Stardustheaven
Member
- Jul 24, 2023
- 8
A few years ago i probably wouldn't have cared, but recently A lot of the people i used to talk to every day has distanced themselves from me because it's obvious that i'm just getting worse and they're all tired of seeing me hurt myself or shit talk myself incessantly. Ever since i got domestically abused a few years ago i've been in a constant mental fog, probably some form of PTSD, and sometimes it feels like I'm really just prolonging this suffering. i Tell my family about all of this and they don't even believe that im suffering or that i was even attacked/put in the hospital. I even showed my mom my SI scars and she just didn't have any reaction other than saying it was my fault and that i'm Milking my problems for sympathy or whatever. I've never truly felt as alone as i do now and i hate how much my familys rejection lives in my head, it's like a constant reminder i wasn't wanted here in the first place. I made an attempt on my life around a year ago (a foolish one, all that happened was i failed and had to get my stomach pumped) and i just feel as though everything in my life is coming to a grinding halt. i thought that i was getting better and even had a talent i was indulging in, but now i can't even focus on any of the artistic pursuits that i once filled my life with because it all feels like a distraction from the train wreck that my life is. The only person who takes me seriously even slightly is my partner, but they're just as depressed as i am and i feel like im making their problems worse when i cry my eyes out and tell them the horrible way i was treated this week, whether by my family or whatever stranger decided to call me a faggot and laugh. Everything just goes around in a circle and i see the shame from everybody and i know theres this disappointment because i COULD have done and been so much more but all i can bring myself to do anymore is waste away or take drugs to cope and push myself further down the hole of shit. I want to make another attempt soon but there are so many weights keeping me locked down to this awful fucking world and it tears me apart every time it crosses my mind.
Im not that old (in my early 20s) but i already feel like im just a total reject to the world and society in every interaction i have. i wish i didn't feel like everyone i talked to was about to kill me or do worse, i wish i wasn't autistic, and i wish that i could motivate myself to stop hurting myself but otherwise i bottle it in or take it out on people and they rightfully leave me and the cycle continues. I wish i wasn't like this and that i had real social skills so i wouldn't be treated like such a fucking freak. I thought that coming out as transgender would help me bring the person i saw inside of me to fruition but i've only experienced this overwhelming social rejection and even threats and it makes me feel fucking sick. That's even a big reason that my parents hate me now and i'm impressed that i'm not homeless with how much they disapprove of my life and who i want to be. There feels like very few escapes from these feelings though, it's like i'm always drowning in sorrow and i want to SI so so badly but i see my scars and i know the next one would be the biggest and ugliest and i can't relapse again or i'll lose my mind. All i ever wanted was love and to spread it but it feels like now all of that has been replaced with these sickening urges and feelings and it just sucks because i remember when it just wasn't like this, it wasn't long ago but it feels like it was
Im not that old (in my early 20s) but i already feel like im just a total reject to the world and society in every interaction i have. i wish i didn't feel like everyone i talked to was about to kill me or do worse, i wish i wasn't autistic, and i wish that i could motivate myself to stop hurting myself but otherwise i bottle it in or take it out on people and they rightfully leave me and the cycle continues. I wish i wasn't like this and that i had real social skills so i wouldn't be treated like such a fucking freak. I thought that coming out as transgender would help me bring the person i saw inside of me to fruition but i've only experienced this overwhelming social rejection and even threats and it makes me feel fucking sick. That's even a big reason that my parents hate me now and i'm impressed that i'm not homeless with how much they disapprove of my life and who i want to be. There feels like very few escapes from these feelings though, it's like i'm always drowning in sorrow and i want to SI so so badly but i see my scars and i know the next one would be the biggest and ugliest and i can't relapse again or i'll lose my mind. All i ever wanted was love and to spread it but it feels like now all of that has been replaced with these sickening urges and feelings and it just sucks because i remember when it just wasn't like this, it wasn't long ago but it feels like it was
