I'm "friends" with this guy who has a boyfriend. That might seem like pretty unremarkable, unless you're homophobic I guess. Here's the issue, well I'm not even sure if it's an issue, but that's why I'm making this post. Anyways, things are a bit sexual between us, he asks me to send him nudes, he's masturbated while talking to me and looking at my nudes, that sort of thing. We say we love eachother, which I guess is a bit weird for friends, right? It isn't strange for us to talk for hours in a day, which is pretty involved, LOL. I think part of this is because his boyfriend is in another country for a surgery so he's away. I assume once his boyfriend comes back he'll stop talking to me so much, maybe at all. Maybe we'll continue but it will stop being sexual. I don't know. I worry how this sort of shift will effect me, I think it will probably make me feel terrible. Speaking of feeling terrible, whenever he talks about my boyfriend I'm a bit jealous, you know. It's not so bad, I have a very low view of myself, so of course I can think of him as so out of my grasp that I could never be good enough for him, and that way it's impossible for me to even be with him, so I don't need to feel bad he has his boyfriend instead. I don't know. He sometimes makes comments about depending on how his boyfriend felt about it he could open the relationship and have more than one partner. I mean I assume it's open to some degree if he's allowed to do this with me, assuming of course his boyfriend knows about all of this, LOL.
Anyways, if this wasn't me and someone told all of this to me, I'd tell them they were doing something with a big risk of hurting them. I would probably tell them to have an explicit conversation with the guy about what they can expect, if a relationship is a real possibility, if it's not, and then once they know the reality, they would need to decide if they could live with that or if they needed to start trying to get over the guy... IDK, I don't want to be direct about it because I'm afraid if I am he'll say something I don't want him to say, you know? I don't know. I think I'm into him in an unhealthy way, I don't care about anything besides him, I don't do anything besides thing about him and talk to him. I'm not doing things I should be doing because I can't care about anything besides him.
AAAA. IDK, IDK. I think I'm going to end this post here but I don't even know what I'm trying to say or ask for. I guess advice but I doubt I'll follow it. IDK. Why does life have to be so complicated.
I tell him that I just want him to be happy and feel good, and if he can use me to help him feel happy or just good in general, I want him to do that. I sort of mean that. If his happiness doesn't include me, I understand that. I don't really get why he likes me so much, I mean he says I'm attractive so I guess that's why, I mean other than that I'm a mentally ill, drug using, suicidal NEET, lol, so there's not much else to like. So in some ways I feel lucky that I've gotten any of his attention at all, even if it ends now. Things are sort of more rough than they are normally because we were talking a bit sexually you know and I asked him if everything was ok with him, and I guess that took him out of it and I felt bad about that and he felt weird about me feeling bad. I guess he doesn't care about people checking in. I mean what he said is he's already in control of what's happening so he doesn't need me to ask, anyway, this is sort of not important. The point is I think things are at the second worst they've been, the worst was when I was on drugs and told him I wished he would tell me to kill myself so I could do it without feeling guilty about it. (Because I know I would hurt him if I killed myself, and I don't want to do that).
Anyway, sorry for rambleposting, LOL.
Anyways, if this wasn't me and someone told all of this to me, I'd tell them they were doing something with a big risk of hurting them. I would probably tell them to have an explicit conversation with the guy about what they can expect, if a relationship is a real possibility, if it's not, and then once they know the reality, they would need to decide if they could live with that or if they needed to start trying to get over the guy... IDK, I don't want to be direct about it because I'm afraid if I am he'll say something I don't want him to say, you know? I don't know. I think I'm into him in an unhealthy way, I don't care about anything besides him, I don't do anything besides thing about him and talk to him. I'm not doing things I should be doing because I can't care about anything besides him.
AAAA. IDK, IDK. I think I'm going to end this post here but I don't even know what I'm trying to say or ask for. I guess advice but I doubt I'll follow it. IDK. Why does life have to be so complicated.
I tell him that I just want him to be happy and feel good, and if he can use me to help him feel happy or just good in general, I want him to do that. I sort of mean that. If his happiness doesn't include me, I understand that. I don't really get why he likes me so much, I mean he says I'm attractive so I guess that's why, I mean other than that I'm a mentally ill, drug using, suicidal NEET, lol, so there's not much else to like. So in some ways I feel lucky that I've gotten any of his attention at all, even if it ends now. Things are sort of more rough than they are normally because we were talking a bit sexually you know and I asked him if everything was ok with him, and I guess that took him out of it and I felt bad about that and he felt weird about me feeling bad. I guess he doesn't care about people checking in. I mean what he said is he's already in control of what's happening so he doesn't need me to ask, anyway, this is sort of not important. The point is I think things are at the second worst they've been, the worst was when I was on drugs and told him I wished he would tell me to kill myself so I could do it without feeling guilty about it. (Because I know I would hurt him if I killed myself, and I don't want to do that).
Anyway, sorry for rambleposting, LOL.
