It can be difficult to follow society's norms

[BabyYoda]

My personal values haven't really changed even after the start of recovery. I just cannot buy into some people's beliefs such as "in order to love others you must love yourself first". I am very very sorry I'm not convinced that is so. I cannot force myself to enjoy solitude for extended periods of time like some people can. I find it near impossible to follow the norm when it comes to dealing with heartbreak, breakups, letting go etc. It seems that those who have it easy are lucky and privileged.

Really, I still believe that laying one's life down for friends is a virtue. This is probably because no one's willing to fight for me so that's why I'm willing to give up my life for someone else since I don't have to worry about others. Many people are taught to be selfish, sadly.

This is not an excuse to not love myself, it's just that I don't see the point in elevating self love as the "greatest love in the universe". I just really really can't be convinced of things sometimes.

 

[DoNotLet2]

And what other beliefs?
yep. Some social rules just don't make sense. This about loving yourself is very pointless. Why there is just one right opinion?

 

[BFishy]

I pretty much totally agree. If others don't or can't love me , than how or why should I? When I am in love and someone loves me, or at least I think they do. Then I'm fine. If I lose that love then I am worthless and unlovable and might as well be dead.
I was numb to it, kind of in a survival mode for years. Now being alone is straight up painful and I hate it. I hate me and every part of me.
People telling you to love yourself, seem to be the same ones that always have someone. It goes right up there with the always happy person telling you to just think happy thoughts. If they only had a clue.

 

[Worthless loser]

I pretty much totally agree. If others don't or can't love me , than how or why should I? When I am in love and someone loves me, or at least I think they do. Then I'm fine. If I lose that love then I am worthless and unlovable and might as well be dead.
I was numb to it, kind of in a survival mode for years. Now being alone is straight up painful and I hate it. I hate me and every part of me.
People telling you to love yourself, seem to be the same ones that always have someone. It goes right up there with the always happy person telling you to just think happy thoughts. If they only had a clue.

I feel the same way. Other peoples' (non-existent) love or affection for me is encouragement and validation of fleeting feelings that I may have something intrinsically good or desirable about me. If that love and affection is missing, there is no evidence to support my thoughts that there may be something good about me. At that point, any self esteem or self love I had is confirmed to be delusional. I can't manufacture good feelings about myself if they are not first instigated by the affection of another. I have spent most of my life this way.

 

[BFishy]

I feel the same way. Other peoples' (non-existent) love or affection for me is encouragement and validation of fleeting feelings that I may have something intrinsically good or desirable about me. If that love and affection is missing, there is no evidence to support my thoughts that there may be something good about me. At that point, any self esteem or self love I had is confirmed to be delusional. I can't manufacture good feelings about myself if they are not first instigated by the affection of another. I have spent most of my life this way.

Yes then you hear the bullshit that you have to love yourself. Oh I didn't know that! Oh jeez just think happy thought? Wow I'm all better now, I had no idea life was that easy.
Sorry just people that don't live through what we do are totally clueless. I'm sure most here would agree.

 

[exhausted]

"You can't love others until you love yourself"...yeah, nah. I can only love myself if I am given permission by those I love. I am externally defined by others. I have no sense of self when others' lovelight isn't shining on me. I would lay down and die for people to express my love, of course.

 

[Final Escape]

I always hated that saying. You can't love anybody till you love yourself. Apparently devastating heartbreak and longing are not signs that u loved someone lol! I do understand what they mean. That unless u treat yourself well, and have boundaries with people, are authentic and honest with other people, able to be vulnerable without sacrificing your yourself in a way that is harmful with the expectation of reciprocity from the other person. But yea it comes down to unmet childhood needs, that cause many people to not be able to let love in and u were never shown love so u can only guess as to what it actually looks or feels like lol! I honestly feel repulsed at times if someone likes me too much or is way too nice or kind to me from the get go. I immediately think ok they are expecting me to reciprocate and how do I do this while still retaining my secure feelings and not becoming over dependent on them, avoiding the smothered engulfed feelings, not being sure wether I'm giving too much or taking too much thus harming the relationship lol! I have serious problems with knowing where I end and the other person begins. I can't properly manage that give and take and interdependence that is suppose to occur in a relationship that is healthy.