to exist for so much longer is pretty depressing on its own. Every career or job I envision myself doing just creates anxiety in me. So compared to everyone else, yeah I'd say I've let some people down.

I know at u mean! I used to haaaaate that! I ended up failing out of college the first semester. I don't believe college is for everyone. I loved makeup so I went to school for that n made a successful career for a few yrs, while working as the chief of staff for a neuro ophthalmologist..then recently went college yrs ago n now doing my doctorate..
For u, as an adult, tho many parents want their children to do the whole colleger thing, in the end, it's up to u..Maybe u can find a skill for now, something u enjoy n make it work for u..U r NOT a failure..
I was EXACTLY where u were at 21-clueless. N it's ok..Sometimes I still feel like idk! Ur not alone in this, as MANY others can testify..b easy on yourself n let no one dictate ur life♡

 

[itsbigbraintime]

I know at u mean! I used to haaaaate that! I ended up failing out of college the first semester. I don't believe college is for everyone. I loved makeup so I went to school for that n made a successful career for a few yrs, while working as the chief of staff for a neuro ophthalmologist..then recently went college yrs ago n now doing my doctorate..
For u, as an adult, tho many parents want their children to do the whole colleger thing, in the end, it's up to u..Maybe u can find a skill for now, something u enjoy n make it work for u..U r NOT a failure..
I was EXACTLY where u were at 21-clueless. N it's ok..Sometimes I still feel like idk! Ur not alone in this, as MANY others can testify..b easy on yourself n let no one dictate ur life♡

Wow, that sounds pretty impressive! You know I looked into some trades not too long ago, like welding, HVAC, and things like that. Seemed interesting enough, but again it requires school and I don't think I could make it. Pretty sure I'll be right back in the same boat no matter what I do. Tbh, music was always the one thing that I think I'd have loved doing, but of course being a successful musician requires a ton of luck in addition to work. I just have the feeling that I was destined for suicide.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Wow, that sounds pretty impressive! You know I looked into some trades not too long ago, like welding, HVAC, and things like that. Seemed interesting enough, but again it requires school and I don't think I could make it. Pretty sure I'll be right back in the same boat no matter what I do. Tbh, music was always the one thing that I think I'd have loved doing, but of course being a successful musician requires a ton of luck in addition to work. I just have the feeling that I was destined for suicide.

My nephew (30) recently came out of federal prison n is doing HVAC now n really likes it..He hated school n ended up selling drugs, $ laundering. Did 7 yrs fed time n was released in Aug n lives with me now..u never know..
Y don't u think u can make it in HVAC??

 

[Soul]

Watch what you drink, @itsbigbraintime — vitamin C acts as an antidote to SN, so if you decide to bow out tonight you shouldn't be drinking anything with vitamin C.

I'm sorry you're contemplating this. Making a living playing music is really tricky, but taking joy in making music is a brilliant gift. What instruments do you play? and what types of music? Could you be happy making music but earning a living doing something else? It's your decision of course but it keeps sounding like ... not yet.

I empathise totally about telling a friend and feeling "obligated" — but don't fret about that. Your friend wouldn't want you to die out of sense of obligation to him, would he? So don't let that happen. There's no rush, right? x

 

[itsbigbraintime]

Watch what you drink, @itsbigbraintime — vitamin C acts as an antidote to SN, so if you decide to bow out tonight you shouldn't be drinking anything with vitamin C.

I'm sorry you're contemplating this. Making a living playing music is really tricky, but taking joy in making music is a brilliant gift. What instruments do you play? and what types of music? Could you be happy making music but earning a living doing something else? It's your decision of course but it keeps sounding like ... not yet.

I empathise totally about telling a friend and feeling "obligated" — but don't fret about that. Your friend wouldn't want you to die out of sense of obligation to him, would he? So don't let that happen. There's no rush, right? x

That's a good call, thank you. I'm just finishing a bottle of Dr Pepper rn. I primarily play the guitar, but I also started singing a while ago. And you know, Im not sure. Making music is great, but if I'm being honest creativity is not my forte. While I do feel that obligation still, it's not as strong. I've started focusing on other reasons, and I'm becoming more sure of my decision. Doesn't mean I'm not anxious or frightened, but yeah. It's comforting to have people like you and the other members of the community around. I appreciate you listening to my life story (sort of) and not being judgemental.

 

[enjoy]

hugs to you.

 

[woxihuanni]

I wish you peace whatever you choose to do. But please don't feel obligated, rushed or in any way pressured to go through if you get any misgivings. The bus is always possible to catch later on.

