It feels like fate at this point…

[BarnabasCollins]

So long story short, I was raped at 11 and abused mentally and emotionally (and borderline physically by my father) by both parents. I've suffered from major depression all my life. I was bullied relentlessly as a child and never really felt like I fit anywhere.

I'm going through an extremely expensive and vicious divorce. I never cheated or abused her. I went through a really bad depression and she got freaked out. Threw me out and is now dragging my mental health through the mud, making false allegations, and doing everything to keep me from my 15-month old son. It's extreme and I don't get why she hates me so much, but here we are.

She will keep this up for the rest of my life. She will raise my son to hate me. I can't live with that.

I always thought I'd ctb by 40. I turned 40 this year. On a whim, I found this site a couple months ago and found a source for SN (that has since been taken down - I got the SN literally a week before it happened). I got a bad virus around that time and was prescribed antiemetics. It feels like everything has fallen into place. Like it's fate for me to ctb now.

I don't believe in fate, God, or anything supernatural, so it's a strange feeling.

I don't want to leave my son, but with the stigma in the legal system against mental health issues and my ex's vow to raise him to hate me, it feels like I've already lost him. And if I do it now, he won't remember. The pain for him will be lessened.

This is my first post so I'm not really sure what to say. I think I'll do another couple of visits with my son, say goodbye, and then ctb probably around Christmas.

Anyway, thanks in advance for taking the time to read this. Everyone seems to be really caring and considerate here (I've been lurking for a while).

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really awful what you've been through, I hate how many humans are so unnecessarily cruel and create so much suffering. But anyway I wish you the best of luck with your plans.

 

[Some place nice]

I am truly sorry that you are suffering so much. I hope you have a peaceful end.

 

[mia_qwerty]

Sorry for your pain. I'm sad for your son to lose his dad. Im also planning to go at xmas. If I can get SN.

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

If you are in an romantic relationship with a woman, transwoman - almost all of them perceive kindness, tenderness, caring as weakness. their destroy program is triggered. they completely want to destroy you without mercy. And, unfortunately, almost all of them want those who wipe their feet on them and do not value them at all. It's sad, but that's how their core works.


I'm sorry you had to deal with all this cruelty in your life.

 

[hi-okbye]

i'm so sorry your wife is being so mean, as well as what you've gone through in the past, people can be horrible sometimes. i hope you can find the peace you've been searching for. good luck <3

 

[BarnabasCollins]

Thanks, everyone, for the kind words. I really appreciate it. You remind me that kindness is out there.

 

[BarnabasCollins]

I may move up the date to next week after Thanksgiving. Is there anyone else planning at that time? Maybe we could provide support for each other in the lead-up. Thanks again, everyone.

 

[hi-okbye]

I may move up the date to next week after Thanksgiving. Is there anyone else planning at that time? Maybe we could provide support for each other in the lead-up. Thanks again, everyone.

yes actually! your a new member so you cant pm but if you want to you can to me when you able to.
i'm hoping to go before the end of this month, so probably the week after thanksgiving :)

 

[BarnabasCollins]

I'd like that. I'll definitely do that once I can. Thanks! I wish you the best and hope you find peace, too.