This is just going to be me rambling so it might not make much sense, but I just need to get it out there in a place where people will understand.
There are many, many reasons why I want to die. Some of them are fixable and things that realistically could be fixed with therapy/a lot of time. I experienced physical and emotional abuse as a child from my parents and a sibling and it severely affected my sense of worth and the way I see myself, the way I interact with other people, the treatment I accept from other people. I have autism and was diagnosed at age 4, I have never had many friends because I just struggle to connect with other people. I have a few close friends, but I don't get to see them often. I have a physical disability that was the result of my own stupidity which will eventually lead to my mobility deteriorating. I have an eating disorder that comes and goes in waves. And I have done therapy and medication, with very mixed results. Prozac has somewhat improved my ability to function. I'm still severely depressed, it's just that now nobody notices or cares because I'm high functioning.
Sometimes I have moments where I think I can work through those things and that it's worth it to keep pushing through it all. But then I just remember the big reason why I want to kill myself that I can do pretty much nothing about and is inevitable.
I'm graduating with my bachelor's of science in Environmental Science and Conservation. For some reason I decided to get a master's in the same field of study. I went into this field of study because I love the natural world and animals and in high school, I took a class about how things like poverty and quality of life are related to environmental issues. I wanted to do something that was good for the planet, good for people, and good for wildlife. I just wanted to do something that would make the world a little less awful for somebody. I'm extremely passionate about the courses I've taken and I enjoyed a lot of them, but overall it has been nothing but depressing.
Every single class and lecture boils down to 'the planet is dying and we've missed our chance to save it.' I really don't want to sound like a doomer or like I'm giving up on myself and the planet and humanity, but if I'm being realistic, I don't want to live on this planet anymore because it is just going to get more and more painful and miserable until humans inevitably go extinct. There are no jobs in the field either, but that's pretty much every field right now. I cannot get hired anywhere or even get an interview so I might as well just end it before I go broke and the planet dies.
Diseases are going to become more prevalent and more resistant to treatment. They already are. Natural disasters are going to become more frequent and severe. They already are. Most of the biodiversity that humans cannot survive without are going to go extinct. A huge amount of it already is. There are some solutions and ways to mitigate climate change and all of it's accompanying effects, but they are costly and would require people to give up things we don't want to give up.
Going into this field feels like I'm being asked to put out a blazing housefire with a cup of water. You have zero support and next to no resources, but we expect you go stop the blaze and rebuild everything very quickly. If you don't, then we'll take away what little resources you do have because clearly you're not competent enough to use them. Ok, putting out the housefire with what we're giving you is impossible, so instead, we want you to just run into the house and save what you can before the whole thing burns down. But no matter what you rescue, it's never the right decision, and someone out there will always get angry at you for not rescuing what they wanted you to get out of the fire. You're always wrong, you're always doing it wrong, you're always a fucking moron for trying, but if you admit that it feels hopeless, then you're a failure who's just given up and you don't get to give up because other people have it worse so how dare you feel hopeless.
I just don't want to do any of this anymore. The only reason why I haven't killed myself yet is because it would make other people around me feel bad. I'm so sick of fighting for a life that I simply don't want just so other people feel okay. I don't want to keep living on a dying planet that I can't help.
There are many, many reasons why I want to die. Some of them are fixable and things that realistically could be fixed with therapy/a lot of time. I experienced physical and emotional abuse as a child from my parents and a sibling and it severely affected my sense of worth and the way I see myself, the way I interact with other people, the treatment I accept from other people. I have autism and was diagnosed at age 4, I have never had many friends because I just struggle to connect with other people. I have a few close friends, but I don't get to see them often. I have a physical disability that was the result of my own stupidity which will eventually lead to my mobility deteriorating. I have an eating disorder that comes and goes in waves. And I have done therapy and medication, with very mixed results. Prozac has somewhat improved my ability to function. I'm still severely depressed, it's just that now nobody notices or cares because I'm high functioning.
Sometimes I have moments where I think I can work through those things and that it's worth it to keep pushing through it all. But then I just remember the big reason why I want to kill myself that I can do pretty much nothing about and is inevitable.
I'm graduating with my bachelor's of science in Environmental Science and Conservation. For some reason I decided to get a master's in the same field of study. I went into this field of study because I love the natural world and animals and in high school, I took a class about how things like poverty and quality of life are related to environmental issues. I wanted to do something that was good for the planet, good for people, and good for wildlife. I just wanted to do something that would make the world a little less awful for somebody. I'm extremely passionate about the courses I've taken and I enjoyed a lot of them, but overall it has been nothing but depressing.
Every single class and lecture boils down to 'the planet is dying and we've missed our chance to save it.' I really don't want to sound like a doomer or like I'm giving up on myself and the planet and humanity, but if I'm being realistic, I don't want to live on this planet anymore because it is just going to get more and more painful and miserable until humans inevitably go extinct. There are no jobs in the field either, but that's pretty much every field right now. I cannot get hired anywhere or even get an interview so I might as well just end it before I go broke and the planet dies.
Diseases are going to become more prevalent and more resistant to treatment. They already are. Natural disasters are going to become more frequent and severe. They already are. Most of the biodiversity that humans cannot survive without are going to go extinct. A huge amount of it already is. There are some solutions and ways to mitigate climate change and all of it's accompanying effects, but they are costly and would require people to give up things we don't want to give up.
Going into this field feels like I'm being asked to put out a blazing housefire with a cup of water. You have zero support and next to no resources, but we expect you go stop the blaze and rebuild everything very quickly. If you don't, then we'll take away what little resources you do have because clearly you're not competent enough to use them. Ok, putting out the housefire with what we're giving you is impossible, so instead, we want you to just run into the house and save what you can before the whole thing burns down. But no matter what you rescue, it's never the right decision, and someone out there will always get angry at you for not rescuing what they wanted you to get out of the fire. You're always wrong, you're always doing it wrong, you're always a fucking moron for trying, but if you admit that it feels hopeless, then you're a failure who's just given up and you don't get to give up because other people have it worse so how dare you feel hopeless.
I just don't want to do any of this anymore. The only reason why I haven't killed myself yet is because it would make other people around me feel bad. I'm so sick of fighting for a life that I simply don't want just so other people feel okay. I don't want to keep living on a dying planet that I can't help.
