It does make me sad sometimes

[woofwag]

That I'm going to CBT. I know I will, it's inevitable. I think I'll do it sometime before the 16th of next month. That's when my student loans go into the repayment phase. And guess who has no fucking money?

Sometimes I catch myself getting excited to finish something or plan something that will never happen. Doing a clown drag show with my friend, finishing up my crochet and knitting projects, getting to sew custom plushies for people, finishing my stories, even things as small as finishing a coloring book can make my heart sink a bit. Worst of all, being able to talk to the rest of my system who are essentially hibernating from me. I miss them. They were my family. But I know most of those things I will never be able to do anyway. I'm far too burnt out for that.

I kinda fucked up my life forever these past few months. No money, no job, disabled, hella student loans and I didn't even get my degree, plus I couldn't get a job with my degree anyway. It's creative writing with an art minor, which I can't do anything with since I don't have the energy to read or write anymore. What a fuckin loser I am. I wish I could be better, I really do. But there's no going back now. That pound of poison glares at me from behind my closet. A preservative, but it won't preserve this body. I hope my molecules can rest in space for a bit before trying to reform into anything, because I feel now that everything is wrong with me down to the microscopic level. I hope there's some better person or thing out there who can make use of the energy I'll dissipate into. Nothing gained, nothing lost, just a system recycling itself and the untaken potential of a person who could never be enough...

 

[nihilisticmystics]

Doing a clown drag show with my friend, finishing up my crochet and knitting projects, getting to sew custom plushies for people, finishing my stories, even things as small as finishing a coloring book

these things sound really cool, you must be really smart and productive and creative. it's always okay to hold off on ctb. only you decide when.

keep your head up!

 

[woofwag]

these things sound really cool, you must be really smart and productive and creative. it's always okay to hold off on ctb. only you decide when.

keep your head up!

I do kind of want to... but I have almost no money left for rent, my student loans, and medical bills, plus just general things I need like gas money, toiletries, and car maintenance (my front bumper is fucked, and so is my tire pressure). And I'm pretty sure even if I did get on disability (which would not happen for at least a year), I wouldn't be able to get things like my car insurance, student loans, or medical bills paid. It's an unfortunate reality I can't look away from. And with the level of burnt out I am, I can't even begin to try to fix any of these things, let alone actually do things that make me happy. I'm miserable and dissociated all the time, unable to reach out to people even if I really love them, and unable to feel joy from most things anymore. I hate it. I like drugs and that's about it. Even sex is kind of unappealing to me now.

Sorry that is a lot. I'm just feeling how bad it is so much. Despite the parts of me who want to live, I just can't do it anymore.

 

[nihilisticmystics]

I do kind of want to... but I have almost no money left for rent, my student loans, and medical bills, plus just general things I need like gas money, toiletries, and car maintenance (my front bumper is fucked, and so is my tire pressure). And I'm pretty sure even if I did get on disability (which would not happen for at least a year), I wouldn't be able to get things like my car insurance, student loans, or medical bills paid. It's an unfortunate reality I can't look away from. And with the level of burnt out I am, I can't even begin to try to fix any of these things, let alone actually do things that make me happy. I'm miserable and dissociated all the time, unable to reach out to people even if I really love them, and unable to feel joy from most things anymore. I hate it. I like drugs and that's about it. Even sex is kind of unappealing to me now.

Sorry that is a lot. I'm just feeling how bad it is so much. Despite the parts of me who want to live, I just can't do it anymore.

ugh everything you just said is the same for me. my car is in dire need of an oil change but i don't even have $40 to spare for one, so i had to go out and shoplift cheap oil just so my car can last another week. on top of that, barely any gas left, with no money to buy more. and i am disabled as well, ive been trying to get on disability but tbh it's too complicated for me to understand.

also i like drugs too lmao especially cough syrup i went on an everyday 4 month binge a few months ago, i miss that feeling sm…. i understand wanting to live but also wanting to die at the same time, it's really conflicting and difficult but at the end of the day do what you think is right, and there will be no shame in whatever you choose

 

[woofwag]

ugh everything you just said is the same for me. my car is in dire need of an oil change but i don't even have $40 to spare for one, so i had to go out and shoplift cheap oil just so my car can last another week. on top of that, barely any gas left, with no money to buy more. and i am disabled as well, ive been trying to get on disability but tbh it's too complicated for me to understand.

also i like drugs too lmao especially cough syrup i went on an everyday 4 month binge a few months ago, i miss that feeling sm…. i understand wanting to live but also wanting to die at the same time, it's really conflicting and difficult but at the end of the day do what you think is right, and there will be no shame in whatever you choose

Hey I'm glad you're at least trying to get done what you need to, pretty fuckin based to have the balls shoplift oil if you ask me :) but yeah, it fucking sucks... I will say, on the disability front, you can get a pro bono attorney to help you with the process which will make it way smoother for you. That way you don't have to work through all the legal jargon yourself. You don't have to pay them if you don't win. And if you do, they only take a percentage of the earnings, so you still aren't technically going to be paying them anything. Just a thought if you're still interested in pursuing that route. I also highly recommend getting on food stamps/EBT if you're able to. The process was super easy for me, and I have horrible executive functioning. That's if you live in area where it's available tho.

Lol omg the cough syrup is so real. I have to steal it since I don't even have the money for that anymore, but it's fun to do. Just kind of a whole process, and it can make me throw up, so I don't do it super often. Fun stuff tho. But thank you regardless. I still am pretty set on dying, but idk. Maybe some miracle will happen and magically all my debt will be lifted and I'll get a job I can work and I'll have the funds to take the rest of the classes I need for my degree. But I highly doubt that.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Not meaning to go all pro-life on you but- are you sure your student loans will start being demanded then? I'm in the UK- maybe it's different here. As I understand it though, student loans only start becoming repayable when we are earning a certain amount.

 

[U. A.]

Have you considered just disappearing to another country?

 

[woofwag]

Not meaning to go all pro-life on you but- are you sure your student loans will start being demanded then? I'm in the UK- maybe it's different here. As I understand it though, student loans only start becoming repayable when we are earning a certain amount.

Yes, I already got an email saying they're going into the repayment phase on the 16th so unfortunately degree or not, it will be happening :( that's just how it is here. I hate living in America.

Have you considered just disappearing to another country?

Legit I have, yeah. But I also don't have the money or time for that unfortunately. Plus I don't know anyone in other countries. I would be completely on my own, and more likely to end up homeless or in some horrible abusive situation than ever.