Venting It feels so difficult knowing I'll be missed

[Melancholys]

I plan to CTB eventually next month, but all I can think about until the inevitable is how I'm going to hurt those around me by going through with it. Even with everything planned out, it hurts inside my head. I've always been the type of person to try to make everyone happy and do my best for people to make them smile, and the thought of making everyone sad going through with it breaks me inside even more. I can't live with this searing intense pain in my mind, the trauma I've been through, it's too much, but even then I don't want to make anyone else feel bad either from my passing. It feels like maybe it's my brain trying to push me away from doing it, but I know if I keep going I'm just going to be in more and more pain and suffer, and that's not really worth it, I have to prioritize myself and letting myself be finally free from this suffering. I just hope at least they'll understand and know I took a peaceful way, and that I'm finally not in pain anymore. I'm hoping they'll understand and not be pissed at me for it, I feel like I don't deserve to have the people I do around me, like they deserve someone better.

I have stuff I want to do one last time with them, experiences I want to have. Things I want to do before I'm gone. I don't feel like I could tell them directly I'm going to go through with it, they'd call the police; so I haven't, but god does it hurt inside being all alone with it, nobody to talk to yknow.

I plan to just CTB in a hotel room I'm going to book for a night, and take SN. I just hope the people around me don't break too hard. All that seems to come every day is more pain and more of an internal battle even to stay alive in my head, every day is like a war I'm fighting to keep going, and that's war never changes.

 

[imontheloose]

I wish you peace. You didn't ask to be here, so try not to feel guilty that you are exercising delayed consent withdrawal after being forced into it. <3

 

[yotaka]

I'm sorry. It is an awful intersection to be at: take the one road and devastate your loved ones, take the other road and continue to live in agony. Whichever way you go, I wish you peace.

 

[krsm98]

im sry that life has come to such a point :(
it is truly a hard to choose a path that will end up hurting the people around you, but either way, if you dont u end up having to battle everyday and suffer just by being alive, so if you end up going through with that path i wish you are abke to find that peace you have been looking for wish u the best :)

(btw gotta love your signalis pfp, truly an amazing game)