Venting It has to be soon.

[777]

I took less than a week off from being on this site, disabled my account awaiting permanent deletion, but decided to cancel the deactivation due to the inevitability of me wanting to come back on here. I was intending to actually recover, but so far I have a scheduled therapy appointment and refuse to take any psychiatric medication that was prescribed to me in the past or any that they will try to push me in the future. I was honestly in limbo, but I am going to 100 percent do it due to my family situation getting worse and my mental health deteriorating as we speak. My working memory is also a huge plight for me as it is so unbelievably bad.

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My family resents me. A couple of days ago I decided since I have nobody else to talk to, I would confide in my mom about my suicidal ideations. Shitty idea. After talking to her, she got extremely upset and kind of blamed me for dragging the family down. My dad knows about it after my mom tried to start an argument with me, but he didn't care as he thinks it'll blow over soon. It won't though. I have pretty much made it my goal to just ctb as soon as i possibly can. Whenever i attain the supplies needed, i will finally have some sense of peace and refuge from this life. If only leaving this earth was an inalienable right that could be provided to us, instead I'll have to settle for drinking meat preservatives.

I am really stressed out and I don't have the best writing abilities, so thank you for reading this. I have had ongoing brain fog and sleep deprivation for months and it's making my writing a lot worse.

 

[MovingOn]

Your writing was fine. Clear, logical. You didn't capitalize all "I"s but who cares.
Can you just cut contact with your family and live your own life somehow? What do you want to do, other people be damned? Exhaust all options -- truly exhaust all options before CTB.

 

[777]

Your writing was fine. Clear, logical. You didn't capitalize all "I"s but who cares.
Can you just cut contact with your family and live your own life somehow? What do you want to do, other people be damned? Exhaust all options -- truly exhaust all options before CTB.

Thank you. Unfortunately right now I can't. I am not financially stable enough to afford a home. Also, right now I am going to take therapy seriously, and try to be vulnerable with my therapist (without disclosing too much about my suicidal tendencies). A doctor might also be able to help me with my ongoing memory/cognitive issued that may have ensued because of depression, anxiety, and a sedentary lifestyle.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think that in general, it's best not to be open about the subject of suicide to others. Those who don't understand in any way could easily just make things worse for us. But of course it's so wrong how suicide is so stigmatised in this world and how our right to die is not respected. There is nothing wrong with leaving this world after all, and I do get that when life continues to get worse it can be so awful and tiring. But I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[777]

I just think that in general, it's best not to be open about the subject of suicide to others. Those who don't understand in any way could easily just make things worse for us. But of course it's so wrong how suicide is so stigmatised in this world and how our right to die is not respected. There is nothing wrong with leaving this world after all, and I do get that when life continues to get worse it can be so awful and tiring. But I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

Yes, that is why I realized I made a mistake of great magnitude. I didn't even consider how my parents are what we would consider "pro-life" and I was just met with unkind words, that didn't make me feel heard or empathized with at all. It was really just a last effort to try and find somebody, just somebody that I could speak to that could comprehend my situation at hand. It's really all I need from someone else in this lonely world, so I am growing to be more misanthropic as time goes by. Thank you for your kind words, and it is always delightful to read your posts as I almost 100% agree with your perspectives.

 

[TydalWave]

I don't think it's a mistake to trust your loved ones like you did. Especially when you are not in the right state of mind, everything feels foggy and all you can think about is how awful you feel. I know personally I feel so much guilt and shame in not telling my family and it would be therapeutic to at least have that off my chest.

That being said, this is a big reason most of us found this site. We all need someone to talk to, and most of the time the people closest in our lives just don't understand what we are going through or what we need in the moment.

 

[Silent.Tears]

You write well, definitely better than me. Can I just take a moment and applaud you for opening up to your mom. It takes a lot of courage to speak about this particular topic, especially with parents. And I'm so sorry man that you were met with unkind words. But you know what, none of it is your fault. A single person can't bring a family down. I hope you're not blaming yourself.
Good to know you are going to go to therapy. Good luck!

 

[Hurt]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Guess the majority of people here feel like this. I feel like this too. I hope you can feel better soon.