It gets worse.

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Each successive depressive episode I have gets more intense; more difficult to deal with. I'm crying every day again. My sense of hopelessness increases. My mother, my husband, my friends, even my puppy — they bring me no comfort. In fact, most of the time they frustrate me. They disappoint me because they can't do enough to save me. I don't know why that disappoints me; it's not their fault. They couldn't possibly do enough.

I want to be alone all the time, but I don't ever want to be alone. It makes no sense, but it's my reality. I want to die, but I want to live. I just don't want to live like this. This isn't really living, to be honest. The brain and heart are still functioning, but the soul is dead. I'm dead already. I just need to finish the job. I'd be doing the world a favor. The sooner they can forget me the better.

My brain floods my thoughts with the images and memories of my persecutors. I'm bombarded with mental messages of my inadequacies, faults, and poor decisions. It tells me I deserve to die. It tells me I shouldn't be here; that the world will in fact be better.

And I want nothing more than to hurt those who hurt me. I need to kill their soul too, before I kill my body. I need them to feel my pain. I need them to know they murdered me. But maybe that means little to them. I think of them constantly. They probably never think of me.

It gets worse every time. I really don't want to endure it anymore. If I stay, I know I'll get out of this episode and I'll feel okay for a little while again. But then the next episode will come without warning. And it'll be worse. And how much can I take, really?

 

[Wayfaerer]

I can relate to a lot of what you say, particularly the wanting to be alone but not, at the same time and wanting to hurt those who hurt you. CTB won't be doing the world a favor, it'll be still be shit with or without us.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Same for me. I've fucked it up so bad today. I can't function in this world anymore.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Yup. Last time at the bottom I told my friends that the next time would probably be the last. We're there now...

 

[falloutcarter13]

I want to be alone all the time, but I don't ever want to be alone.

Only a person with true depression could ever understand this. I'm so sorry for how life has treated you, I totally understand how you feel ((hug))

This reminded me of that Bush song Glycerin and I thought the lyrics rate as today's custom title

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I relate to every single thing you wrote. I feel like I wrote that myself. I wish I had advice but I'm literally in the exact same situation. I understand how you feel though. Sending you hugs.

 

[falloutcarter13]

Negativity is trying to convince you to end your life and is pressuring you to do it. Fight back and do not allow negativity to do these things to you. You need to work on mentality and try to start off by being more optimistic.

Okay, you're not getting it. You are in the wrong place my friend, either change your message or leave. It may not even be your choice in the end, your misguided activism has gotten you reported.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Okay, you're not getting it. You are in the wrong place my friend, either change your message or leave. It may not even be your choice in the end, your misguided activism has gotten you reported.

I've also reported them. Been commenting pro life crap under most of the threads

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I've found the same things really. Panic attacks are getting worse, stress is getting more constant, I have less motivation and my life is slowly falling apart. The worst part is I lack the energy to do anything about it. I just want my life to end.

 

[falloutcarter13]

I've also reported them. Been commenting pro life crap under most of the threads

All these morons do is try to force their own attitudes and beliefs on people at a time when that's the last thing they need. Ridiculous that someone in their last extremities to the point where they're here has to deal with that shit. Does he really think two cliche sentences are going to make a person go "oh gee think positive...I never thought of that! I'll be able to go on and lead a happy and productive life now!" Pure ignorance.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Thanks for your comments, everyone. I got through today, but just barely. I want to sleep, but insomnia has prevented me from doing that for three of the last seven nights. My body and brain are exhausted but they won't let me rest.

Awaiting that perfect, final rest.

 

[stationarymillennial]

I don't have anything substantial to add, but I was just reading your post, chewing my depression meal of cookies and coke, and nodding my head at literally every line. We're not doing great, but at least we're not doing great together. Hope you can get some sleep sometime soon, OP <3

 

[NekoNomNom]

Very eloquently said. It's almost as if I could have written this myself.

I am so sorry that you are feeling this pain. I wish that I could take it from you.

 

[Bauhaus]

I want to be alone all the time, but I don't ever want to be alone.

I understand perfectly. When you feel bad and depressed you want to be alone but loneliness aggravates the situation. It's a catch22.
The problem is people don't understand how you truly feel but expect you to behave like a person who doesn't have depression or other "psychological" problems.
I often feel like walking on eggshells when talking to other people, hence I avoid them.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I began this week with one of those moments of clarity. I knew this was going to be my final week. I had worked it all out in my mind. Whatever life was left in my marriage had been draining. My mother's mental capabilities were deteriorating and becoming too much of a challenge for me. My job was still unfulfilling, and the prospects of returning to a career in the area of my passions looked increasingly dim. Furthermore, I had experienced some truly anxious moments last week that reminded me of how I was likely to spend the rest of my life. It was all too much. Add my own self-hatred into the mix and it was a perfect storm. I wanted to die. It was the only realistic peaceful path.

Fast forward to this afternoon. I found myself actually looking at job postings, thinking about a different future. HOPE! It always seems to show up after I've supposedly made up my mind. Maybe it was right to hope. Maybe there was a chance for the happy family life for which I had always dreamed.

And then things fell apart. My husband and I had a major fight. I left the house. He intentionally made a scene in front of the neighbors. I'm staying at a friend's place tonight. Don't think I can go to work tomorrow.

I'm now more resolved than ever. How dare Hope try to fool me again. I'm sure it'll try again, maybe just when I'm about to drink the SN solution. I'll think, "But what if..." The reality will be, though, that it only gets worse. Time to end the cycle.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

You said this so so well, I have nothing to add.

 

[builtwrong]

The way I always thought of my emotions through my life was in cycles, with phases of depression, but as those phases of depression swallowed up the whole cycle it looped back upon itself and I went from alright most of the time and depressed sometimes to depressed all the time and wracked with suicidal ideation sometimes. And of course, it just kept/keeps getting worse