Venting It feels like the only thing stopping me is my husband and I Hate it

[SHThrowAway213]

So, my husband has depression and anxiety. He's also going through a bad time at the moment.
Sometimes it feels like the only reason I've stopped myself from making a proper attempt or jumping is because I'm worried about what it would do to him.
He doesn't try to but he makes me feel guilty about my thoughts, espelly my last attempt.
I really want to try hanging myself again, or try a more lethal method like jumping, but he's stopping me, and I absoulty hate the fact I can't get past this.
I'm fucking stuck here

 

[Faraway1990]

I understand how you feel especially when things get dark and I just want to CTB. I was really close not long ago I had everything set up and was 5 minutes from ending it and I got a text from my oh who I hadn't heard from in a long while for reasons we started talking and now the only thing that stops me is knowing it probably destroy her if I CTB I'm happy and trying to push forward most of the time now but sometimes I think about it because it feels pointless I just can't. I hope you find peace on your journey friend.

 

[marcusuk63]

The only thing stopping him might be because he`s worried about what it would do to you ??

 

[Ivenocare]

I know how you feel, I haven't attempted in awhile because of my family; feels like we are prisoners, not living for our self but for another.

 

[not_a_robot]

The only thing stopping him might be because he`s worried about what it would do to you ??

I can't imagine getting married for any reason except to ctb together.

 

[Empty Smile]

I haven't figured out what's been stopping me. My gf left the world almost 5 years ago, and it wasn't by her own doing either.

 

[Faraway1990]

I haven't figured out what's been stopping me. My gf left the world almost 5 years ago, and it wasn't by her own doing either.

That's horrible I imagine you've probably had to deal with the same bs I did "you should go out get laid get over it" etc from insensitive people who don't have a clue. You have nothing but my sympathy for the hell that can make you experience.

 

[Empty Smile]

That's horrible I imagine you've probably had to deal with the same bs I did "you should go out get laid get over it" etc from insensitive people who don't have a clue. You have nothing but my sympathy for the hell that can make you experience.

Actually no, sadly...

I hit complete rock bottom when that happened. What do people do when you really need them? They scatter.

Since hitting that bottom, it's been me. I had gotten to the point that I shut everyone out. The only people I associate with irl now, are a couple members of my family, and who I have to deal with at work.

 

[Faraway1990]

Actually no, sadly...

I hit complete rock bottom when that happened. What do people do when you really need them? They scatter.

Since hitting that bottom, it's been me. I had gotten to the point that I shut everyone out. The only people I associate with irl now, are a couple members of my family, and who I have to deal with at work.

I hit rock bottom in 2016 when something happened to my partner of strong on and off (never not in love) 10 years and i thought I lost her Fu** me if she actually died I have no idea how you've made it through. You've done well no matter what your life circumstances are making it through that is not a thing easily done my friend I understand the mountain.

 

[Empty Smile]

I hit rock bottom in 2016 when something happened to my partner of strong on and off (never not in love) 10 years and i thought I lost her Fu** me if she actually died I have no idea how you've made it through. You've done well no matter what your life circumstances are making it through that is not a thing easily done my friend I understand the mountain.

It's definitely been an emotional roller coaster ride for me. I had dealt with depression long before this happened, and this put the final nail in the coffin.

Been to mental units, therapists, group therapy, meds... But it always brings me back to where I am. Whenever I start getting a step ahead, something will knock me back 10 steps. So I have basically given up. I don't even try anymore.

 

[Faraway1990]

It's definitely been an emotional roller coaster ride for me. I had dealt with depression long before this happened, and this put the final nail in the coffin.

Been to mental units, therapists, group therapy, meds... But it always brings me back to where I am. Whenever I start getting a step ahead, something will knock me back 10 steps. So I have basically given up. I don't even try anymore.

I hear ya since 2016 when I hit rock bottom I lost everything my money I had to sell most of everything I had because I just couldn't work or anything losing the only good thing in your life after years of shit...... I've really tried since then to get back on my feet but the craziest shit just knocks me back, most recently I lost a job (straight after moving I was informed they no longer require me.) I scrambled to find another job in the area and I did and after things were finally looking up they let me go because "I was acting unprofessional in the work place." I worked agency apparently it's unprofessional when you've finished your work to go to the admin and ask about permanent vacancies. Things have just been down hill since then. 2016 no matter how much I try I just can't seem to escape it. I've decided to try one last time but have everything I need to CTB if I feel it going to Shi* again. Because I have some dam self respect and I'm done with that state of survival.

Sorry for the long read.

 

[Empty Smile]

I hear ya since 2016 when I hit rock bottom I lost everything my money I had to sell most of everything I had because I just couldn't work or anything losing the only good thing in your life after years of shit...... I've really tried since then to get back on my feet but the craziest shit just knocks me back, most recently I lost a job (straight after moving I was informed they no longer require me.) I scrambled to find another job in the area and I did and after things were finally looking up they let me go because "I was acting unprofessional in the work place." I worked agency apparently it's unprofessional when you've finished your work to go to the admin and ask about permanent vacancies. Things have just been down hill since then. 2016 no matter how much I try I just can't seem to escape it. I've decided to try one last time but have everything I need to CTB if I feel it going to Shi* again. Because I have some dam self respect and I'm done with that state of survival.

Sorry for the long read.

Your long reads don't bother me. It's what this site is for, to help get shit off your chest.

I know all too well what you're feeling. Some people have it, others, like us, were dealt a hand of shit and misery.

That sucks you moved to a new location, got settled in and suddenly, the company decided they didn't need you.

This is why I've come to the conclusion that if I fail to ctb, I will remain in the woods and never come back out. I will let nature decide when she wants to eliminate me from earth.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

The only thing stopping him might be because he`s worried about what it would do to you ??

Luckily for him, he doesn't actually struggle with suicidal thoughts.
But I do get your point, he might not be completely honest with me too

I know how you feel, I haven't attempted in awhile because of my family; feels like we are prisoners, not living for our self but for another.

This is exactly how I feel.
It feels terrible knowing I'm trapped here, and the only reason I'm still alive is that other people sorta force me to be

 

[Pilum Muralis]

My husband is why I stay. When I met my now husband, I wasn't as miserable as I am now. We were in our late 20s, and he was a good Christian boy. I thought, what the hell, maybe this is what I needed in my life now. I ended my almost 10 year relationship with a guy that was big into Having a Dom/sub where I was sub, and physically abused (it was consensual..he wasn't abusive outside of the sessions). The D/s relationship was actually my idea.

We just celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary , and I don't regret marrying him, however at the same time I wish I were single. He loves me, no matter how rotten I am, how I get. He's supportive, even though he doesn't understand what I'm going through. I feel horrible having a great guy, when so many people don't have any support whatsoever. I feel I'm taking my life, and him for granted. I feel guilty because some days I resent him for being so kind to me. On really bad days I hate him, for making me stay. He would be utterly crushed if I were to cbt. How could I do that to him, after him being nothing but caring and kind? I don't find suicide selfish, but for me personally, it would be terribly selfish of me to hurt him like that.