Venting It can’t all be for nothing.

[Anxieyote]

I spent 6 months talking to someone I met online, and it felt like we were getting closer and closer every time we talked. I started seeing signs that he wasn't that interested in me, but I kept talking to him anyway because I got happy butterflies in my chest whenever we did.

I finally mustered up the courage to tell him that I felt too attached, and I didn't feel comfortable being his friend after he started confiding in me about his dating life.

Guys, we talked literally every night. I haven't had a friend like that since grade school. Where we would both just drop everything we were doing and giggle at stupid memes and YouTube videos together.

I went three years without doing that with anyone, and to imagine losing one of my only sources of happiness is devastating. He'll be able to move on from this with a shrug.

"Eh, I had fun talking to him. Guess it's time to find a new friend."

And I'm sitting here, unable to stand up straight, about to pass out, replaying all of the memories of the times we spent together in my brain. This is so messed up.

I just keep replaying "6 months, 6 months, 6 months, 6 months" over and over in my head. You can't spent that amount of time with someone and not get attached. I can't just not talk to him anymore.

We would video chat and cook together. When he got tired, I would hum songs to help him fall asleep.

That's not nothing. It can't just be nothing. Just silence. Never talking again. Okay.

Corndogs are only 50 cents at Sonic today. Woohoo. I'm so excited. I get to eat them, and then go to my job that I hate for 8 hours. So much to look forward to. So many special memories of eating hotdogs alone in my car.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I can imagine that it must be so painful what you are going through. One of the most depressing things about living is losing what you once had. Our thoughts and memories can torture us. I hope that you find relief from your suffering in whatever happens.

 

[Smart No More]

It's a kind of phenomena that comes with dating and communicating online. A lot of it goes on in our head and that's where the danger lies. It's easy to believe what suits us because it's such a nice feeling. Similarly we interpret things by filling in the gaps left by not seeing body language and hearing tone etc. There often more time to edit or compose things when talking via text formats so we don't see things as they are all the time. Also things get lost in translation. I think it's best to assume nothing if you can do it. Harder done than said for sure because much of it happens instinctively and subconsciously because we act on what we know but whilst that's beneficial in a lot of ways it can also be limiting and deceiving.

I think you kind of know this or have just learned it the hard way because you said in your first sentence/paragraph, you started seeing signs he wasn't in that place but you continued regardless because of the butterflies you enjoyed so much. This was where I think you know you went wrong wrong. Don't let it jade you though. Tread more cautiously in future but you still need to put it out there if it's something you wish to find and cultivate again.

I'm not doing a great job of it but I'm trying to say don't give up and tell you hope is not lost. The romance you felt was in you, not him. So that romance is still alive and it's not gone. It just never existed in the context you thought it did. But think about it.... you felt that great feeling where it didn't belong. I mean, you felt it none the less and it was nice even though it wasn't real. So imagine how good it will be when it is real. Look forward to that and enjoy doing so.

 

[Anxieyote]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I can imagine that it must be so painful what you are going through. One of the most depressing things about living is losing what you once had. Our thoughts and memories can torture us. I hope that you find relief from your suffering in whatever happens.

There is so much sadness, hate, and fear in my chest right now. My heart rate jumped to 140bpm a few minutes ago while I am sitting still, and I kind of want a heart attack to happen so the pain can go away.

I can't lose a real, actual friend. I had this same feeling when I cut ties with my last boyfriend, because I knew the loneliness was going to cause immense suffering.

I don't want to go back to browsing these forums every night like I used to. Sharing scared and hopeless thoughts with everyone in an attempt to feel any kind of connection. I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it

Real human connection, real honest human connection. Real actual actual conversations with real actual people.

Heart-rate is spiking again, getting scared. I'm not usually this emotional, but it is devastating to me, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm ranting and not making sense it just hurts so much, and I don't know where else to go

I have to go into work in one hour, which gives me an hour to calm down. Definitely a panic attack I think.

One thing I want to do to calm down right now is list off Some things that make me happy. One thing that makes me happy is when I talk to nice people on these forums like you. Another thing that makes me happy is
another thing that makes me happy is
Having trouble coming up with things
I don't want to die

Trying to calm myself down by hugging myself. A hug would be super good right now, but I'm alone in a parking lot. I can't breathe

I want to talk to him really badly right now @FuneralCry, but I know it would make things 100x worse if I spill my heart out and tell him how sad I feel and how I want to die, so I have to stay here.

It is kind of emergency because I see how rambly I'm getting, but I think this is helping. If I just talk some more on this post and exhaust my emotions and thoughts I might be ok to go into work tonight.

I actually don't like doing this (the panic attack thing) because I know it makes people uncomfortable, but I do feel safer here than most places. I've actually been having to tell people about my panic attacks on websites other than this one too, because they've been happening a lot more often at random times. I almost had one in front of my Dad last night, and I had to hold onto the chair I was in really tightly, and talk carefully so he wouldn't see what was going on.

Average resting heart rate is 71-74bpm for adult males between the ages of 26 to 35. Mine is at 105bpm. Still high, but getting better

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I did this kind of thing for a few years with a girl in Canada. The internet does fucked-up things with relationships like this, because there's so many elements of an in person relationship that are missing, so I found my mind and imagination played tricks on me and filled in the blanks with fantasy. She once told me she had decided to go out on a 'date' with some guy, and my brain reacted in such a bad way, I felt sick and depressed for days, over someone I had never met in person. I'm sooo glad I ended that, because I realized it was so unhealthy and just not 'normal' - I believe our brains haven't developed for strange relationships in some virtual internet fantasy world.

It's a kind of phenomena that comes with dating and communicating online. A lot of it goes on in our head and that's where the danger lies. It's easy to believe what suits us because it's such a nice feeling. Similarly we interpret things by filling in the gaps left by not seeing body language and hearing tone etc. There often more time to edit or compose things when talking via text formats so we don't see things as they are all the time. Also things get lost in translation. I think it's best to assume nothing if you can do it. Harder done than said for sure because much of it happens instinctively and subconsciously because we act on what we know but whilst that's beneficial in a lot of ways it can also be limiting and deceiving.

I think you kind of know this or have just learned it the hard way because you said in your first sentence/paragraph, you started seeing signs he wasn't in that place but you continued regardless because of the butterflies you enjoyed so much. This was where I think you know you went wrong wrong. Don't let it jade you though. Tread more cautiously in future but you still need to put it out there if it's something you wish to find and cultivate again.

I'm not doing a great job of it but I'm trying to say don't give up and tell you hope is not lost. The romance you felt was in you, not him. So that romance is still alive and it's not gone. It just never existed in the context you thought it did. But think about it.... you felt that great feeling where it didn't belong. I mean, you felt it none the less and it was nice even though it wasn't real. So imagine how good it will be when it is real. Look forward to that and enjoy doing so.

This is my experience also, but you did a better job of explaining it. Your mind filling in the missing parts is the biggest problem with all this internet relationship shit. It's really dangerous.