 

[MsMaudlin]

Sending love & strength ❤

 

[TAW122]

I wish you the best and peace for your last hours in this world. May you have a peaceful transition into the void.

 

[itsbigbraintime]

Thank you all for your support! I've got everything ready as it will ever be. I had a tiny bit of my SN to taste, and its possible I'm paranoid but I'm slightly disoriented. It could also be from not eating.

 

[Jean4]

Thank you all for your support! I've got everything ready as it will ever be. I had a tiny bit of my SN to taste, and its possible I'm paranoid but I'm slightly disoriented. It could also be from not eating.

Is there anything we can do for you?

 

[itsbigbraintime]

Is there anything we can do for you?

Just being here means so much to me, thank you. I love you all. I'm a little drowsy as well, if this keeps up im going to quickly make and take the drink.

 

[Iloveyouall]

I may sound disrespectful but it's not my intent at all. I find your post kind of absurd but not in a bad way, in a very funny and clever way actually, it makes me think of a character the Monty Python could have wrote or something. You don't seem depressed or sad about life, you don't even seem hateful about the world. I imagine someone telling you "Hey do you want to go for an epic adventure ? That might be dangerous, things can go wrong but it can also be really exciting and joyful too ! It's called LIFE !" and you would just shrug and reply "Mmmmm no thanks, not interested, it seems very needy and boring for not that much in the end.". That's not coward, that's genius. Correct me if I misunderstood your perspective of course.

music was always the one thing that I think I'd have loved doing, but of course being a successful musician requires a ton of luck in addition to work.

You don't need to be famous to be a musician. You don't even have to be creative, you can play stuff from others, you'll still be a musician. It requires a lot of work of course and making a living from it is pretty hard but if you love playing and singing, that's the main thing.

I wish you wouldn't feel guilt or pressure from other if you don't ctb. It's the most important decision of your life and it only concerns you, it's your choice, no matter what others think. I want to thank you, I was feeling a little down and I don't know why, reading your post gave me kind of a peaceful "joy" or something. It's pretty hard to explain as I don't even know how to word it. It makes me feel sad that you'll probably end your life but you seem pretty at peace and resolved about the idea, excepting the fact that you feel anxious and all of course. I actually hope you'll reconsider or at least postpone, there is no rush at all. If you don't feel completely comfortable with it, even at the last moment, you can stop, you always can ctb later or even never. It's your choice. Thank you again. Sending you loads of love.

I wish you peace no matter your choose.

 

[itsbigbraintime]

I may sound disrespectful but it's not my intent at all. I find your post kind of absurd but not in a bad way, in a very funny and clever way actually, it makes me think of a character the Monty Python could have wrote or something. You don't seem depressed or sad about life, you don't even seem hateful about the world. I imagine someone telling you "Hey do you want to go for an epic adventure ? That might be dangerous, things can go wrong but it can also be really exciting and joyful too ! It's called LIFE !" and you would just shrug and reply "Mmmmm no thanks, not interested, it seems very needy and boring for not that much in the end.". That's not coward, that's genius. Correct me if I misunderstood your perspective of course.


You don't need to be famous to be a musician. You don't even have to be creative, you can play stuff from others, you'll still be a musician. It requires a lot of work of course and making a living from it is pretty hard but if you love playing and singing, that's the main thing.

I wish you wouldn't feel guilt or pressure from other if you don't ctb. It's the most important decision of your life and it only concerns you, it's your choice, no matter what others think. I want to thank you, I was feeling a little down and I don't know why, reading your post gave me kind of a peaceful "joy" or something. It's pretty hard to explain as I don't even know how to word it. It makes me feel sad that you'll probably end your life but you seem pretty at peace and resolved about the idea, excepting the fact that you feel anxious and all of course. I actually hope you'll reconsider or at least postpone, there is no rush at all. if you don't feel completely comfortable with it, even at the last moment, you always can ctb later or even never. It's your choice. Thank you again. Sending you loads of love.

I wish you peace no matter your choose.

Thank you for making me laugh for the first time tonight! That top part is hilarious, but probably pretty accurate. If I do not ctb tonight, it will most likely be soon. Though the slight effects of the sn (im supposing) have me feeling better about the decision. I genuinely think it'll be okay. I'm ready for it. Love to you as well!

 

[Iloveyouall]

Thank you for making me laugh

My pleasure :)
I wish you safe travel my friend.